I have always needed a certain level of stimulation in my life in order to keep myself moving forward and maintain optimism. I have always struggled with motivation issues, even when it is far from obvious. The more I do, the more on track I can stay which is why I often take on more than I should be able to handle. Now that you understand this about me, I really want to talk to someone about some struggles I have been facing in my marriage (it is our first year married and we have just moved in together a few months ago). My husband and I had a long distance relationship for the first year we were together, and were only able to see eachother once a month. During this time we engaged in activities together, felt inspired and had excellent communication. I knew when we met that he was a heavy drinker for a while, and that he smoked weed. He downplayed his current use (when we met). He did not flat out lie to me, but he implied that he wanted what I wanted. A healthy relationship, communication, adventure, good health, and a great future. All of this is very possible for us, as we have decent financial security. On one hand I feel like I am holding him back because he does not spend most of the week at the bar after work any more. On the other hand, he is still coming home and smoking weed almost right away. Im glad he doesnt do this during the day before or during work, but he does it constantly during what I consider our time (when we were long distance, he abstained for about half of our time together). He kept saying he wanted us to live together and start our life so that he wouldnt do this out of boredom. Im the one having to be bored now. I am struggling with my morals, views and beliefs due to this. I am also struggling with being in a new city far away from all of my friends, and not having support is not helping me. Also I must mention that I am human and I have needs for physical intimacy, which either barely happens or mainly happens when he is high, which to me is not a connection at all. I want to connect with no other enhancement (for lack of a better way to state this). We have had a good private life, and sometimes still do. However I am the type of person to take turn offs to another level, which he is aware of. After so long of being upset by someone, having to be the main one initiating intimacy, and having to deal with somewhat clumbsy and bloodshot face during intimacy... it takes away from me continuing to want the experience and can eventually lead to me losing interest alltogether in intimacy with that particular person. I also have to say that I am fairly open minded. I didnt do drugs or drink when I was younger, nor do I really now (im 26). I am well aware that most people do at least occasionally and I am completely fine with some drinking and occasional smoking weed as it is pretty commonplace and occasional usse is no where near as unhealthy as regular use. Honestly, I would like to enjoy social hour at the bar on ocassion. Our problems with things that my husband has done while drinking or smoking has caused us to not really be comfortable doing these things together. It has turned into this big tangled mess, all because he misled me regarding his use. I dont know where to begin to detangle. I dont want much, just emotional support, physical intimacy, and to do things together. We dont do hardly anything, and when we do it requires way too long to plan and we miss half of it because he has no ability to organize (which I do suspect that and his insanely bad memory are due to smoking weed daily for 30 years or so). This is leading me to lose the desire to do much, which I have already struggled with. I dont want to go out without my husband most of the time. I did not get married to someone so we could lead totally independent lives. We do plenty apart. To sum it up sometimes I just feal like I am sitting here alone while my husband is in his own head looking and acting like a typical "stoner". I hate even feeling like im complaining, I dont talk to my friends about this as I feel that bringing too much negative light onto your relationship with your peers is a recipe for disaster.
I feel stuck, bored, unconnected, and much more. I am working on some of my personal goals, but its hard to stay focused when you are married to someone who literally would do nothing all day every day if he could. (I also do all the household chores and planning). I would like to hear more peoples opinions on whether they think drugs and alcohol affect quality time, because I feel we are in this culture that is all about drugs and alcohol and I cannot even escape it in my own home. I just feel totally torn and in a serious moral conflict. All I know is I cannot achieve these massive goals I have had since I was 12 with a life that has too much of this. It has really put my inspiration and ambition through the ringer. We are human and meant to be somewhat social. I thrive off of good communication, intelligent conversation, sharing goals and planning, etc. Right now, I am hardly getting that. I am aware that I can get out more, I am aware of many things regarding how I feel. That doesnt mean I can just fix it. Without stimulation, I feel blank and empty.
