Hi Gang,
I have noticed a few posts that touch on the subject of death and grieveind and I want to let go of a chunk of negativity I am still carrying around.
My grandfathers died in 1987 and 1988. These were the first deaths that touched my life directly. As a teen I had few issues with them and the grieving process went well and quick. My grandmaman left in 1991 and I am still heart-broken. She pinned away after her husband. She let her diabetious take over, especially living alone with my sick father. I think that a big part of me let her go when I had my miscarrage in 2000... I gave her my 8 week old feotus to care for (yes just this thought makes me cry; still).
My grannie died 1995 and there were many issues I had to work out there. She grew up in a hard time, she never understood my desire for a university degree - to her I was lazy for not getting a good job - She was caring for my handicapped mother and my 15 yrs old sister ... and she left me the responsibility of them. My mother's brother told me to keep them away from him. At the time I was working 30 hours a week, doing 4 classes at the University, had my appartment, and a serious relationship. There was little time for grief.
THe next death was my uncle (aunt's husband) in May 2002 when I was a few weeks pregnant. I was not close to him but the pain my cousins felt was hard for me. I grew up with them as my brothers and I greived for their loss. Then my father died in Sept 2005 - when I was 5 months pregnant with my little girl. It was horrible. I had a life-time of issues boiling under the surface and no way to resolve any of it. I saw that my father was happy -finally- with what had become of me ... educated, married, children, happy. He never apologized for any of the hurts he inflicted; and he knew he hurt me! When you call your daughter a fu%$I^$ S^$% who spends all her time F%#*&%^ her brains out rather than calling her poor decrepted father... you have a clue of what you are saying is hurtful...
I was takling to my aunt's boy friend during the holidays and he was surprised that I am still hanging on to my father's spirit. He told me that while he was caught in that between places he could do nothing to help me... I told him that I needed him to account for what he said and did. I needed closure and that in his timeless state a day, a month, or years was not a factor. But you know, I was afraid of letting go. Of letting him move on and never knowing why it all happened the way it did. I was afraid of being a void, of being empty because all I had was this negativity that I associated with him. I was afraid of never knowing that I was loved by him. He never told me. He held me once when I was old enough to remember. So, if I let him go how could I ever know.
I think I have released most of the bond I have held on with. I finally see that if he moves on to the world of the dead "heaven" from there he will have a better view of it all. If he needs to reincarnate, he might return to cross paths with me again... either way closure will come and my grief is lessened.
I will always have the sense of loss. These people were a major part of my life. We shared a lot Love and taught each other about life.
