EvolutionHealth.care

Home
Main Forum
Depression
Health Educator’s Corner
Rebuilding your Self-Esteem

Advanced Search Form

Rebuilding your Self-Esteem

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Lost:

First of all, have yourself another hug.

Really sorry to hear of your bad weekend and Thanksgiving. Luckily for me, I'm in England so was spared Thanksgiving, but if it's anything like Christmas that's a high-profile time of year, and a difficult time to try and put new ways of thinking into action. I don't think you should condemn yourself on the basis of this bad festival. And I'd say you should persevere with your therapist. I've discussed mindfulness with my therapist (you may have seen the thread I started elsewhere on the forum where, with help from other members, I've tried to come to grips with it), and recognising/challenging distorted/negative thinking. - these things cannot happen quickly, we're talking about changing whole ways of thinking and seeing ourselves and each passing moment. It's a process.

You say you quite like your therapist? Please don't push help away.

Your husband sounds loving and rather wise to me. He doesn't appear to find you unloveable or unlikeable from what you say.

Sorry, I'm not Goofy - not as good at wise advice. But I can send you my support and hugs. Hang in there.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 63

I know that I am probably wallowing in a pool of self-pity at the moment, but I just had the worst Thanksgiving and weekend.

I try. and... maybe I try too hard. But I try to communicate to people how I feel. and I ask questions for clarification and it seems all I end up doing is "badgering" people and pushing them away even further. I isolate my self from the ones who I can't. and then I wonder why I have no "friends". Ha

I went into the weekend with a positive attitude. I have had only two sessions with my new therapist and I really liked what we have been talking about. She is no-nonesense but patient enough so I don't feel pushed. We talked about "mindfulness" and recognizing my "distorted styles of thinking". We talked about my girls and I left there with some exercises (homework) and the feeling of hopefulness.

All that was shot to **it the moment my girls walked through the door (okay... maybe not the moment... but perdy darn close to it). I couldn't snap out of it all weekend and it filtered over into other interactions I had and now I am left feeling like a hopeless, unlikeable (need we mention unloveable), pile of poop.

I have an appointment with my therapist this afternoon. I told my husband it would probably be the last one. I'm just not ready. I thought I was, but I'm not and THAT even makes me feel like crap.

My husband asked me if I was saying that cuz of my bad mood, or if that was how I really felt? For someone who thinks all this self-help-counseling stuff is a waste of time, that was a pretty insightful question... don't ya think.

I just think I'm going to end up being alone. I mean really alone. It's not because I am a victim of DEPRESSION.... it's because I've created my own surroundings. Now there just doesn't seem to be a way to "fix" all that.

Goofy... You are welcome for the hug. I can't believe I'm a grown woman who feels like crawling into some warm, strong arms to cry until it feels better.

I've been this way for almost 40 years. I just don't believe I can change.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Lost, you are so right!!!! A hug goes a long way! Thanks for the hug, I needed that! And happily hugs you back!

Lost, I think through the process of the sessions - and not just one or two sessions - I became aware of the negative things - not all of them, but a few. That was a start. I agree with you that we cannot do anything about them until we become aware they exist and then slowly become aware when they happen. I find new things negative things, but try not to overwhelm myself with everything I need to work on all at once. I wish I could say I had some systematic way of picking them I don't.

I can give you an example of something I mentioned in my earlier post; I've been working on a long time; I've been aware of a long time and I still did it - yesterday! I did it. I personalize things. I am self-conscious of my ability to retrieve words and put thoughts into clear statements (I do it typing way better than verbally because I can edit here). Someone in conversation, innocently made the comment, "well, why didn't you say that the first time?" I popped off something very smart-elic (this is a friend I'm conversing with) I automatically took that statement as a personal insult against the difficulties I am having. I know this person would never make fun of me, make light of my situation and I still personalized a comment and reacted in a not so nice way. Then - this is the good part - I realized it almost immediately and apologized for lashing out, explained why I did so and took ownership of the problem (personalizing). I commend myself because I didn't use to realize I did it and would have thought he meant it and got my feelings hurt indefinitely, then I progressed and I would have became aware that I did it, but it took me a while to recognize when I did it (a few days - stewing with my feelings hurt); and now I'm almost to the point where I can see it when it happens - within seconds!!! I'm getting there.

I hope this helps you to see that you are right you have to recognize them first - then you become more aware when they happen, then you recognize as they happen and somethings you may be able to recognize before they happen.

You made reference to the same bad things keep happening. I took that to mean something different than "challenging the negative things". What bad things keep happening....maybe we can help you understand how that might work.

Keep working the sessions, slowly and thoroughly, too. Let us know what you are referring to.

Hugs!!!!!!!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 63

Obviously I am no one to be giving advice. So instead I offer hugs.... to Pete. To Goofy. and to Linnysweets. When all else fails...a hug does the trick for me. Chocolate helps too.

It's difficult to challenge the negative things when they have become so much a part of you, you don't even notice when they are-or are not- there.

Having reinforcement for all the negatives goes a long way. How can you see anything as better if the same bad thing keeps happening?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

I had a hard night at work. It was encouraging to see this because I really struggled to use these concepts. If others have advice or similar experiences I am interested in what you have to say.

I'm a waitress and sometimes when I am anxious or depressed it is difficult to notice when I am acting different than normal until I see how customers or co-workers are reacting to me. At this point I become nervous, but I tell myself to take my time and pay attention to what is happening within me (and to keep it within me for the success of my job- which makes me more anxious).

However, when I look back on the night, now a bit more comfortable and relaxed, I believe that these emotions change my perception and make it difficult to accurately challenge my inner dialog. It's not always this way. But sometimes how I feel seems less like information on what an experience is like for me and more like who I am is changing into another person and I can't remember who I was before. I know this isn't true but it makes it difficult for me to see myself outside of those emotions so that I can successfully change the way I am thinking and behaving.

I'm very tired but needed to express myself. So I hope this post makes sense.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Ashley:

The trouble is that I feel so strongly that the negative things I tell myself are true. Any challenging statements I may try to make to myself just feel false and empty.

Plus, and I was talking about this with my therapist yesterday, I have a strong belief that I am morally degenerate, selfish and destructive and that my lack of self-esteem, confidence and assertiveness actually acts as a protective mechanism, saving myself and those around me from the wrongdoing I could do, were I a confident and strong person. She considered that to be a very strong reinforcement for the non-assertive behaviour and lack of self-esteem, as I believe it's providing a check on the badness inside of me. A tangled knot indeed, and 'deeply troubled' was what she said. Poor woman, every time we meet we open up another can of worms.........

Instead of solutions, we always just reveal more problems.

Bottom line is - how can I have self-esteem with no self-respect, and when I know that I deserve no better?

This isn't easy to live with. At all.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Ashley, I have so many things that I know are positive about me. Then I have those icky little nasty inner voices that tell me different things. I don't know what sets off an inner voice. I was talking to my therapist the other day about personalizing things. I do have difficulty with that sometimes and with some certain people irregarless of what they say. I really have to watch and catch myself. I think this would fall under the heading of illogical thinking. It goes against what I know. I dont' want to sound vain, but I know I shouldn't take things people say personally unless it's directed at me, to me and about me. I can't make assumptions about what a person means, or look for underlying things they may be saying, or try to take things out of context.

I can always use more tips. I'm very open-minded. When I personalize it makes me fee ldown and I worry about things that are just silly. Later, I feel silly because in the grand scheme of things it really didn't matter if it was personal or not. Does that make sense?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Members,

Has an illness, addiction or other left your self-esteem in the gutter? In the weeks to come, we will be exploring various strategies to help rebuild your self-esteem:

Challenging the Inner Voice

As mentioned, individuals with low self-esteem have a very critical inner voice. One of the best strategies to start rebuilding your self-esteem is to challenge that inner voice.

For unfairly harsh statements, be reassuring & praise yourself. (Ex: It might not have been perfect, but I worked hard & did a great job!)

For unrealistic statements, be realistic & learn from it. (Ex: Yes, I got a D on this test but my other grades in this or other classes were good. Next time, I will study more.)

For illogic statements, be logical. (Ex: Just because one of my friends is being quiet tonight, doesn’t mean she doesn’t like me. Maybe she is just having a bad day or is tired.)

For catastrophe statements, be objective. (Ex: Even though our relationship ended and I’m grieving a huge loss, I’m a great person and we just weren’t the right fit together.)

How did this strategy work for you? Were you successful in challenging your inner voice? Are you struggling and need more tips?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

Reading this thread:

today's top discussions:

This Month’s Leaders:

Most Supportive

Most Active

Most Loved

Rebuilding your Self-Esteem