Hi Vincenza,
I think this is kind of where I'm at now. Waiting to feel better.
I'm reluctant and ashamed to go back to my doctor or counsellor or psychologist yet again. I've wasted enough of their time, and now it is really up to me to sort myself out. I can't help feeling that anyone I talk to will see my 'depression' as nothing more than indulgent, middle class, middle aged, existential angst and not worth taking seriously.
Also, I worry that seeking this kind of help will somehow bring the whole problem to the forefront of my life and mind. I don't want to make it public again. Everyone around me thinks I'm better now, and I have too many responsibilities to burden family with all this again. Even after all this time, and with all I know about depression, I can't help the conviction that it is all my fault. I've had a lot of therapy, a lot of talk, I've been given the tools. If I still feel rotten, that's down to me.
So, I'm trying to tough out the bad times. Somewhere inside, there must be lurking an optimist.