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exhausted. I want to climb under the covers and hide. I spent 150$ on new clothes that acctually hide this 260lbs carcas reasonably well and no blip of pleasure. I went bike shopping for my son and nothing. I spent the morning alone at work finishing up a project and no sence of accomplishment. I went to my aunt's and that gave me a bit of hope ... my cousin is in burn-out and looks like I feel (he is a very active person who enjoys training and working crazy hours... and he has an excess of 30 lbs and way too much hair). And she will be giving a Reiki 1 class in the summer that I am hoping to follow.
and the wandering strangers only stayed a day at the office... so the safe zone is back to normal.
I was lonely and miserable at work so I have escaped here for a moment or two.
Boy there are not many new posts recently. Is everyone miserable or better?
I do not know where I am in my healing process (since nov 2005) but this month has been rough. too much stress, too much activity, too much to keep track of, too much life.
as I was writing in "miserable" i wish I could get off this mood rooler-coaster and walk around the amusement park - far from the conssession stands and the souvenirs. I eat and spend like crazy when I am too down and too up.
have you ever thought why people are hard-wired with rising and falling moods? was there an evolutionary advantage somewhere and our spectrum of disorders are the hard-wires that got crossed? was there an advantage to beinng winter/spring depressed and sleeping through the times with too much danger and little food. was there an advantage to being hypomanic; less sleep, anxious, and driven? was there some social acceptance or have we always been the ones driven out the group?
why am I so responsible and trustworthy? why can't I just walk away without worry nor care... why do I keep hitting my head on this brick wall. i will be be bipo forever. life sentence. others with a diagnosis accept and move on, I want a miracle. I want energy, and pleasure, and hope. Not this constant hope the the mother-goddess will spirit me away in the night. Not this constant dreaming that I can find that magic key to open the treasure chest. not this dull drudgery of survival of one day to the next.
what does the leaf of an african violet taste like? can it be smoked? who thought of brewing tea leaves? How did humans figure that animal milk is good? what is absolut quiet like - inside one's head?
bye
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