It is really nice being caught up enough to relax a bit and have an extra cup of coffee and not worry if it will mess up my day. There are still things to do but none of them are really important. I will pick at them as I feel like it. Right now I want to enjoy the different colours of the leaves before they are gone. Not as spectacular as the hardwoods of eastern Canada but still a nice contrast to the greens of the evergreens. There are some reds and oranges but even our scrub Maples are yellow. It will be gone shortly and then the beauty will be mornings waking up to the evergreens covered in fresh snow.
I just gave away all my snow shoes since I can't wear them any more, but I used to love to walk back in the swamps and look at all the fresh tracks. I haven't been able to do that for at least five years. I've lived in wilder places than this in my younger years but this is a good compromise. Things here stimulate my memory of better times and I've learned not to let the thought of that go negative. Nice to enjoy the memories without that damn negative thought that they are gone for ever. Lots of things I will never do again, but still lots of new adventures. Anxiety ruled my life even up till last year even though it never caused panic attacks anymore still subconsciously it was controlling me. I was not willing to try anything new. I do know My limitations though, so I would be foolish to try something I know I can't do. Like sky diving or hiking. But I could buy a three wheel bike next summer and peddle without worrying if I can stand when I stop. I have a very good mountain bike hanging in the garage I no longer ride for the very reason that I might not be able to stand when I stop. I had a very good summer both physical and mental. Better than for years. I'm proud of all I got done but even more so I'm proud that I never gave up. You have heard it said here by more than me that this is an ongoing process. My definition of cure is being able to function in your world with a minimum or no stress. I'm beyond that. I'm sure I could do things I don't need to do if I had an interest in doing them. There are things I'd like to do if I can find some one with the time to do them with. All of my friends either work or are too busy. They have their own agenda. Who knows, I could be just dreaming, I might not have the time. But they are on my mental list.
Going to get some lunch and go out for some fresh air with a lot of sitting and a bit of cleaning up. Might play with the cat if he is around. No more crab apples for him to chase, bears ate them.
I'm having a rather good day. I went to town for a doctors appointment and to get a prescription filled. (same building) then I made four other stops before heading back home.
It is blowing a bit and cold and damp but not raining. The trees still have their fall colours and the wind is making them shed a few leaves. I was smoothing the driveway to make it easier to move the snow this winter, now I'm cutting back plants in the flower beds before it snows. I have a few seeds to collect also. I still have some tools and hoses to put away and want to mow the lawn one last time. I might not get too. The forecast is calling for more rain and even some snow.
What will be will be, nothing is worth worrying about. I'm leaving making room in the garage till last incase winter comes early and stays, it has done that before. I look around and can honestly say I'm happy with what I have got done. I also have managed to stay out of the hospital. That is a plus.
Just enough time to finish the flower beds before making supper. Tonight it will freeze and is already getting cold.
What a day. I'm going to be sore. Too much climbing up and down on and off tractors. One had the ignition left on so the batteries were dead and another ran out of gas so I had to go get some. Used the car to boost the dead one. Then up and down hooking a chain to stuff so I could put it away. Tilled under some more hay while I was on the tractor. I got about half the driveway graded before I tired out and decides I needed a coffee. Put some hoses in the garage. Not bad for a guy using a cane for balance. I dragged the water line for the garden over to where the ground slopes so it can drain before winter. More up and down. I was having fun though. I do like tractors. I noticed today the weather strip on the back door needs to be changed. I'll try to remember to get a new one tomorrow when I go to town. Bears were back rooting through a pile of branches from the flowering crab for a few apples. They are going to go into winter fat. Tomorrow it is supposed to rain but just be overcast Wednesday. So I can finish the driveway then. It is going to freeze again so I can probably start trimming back plants for winter. Just another day in paradise. Four women friends tell me I work to hard and should move to town, two others say it is there idea of a good life and all my men friends say the place looks good and they help by moving the stuff too heavy for me. My conclusion is that this is a male thing. Leaves sure do look good coming down on the landscaping. It is so quiet here you can hear them coming down. Maybe you don't like it this quiet. :-) When it gets too quiet I turn the radio on in the car. I do that some times when I'm weeding.
Yes Edd does go with me to the appointments and keeps all my appointment dates in the calender on his phone..Which helps..
I don't think I will ever get to a point to where I don't care or worry about appointments if I have some coming up. I have had to many doctors lie to me and talk me into having tests and procedures and surgeries done that I though were not going to be painful but were unbearably so..So my resent memories of doctors, tests, and procedures, are fresh in my mind. As a result these painful and negative experiences have given me some new core beliefs based on these experiences.
I can question these core beliefs with the 10 question list here in this program and the truth is yes doctors hurt me physically and mentally, will they hurt me again probably. Any doctor or nurse or health care worker of any kind will have to earn my trust before I can ever trust one of them again. I guess it is possible that I may let my guard down and let one touch me again, but trust one, that may take a miracle.
For now I will put my all my faith and trust in my higher power, for he has never deserted me or let me down. He is my rock in times of trouble.
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