I am going through a major depressive period in my life. I very recently spilt with my partner, became homeless and went bankrupt; had a baby, now 17 weeks old and I already have a 3 year old. I love my kids but sadly I hate myself more. I can't stand my life I just want to die - but I can't because I am terrorfied of death; so I'm trapped.
I can't talk to anyone; can't cry; I can't feel anything in front of people. It has always been like this, since childhood, ever since I remember. Always shy, beyond shy; never had a sense of self. I've never spoke to the doctor about depression before, until I was pregnant and I tried desperately to explain twice but they just passed it off as pregnancy blues; I lost confidence and at my post natal check I just lied and pretended everything was fine. I am privately seeing a counsellor but I cannot talk. Everything seems pointless and I am just wallowing in my own self pity which is quite sickening.
I starve, binge, purge and over eat; I used to self harm only a couple of times it wasn't my thing. Instead I turned to drugs and drink. I'm clean now I just use eating to self punish and keep myself numb.
I'm a fighter though that is why I still go to counselling sessions and I've started this. And I cling onto the hope that one day I will find the courage and the strenght to talk and find myself.
