I'm new here today. I've been suffering with depression for almost 20 years. Currently, I live alone (except for my two adorable pugs) and have recently gone through (and am still going through) a difficult divorce. I have two grown sons who live very far from home and my entire family lives 1,000+ miles away. Very lonely, struggling financially and looking for some support.
When is the best time to be on the forum to have open discussions or to talk with someone through IMs? Does everyone IM very much? Thanks for your kind words guys. Hope to see you around.
I think this has something to do with this particular thread. I got an article from my brother last week that essentially said that bad thoughts and feelings are like velcro and good thoughts and feelings are like teflon. The article suggested that we try to hold on to the good thoughts and feelings by grabbing them with our conscience and savoring them for a while. Don't just let them flit by like they usually do. Writing them down in a small journal or notebook also helps to keep the good feeling going. I think that while the bad thoughts and feeling will still stick to us like velcro (because they invoke the strongest feelings and thoughts), by making a conscious effort to bask in the good feeling or thought for 15-20 seconds, writing it down to be remembered at a later time or attempting to make this feeling a good "memory," we can slowly recover the feel-good part of us that seems to have slipped away.
Thanks, Six Flags. It is difficult to be this way, especially in regards to family. My family has been very supportive, but I really hate to have them see the set-backs because I feel like they'll become exasperated with me. I have two grown sons to whom I've always been the strong one, the person they go to when anything, good or bad, happens in their life. I really hate for them to see me this way. I want to be that strong, wise parent that they've always been able to depend upon. I've really been leaning on my oldest son a lot lately and I feel so guilty for putting him in that position. But, I'm going to try to get through today without beating myself up about it. Thanks again for the kind words.
Here's my nickel's worth. First off, Pete, please don't feel that your feelings and thoughts are fraudulent or a waste of anyone's time to read about them just because in your estimation your depression and/or circumstances are not as bad as Goofy's were. We are all unique and we have a unique bag of problems that we have to deal with. Don't minimize the way your feelings and thoughts affect you just because they don't "measure-up" to someone else's. We're all struggling here, or else we wouldn't be here. We are each here for different reasons and in varying stages of depression. Please continue to share with us. I like reading your posts.
MMGSC; I feel so bad that you're in such a deep state of depression. I, myself, have been in a crisis state (depression, anxiety, anger, etc.) for going on four years. It will be four years on January 1, 2010. During these past four years, absolutely nothing but bad luck, hurt, pain and disappointment have followed me. The only truly good things that have happened in my life have been my children's success and achievement. I'd like to say this is an exaggeration, but even my friends and family have talked to me about it. In January of 2006 I discovered that my abusive husband of 25 years was cheating on me and since this was not the first time it happened and both sons were in college, I decided I would try to make a break. This has been an extremely long process because the ex has come back several times promising he will be faithful and convincing me that he has changed. I'm not going to go into all of that right now, but long-story-short; since my sons are the only source of joy in my life these days, I try to keep in contact with them almost on a daily basis. Thank God for e-mail, Facebook, Texting, etc. It's so easy to drop them a line or leave them a message and so very rewarding when I get a call back or a nice email. Since you mentioned you have four children, is this something that you could try to bring you out of the depths of your depression and give you some reason to want to keep plugging?
Thanks, Strength. I really needed to hear that. I tend to think that when he sees my number come up on his phone he debates whether or not to answer it. The fact that he usually answers right away or calls me back a little later tells me that my thoughts are just a product of the depression. Thanks for making a connection with me.
With the holidays coming up, I'm finding myself in bouts of depression more frequently than usual. Today I started having thoughts about how nice it would be if I were still married and I could spend Thanksgiving with my Ex-H and his family. I haven't filled everybody in yet on my particular situation, but I live in the midwest and my oldest son (who is 25) lives in NYC while the younger one (age 23) lives in India. Alsl, my entire family lives on the east coast and I am virtually alone out here except for a handful of very close friends and work associations. My Ex-H still lives in the area and the latest debacle with him landed me in the local mental health facility for a week. He suggested to me that we might reconcile because he has matured so much and learned so much about himself since he has been on his own. I fell for it hook, line and sinker, because he sounded so sincere and I did notice a quieter, calmer, caring person. I hit a brick wall when I discovered that he was trying to make his new girlfriend jealous so that she would choose between him and another guy she is seeing. I don't remember anything for about 3 days after this happened and when I finally started to tune in with the world again, I was on rock bottom trying to climb back up. My health insurance covered one week in the facility I went to, but I've gotten lots of help since being released and I think I'm doing okay. Sunday was the best day I've had in a very long time and I think I got to feeling a little too cocky about the depression being over because I'm having a set back today. I've dealt with depression for almost 20 years, and I attribute most of it to the bad marriage I was in. Why did I stay so long? Because I got used to it and it was my "normal." I just called and talked to my son who is in NY and I'm going to close this message and post it, then call my son in India before he goes to bed. Talking to them is my lifeline. Thanks for listening (reading).
I had another set back this afternoon and I'm having a pity party tonight. When I get any news that my ex-H is happy and getting on with his life it just knocks me back a few yards. This afternoon while chatting with a few girls friends, one of them mentioned that she had seen my ex-H in the neighborhood where we still own our house (he has sabotaged every attempt to sell it) walking with his new girlfriend. I actually felt a pain in my chest while she was talking about this and I could barely speak. I don't know if anyone read my recent post describing my marriage and depression, but a recent encounter with him, his lying and manipulation, landed me in a hospital/health services facility for a week. I know that I saw a change in this man when he came around a month ago talking about a possible reconciliation. But, it turned out to be yet another game he felt he needed to play with me. I had such resolve when I left the hospital about never seeing him again or having anything to do with him, even in regards to our two sons, but each time I hear something about him, I envision him in his new life, being happier with someone else and not me and I just sink into this dark, sad place. I don't want him back because I couldn't stand the lying, cheating and abuse, but he seems like a genuine great guy with this new woman and I berate myself for not being able to bring that out in him. I want to move on with my life, too, and I don't understand why I won't let myself.
I also have to post here that I've been disappointed that I haven't gotten responses to any of my posts. Another shot to my already low self-esteem. I even held out my hand to someone on Thanksgiving on this forum and was skipped over. I feel so darned pitful. I want to go to sleep and wake up in a few years...... I'm really getting tired of struggling with this depression only to fall back into the hole again.
Thanks, Goofy. I've read through the second paragraph of your post three times already. For reasons well known to us who suffer from depression, I've felt like I failed at my marriage and proof of that is he appears to be happy with this new girlfriend. You're right to say that this new person I saw a month ago isn't the real man I was with for 25+ years. He and this woman are currently enjoying the honeymoon period of this relationship and it's not going to last. I do need to keep telling myself that so I don't feel that I failed.
Thanks again for responding. You did write what I needed to hear and I appreciate it.
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