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16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

I'm going to see my doctor tomorrow. Have felt really down the last few days. I don't feel like I have something inherently wrong with me, just that I have issues I need to work through before I can fully be the person I used to be. I feel like something is standing in the way of my happiness and that something is me. I truely dont believe that this depressed, angry, anxious person is who I am, it is just something I am feeling right now and I have just lost sight of who I am. My husband said to me the other day that I pull him down when he's happy. But this is how I feel. Must I hide my feelings from him as well? Who can I be myself with?

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

I think to make me stronger in the end, I need to find a successful way of managing this feeling of helplessness and being overwhelmed before it gets this bad, no matter how terrible my cirumstances are, I need to find a way to manage my emotions and attitude, but so far nothing has worked long term, I normally just get through a rough patch and the next time things go wrong, I'm right back where I started.

I had an awful day yesterday, my husband and I had an argument over something silly and he proceeded to drink alot and then we had a huge fight and he ended up saying maybe he should leave me. I was heartbroken. We made up in the morning and are sort of going on like nothing happened. He told me I am too controlling and that's why he 'rebels'. He says he has no life because I control everything he does since he did his cheating thing. I guess I have been, but I just felt so out of control after the whole thing. I guess he's right but can you blame me?? and by going out drinking the other night without telling me, he just proved to me again that I can't trust him fully. But apparently I 'drove him to it' because he feels so trapped with me. What must I do? Just let him do what he wants and hurt me over and over again?? I've been with him for so long, I really can't imagine my life without him, but something needs to change because I feel like I am sobataging this relationship which is one of the only things in my life that I feel I can still hold on to, because everything else seems so unstable. I don't know what to do....

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Rosie,

It sounds like you feel there is no hope now. Please keep being strong and keep posting. Try not to think of it as "fixing" as this implies there is something innately wrong with you. How about looking at it as managing? It takes time and there will be relapses but it is all a learning process. Keep in mind that right now you are going through a lot right now. Due to everything that has happened it is normal to feel upset. I think going through this will make you stronger. What do you think needs to be done in order for you to learn from this and be stronger after?

In regards to seeing your doctor I think it is a good idea. Explain your reservations about taking medication and if he/she suggests any other options. Be open and honest and be open to his/her suggestions as well.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

Hey Grunbles- Your post did make me a feel a bit better, knowing someone has gone through a similar scenario. I have been with my husband for almost 12 years now (married for 4) and I can't imagine my life without him, I just wish I could stop feeling so insecure.

Ashley, if I could look back in a few years, I'd like to think that all this pain will have made me a stronger person. I would like to have found a way to heal myself deep down and have rebuilt my confidence in just being myself. I wish I could just fix myself so I can carry on with my life, but it is so hard and feels like everything I try to get better just lands me up in the same place I started. I feel broken but feel like nothing can fix me. I've tried so many things, and if anything I feel like I am moving backwards from where I was. One of my core negative beliefs seems to be that life is out to get me, that good things don't happen to me. I just don't know how to break this way of thinking, because no matter how positive I try to be, I always come back to feeling cheated somehow....

I am working on the program (as well as the panic centre one) and am planning on going away by myself a few days to just think about my life. Should I see my doctor and be honest with him? Or do I try get through this without resorting to medication again??

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 125

Hi rose,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I must say I can really relate. I went through a period where everything was changing in my life. I was breaking up with a lying boyfriend (More on that later) and was quitting my job and actually planning on moving far away from my home. It was terrible I felt like my life was falling apart. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it because I didn't want their pity. I felt so pathetic and so hopeless. It was a real empty feeling. I'm sure it is not the same as you felt but I do get a sense of what you are going through.

I can also relate to your relationship trouble. Before I decided to leave my boyfriend I had been living with him for a few years. We had a life together. However I could never get passed the hurt (he cheated) I never trusted him and I would cry all the time. I hated even sleeping beside him some nights. I began thinking....is this it? I was having nightmares about him cheating and I had a compulsion to check everything he was doing. Let me tell you if he would have been gone in the middle of the night like you mentioned I would have had a break down. I am so impressed with your strength and control. Well in the end I found more lies, even though there was many tears and discussions and promises. I truly believe people can change but if they don't get help they will stay lyers. He had a problem. Not sure if that is the same in your case but it was in mine.

After I decided to leave him, my job and the palce I lived I was a mess like I had already mentioned. It took a lot of time to heal but reaching out to family and friends helped. Let me tell you now I feel better then ever. It can still be hard at times and sometimes I even miss him but I am so glad I left. I know if i would have stayed it would have killed me and slowly changed who I was. I am learning to trust again and I look forward to the feature.

I am not saying for you to leave him and leave your job I just want you to know I can relate. I get it and boy I wish I could be there for you now. Hopefully jsut reading my post helps a bit. I feel like I could type forever about that period of my life but I will stop now.

Keep fighting and don't forget who you are.

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11226

Hi Rosie,

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. It can be incredibly hard to manage stress when you are going through so much. Are you continuing to make time to work on the program? It will help. I am glad you are able to post in the support group, I am sure many members will be around to offer their support to you.

Rosie, I wish I could say the perfect thing to make you feel better, I wish I could reach through the computer, look into your eyes and tell you I will be there for you. Unfortunately, the best thing I can so now is tell you that I am here for you and will be carefully reading all of your posts. I can't say I understand what you are going through but I certainly hear the pain in your words.

You say you feel like a failure in many aspects of your life. From what I know of you, you seem like a strong, courageous women who doesn't yet fully realize her worth. I truly believe in all difficult times there is chance for learning and change. Sometimes after the most difficult times individuals change their lives. Looking forward a year from now how do you think you will look back on this time? What will you want to learn and how would you want to handle this situation?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

Had a really bad day. They are retrenching people at my work and I am despearately hoping I'm not one of them. I just feel like everything is too much today. I feel like I have a weight pushing down on my chest, like if I stop supressing it I will just collapse in a heap on the floor. I feel like an utter failure in so many aspects of my life. I just feel like things will never get better. I am afraid and alone and feel like there is no one I can talk to. I don't even know why I feel so awful today, its like the whole world is just suddenly falling apart around me and I have nowhere to hide. I feel like I have so much pain inside me that I might just explode. I feel utterly overwhelmed. I want to run and never stop. I don't want to face my husband, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go to work tomorrow.

I don't know what to do. I know I have to pull myself together somehow. I don't want to go see my doctor because he'll just put me back on antidepressants and it won't help. It might help short term, but I'll just end up here again later so what's the point. I just feel so tired. Tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere.... Please tell me what to do, I feel so lost right now

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

I will be taking a break from work at the end of next week for 2 weeks, and the hopefully I'll have some time to think. My question is just, once I have figured out what I want, how do I get it?? As apposed to having all these dreams and not being able to achieve them, which will just depress me all over again. I can't change all my circumstances- it is stuff beyond my control. But I don't want to just change my attitude- I want to actualy achieve stuff, reach my goals, but life gets in my way. I previously saw a life coach who made a huge positive impact and helped me establish manageable goals, but I can't afford to see one now. I feel like I can't make big decisions myself, like I'll probably just make a mess of it and regret it later. I feel like I'm waiting for something before I actually start living my life, but it seems like it is just passing me by and I am never going to find this missing piece that will give me permission to live my life the way I wish I could. Does that even make sense??

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2606

Hi Rosie,

I am glad that you attempted to open the lines of communication with your husband this past weekend. However, I am sorry to hear that the circumstances of your talk were not ideal. In my opinion, if you have agreed to work on building your relationship, communication will be a necessary component of making it work. Have you explained to him how important it is to you? From what I can see from this situation, I don't think you should feel like a crazy, controlling person. It is also interesting that if you didn't have to do what others expected from you, you would like to go on a holiday and think about where your life is going. It is evident that there are some things that you need to think about. Do take the time you need to do so.We are here for you, check in soon.

Samantha, Health Educator

16 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

Hi there

Thanks for the support. We did have a talk this weekend, although not in ideal circumstances. We had an argument and then we made up and I went to bed. I woke up at 2am to find his car gone. He came home later and told me he had been drinking at a bar. I guess I over-reacted but I say this as another betrayal of my trust, which I had been trying to build up, plus I am not even sure if I believe that was all he did. My first thought when I didn't see his car was that he was with another woman to spite me. He says I am paranoid. But lying is lying, isn't it. We had a long talk and have agreed he takes his phone everywhere he goes and he humours my paranoia and tells me when he's going out. Am I being a crazy controlling person here?? I really don't know what to do.

If I didn't have to do what others expected me to... for starters, I'd stay in bed tomorrow and cry : (

Then I'd take a holiday, alone- far, far away from home so I can think about where my life is going....

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