Hi Jacques, it is nice to hear from you again... although, I am sorry you have been struggling again lately. I used to be awful about complying with my pdocs' instructions for taking the psychotropics properly. I kept thinking that I could go off them once I started feeling better. It would takes a couple of months for things to deteriorate and by then, I would have "forgotten" that I needed to take certain meds to avoid the mood disorders. <sigh> I've finally accepted that I need to take my meds properly and continuously if I want to function and thrive in the here and now. Good news... It's working!
I'm grateful I survived another day of babysitting... that dh doesn't mind when I'm too tired to cook dinner... for dh's support in my relationship struggle with my daughter/employer.
Otherwise, my day was not good. I stepped off into that abyss I wrote about on another thread.... working my way out. I know I will survive these feelings. I know I will make my way out again. But.... sheeeeeeesh! It sure feels as awful as it ever did. Not as panicky because I know it will not last very long... I have the tools to get out. But gawd I'm tired of always having to fight just to be "normal". Ha... like that is even possible. Amazing what depression does to one's attitude. Que no?
Money (though scarce) isn't what keeps me from doing what I want... It is family obligations that keep me from being who I could be... doing what I want to do. And I don't know what that means or what to do about it... if anything. I feel like I have little choice and even less freedom... for now. Eventually... in a year or so this should change. I don't know. The question has got me thinking and not in a very positive way Depression su**s
I guess the positive in all this is that I actually do have some dreams and wants for myself now. A year ago, I could not even begin to have any answer for such a question because I lived as I always have... governed by others' wishes, desires, dictates. I could not set goals because I could not separate out my wants and needs from those around me. I never allowed myself to want anything different because it was just pointless. I could not even imagine what I might want.
Today, my life is still (for the most part) governed by those around me... but I have begun to have thoughts and dreams and goals that are my own. That's pretty kewl! As always, thank you Samantha for your support and encouragement. Thinking outside my box is scary and exciting... both.
So what's the point Pete? Why are you here? You don't like who you are and have indicated more than once that you are not willing to use the tools offered to make a difference in your own life.... why is that? You are offered hope and differing perspectives but you slap them away as useless.... for what are you waiting? What is it that you want/expect from us here at the Depression Center? More importantly, what do you want/expect from yourself?
You are welcome here and you do belong. Your honesty and willingness to discuss the tough stuff without sugar coating it is one of your strengths. This isn't all about you. I am discovering that I have terrible communication skills and routinely make people defensive with my words, when I think I am being encouraging and supportive. I have found that these forums are a pretty good reflection of how we motor through real life. I would like the opportunity to learn how to communicate in a way that expresses the concern I feel for people without coming across as.... a total B****. I have a lot to learn and am hoping you will stick around and help the both of us figure out how to communicate better. I am reading through the relationship lessons and am feel somewhat overwhelmed with all the wrong things I do in trying to be with ppl. This disconnect IS happening in my real life too. I AM sorry my choice of words left you feeling unimportant and unwelcome.
Yes, but avoidance is so much safer in the short run... limiting... but safe. I like safe. But I don't want to be safe and miserable. I'm glad you wrote about this Vincenza. My first reaction to offending a member on another thread was to run away... his too. But we both stuck around, came back, explained, apologized, forgave... what freedom that brings! Maybe I can do that in real life now too instead of hiding all the time. I spend so much time walking on eggshells around the ppl I care about. Avoidance is actually rather exhausting...
Looking at the section on relationships... I'm not surprised that my method of communication is passive. I AM surprised to recognize the aggressive moments that explode out of long term passivity. It seems obvious as I read through the materials but I really didn't get this before. I've read through the communication in relationships section maybe twice on each site (anxiety and depression) but did not recognize myself :/ until now. Sheeeeesh... more shtuff to sort out.
The discomfort in clashing with a member has actually paid big dividends for me. It's emotionally exhausting though. And scary. I have a weird feeling of tired and excited. Changing patterns of thought and behavior is a lot of work
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Depression su**s 
