Hello all...I'm new here too and just wanted to add that I totally agree that this is the first time I feel connected to people who "get it". I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, just having trouble finding it right now. At least we can all feel good about taking the first step towards making ourselves well. :)

PB, There are many options for dealing with your depression. Some people have very good outcomes to using prescription drugs but others do not have such positive experiences or are uncomfortable with taking them. There are other ways to deal with your depression such as Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I'm sure our members can share some of their non-pharmaceutical ways of treating their depression. Brenna, Bilingual Support Specialist

Well Daily Llama, I suppose it hasn't worked too well. But I hate the way the pills make me feel. As far as a sex life...well there is none. Yes I have good insurance, yes my son has a good doctor. No, I don't throw $20's at him, I do spend time with him everyday, whether it's something as simple as a tv show, or taking him out to eat. I prefer to make memories with him as opposed to buying his love, that would be his mother. By the she is also BiPolar, and not the most healthy, or stable person for him to be around sometimes. But he is a mommies boy, so you can't do a whole lot to change that. I know I need to do something, I know I need to get some help, but I just hate the meds. I'm kind of old fashion and stubborn, one of those guys who won't take an asprin when he has a headache..ya know what I mean? I appreciate your honesty Daily, I'm still struggling with what I'm going to do.

PB, So, you haven't been seeing a doctor and you're not on medications and you're dealing with the depression on your own.. the question arises right away " How's that been working for you?" I'm guessing that you're in your mid-forties since you've had 22 years on the roller coaster. Old enough, and constantly depressed enough, to ask your doctor about taking some kind of SSRI on a daily basis to combat the gross effects of depression and then to broach the question of your ailing libido and get the doctor to prescribe a Viagra type aid for your sex life. CBT in here will cope with the rest of your unworkable mental habits.... Guessing again, since you're a civil servant, you have reasonable medical insurance and won't find medical care such a burden. Go for it. Your 15 yr old son must have a good psychiatrist... why not see him/her for yourself? You can be sure he wants to be with you but what he needs around the Christmas time is the evenness of temper and the 'ordinariness' of domestic stuff that his mother can provide. If you're anything like I was when my son was that age I was the lump that sat in the recliner and tried to "love" him with $20 bills instead of attention... He ended up in the wilds of Montana for 9 months in boot camp for my sins of not being able to provide a solid home life with controls and 'learning' around him. Luckily his mother could cover the cost of that sojourn as I was very retired into an inertia of depressed navel-gazing during that time... First you get it together for yourself and then you pass on your newer "working" self to your boy. He has to see you taking care of business for yourself so he can learn from you how to cope with his MDD and all the corollary problems he seems to have. Do all this necessary stuff for yourself and you won't have time over the holidays to slip into the bouts of melancholy ... even then, as one of the members said just the other day in a post here, think of serving as a volunteer at a homeless shelter on Christmas day - there's no need to feel alone in the Dickensian sense!! let me know what you think about all this... I'm good and worried about you, PB, and I hope I'm seeing what needs to be done and that you'll act on it.

Greetings PB, I’m a couple of days new here myself. Very touching post, I too have felt the loneliness and sadness you so clearly described. I am sorry that you are hurting. Just to let you know my family only agreed to come for Thanksgiving provided I wasn’t there. So I took my 6 and 7 year olds and the 3 of us had Thanksgiving with a friend who knows my situation and feels for me. Christmas will be more of the same. This doesn’t help you I know but just wanted you to realize that you are not alone. Kiki

Well twister, I'm not sure why I don't see a doc, I guess I take a certain amount of pride in thinking that I can deal with this on my own. I have been fighting this for over 20 years, just recently has it gotten to a point to where I feel like I may need some intervention. But now that I start thinking of it, my life feels like it has just been one mistake after another, so maybe the depression has affected me more than I think it has. I have a way of ignoring things, just making myself blind to reality, you know? Maybe I'll get a doc this time, I'm still kicking it around. Thanks for the welcome by the way.

welcome PB and welcome to kelsey too!! i've been around a few months now and found that i too feel totally myself here. PB- it sounds like you are really struggling right now. Daily Llama is right- you can change the negative thinking and low self esteem. The lessons and the support group here will help you with that. may i ask why no doc, psych or meds? i understand that you don't like certain side effects but, there are medications out there that don't have such a negative impact on the libido. Perhaps it would be worth looking into again? again, welcome!

Hi Daily Llama, to fill you in a bit, no I haven't been to any doctors or counslers...yet, and no meds either. The poker hobby isn't a problem, but I agree it could be if I were not to keep it in check. I haven't been to the tables in 3 months, I felt I needed a break, I was playing a lot over the summer, that was my "time out". Being a single parent, time out is important for everyone involved. I do tend to get onto one thing, and then over do it a bit, thank god for computer games. I have always had that addictive personality, for years it was guitar, then bass fishing, and hunting, then the internet came along, now its computer games, and poker. It was online poker for 3 years too, but I made money at that, its never a problem when your making money is it?? ;p Anyway, I do understand where your coming from. Its funny though, because of my negative thinking, I never really excelled at the tables. They say you make your own luck, maybe they're right, maybe its through positive thinking.

Welcome PB, Sure you can change your negative thinking and your low self-esteem. I'm assuming that you've got a doctor and a psychiatrist who are following you with your medications? Start working the Sessions in here and let us know how you're getting along. The counsellors and the members are a great group of people so don't be afraid to ask for help or just to describe what is bothering you from day to day. Just out of curiousity, has the poker hobby ever been a problem in your life? Or is it strictly for fun without psychological or financial problems...? Being an addictive person myself, I can remember the enticing 'rush' of the poker table and only barely stopped myself from adding gambling to my list of addictions way back when...! Addiction to adrenaline comes in many forms... the hangover from such a 'rush' is as exhausting as from running a marathon.... can be very depressing to always be going into an adrenaline rush and coming off one... very vicious circle...

PB, Welcome to our support community. Yes, we do have tips, tools and a great program to help you every step of the way. You have made the first move and this is commendable. Being active in your progress and challenging those thoughts can help you on a path to success. Take the time to read through and let us assist you. The members here do know what you are going through and can share their experiences with you. Thanks for sharing :) Josie, Support Specialist