hi Summer,
...so sorry to hear all these.... i can sympathize with you so well....
For me it sounds like you have a lots of feeling of guilty... you make yourself responsible for becoming depressed and now you also make yourself responsible for everything that could go wrong in your relationship (or that already went wrong).
This sounds to me like a too big of a burden that someone could just easily take, even if someone is completely healthy and has no depression at all.
It also sounds to me that you would actually need someone, a buddy, who can help with bearing all these burden. I dont believe you would only destroy your relationship. I am sure you build it as well, since, there must be a reason why you are worrying about it: it is important for you. And things that are important for us, we automatically nurish, maintain, we do good things for it.
I am also sure your partner wouldnt agree with you destroying the relationship alone/only.
In fact, we all make mistakes, also our partners. Nobody is perfect and there is a a lot of piece coming from the acceptance that we all make these mistakes, over and over again. If your partner knows this and behaves accordingly, then you may have good reasons to belive that you are not destroying your relationship.
Not sure if you feel comfortable sharing some of your worries with your husband, telling him also that you want this relatipnship to work but you feel weak and sometimes out of control for this, due to depression and that you need some extra support from him for a while until you get better.
Did you think of giving over some of the responsibility to him? Any failure of a relationship can not be only you! So why would you feel its all your fault? Maybe it can help you feel better if you know that it does not have to be perfect. Or at least not now. Not until you are depressed. Maybe that lightens up your mood to know that there may actually be no such a big pressure as you may now think. And the success of your relationship is not only up to you either, so its not only you who either successes or failes.
I can sympathize with you very well though ... I was "trained" by my parents to "save the world" which is sometimes impossible.
Also, we all want to have a great relationship, so maybe we have a lot of ideas of how things are supposed to be and reality sometimes is different. We may build up pressure to ourselves.
I am sorry if this all is absolutely not relevant for you, maybe you are coming from somewhere completely else...
In any case, i really hope, you are doing better or will be doing better very soon, and that some of your issues you listed here are being taken care of somehow. I guess we are here to listen to you...
Take care.
