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Posts created by goofy

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I gotta get this done

The thing going on with dad (RE: mod corner post) and the recent onset of his illness has caused me some major anxiety at work. I have found myself questioning my capabilities, my efficiency, transferring issues with my former employment situation into this employment situation (dark to daylight), overwhelming anxiety home, obsessing with finding information about my father's illness, progress, prognosis. I'm trying hurriedly to go through aspects of the program that will make me cope more effectively with the situation, analyzing how to deal with situations that haven't occurred YET (but are inevitable). I need the tools, I got to get this information, I got to study, I got to read, I got to know....can I get back to where I was - if I can, I gotta hurry, cause I got to deal with this situation and I can't deal with it the way I am right now.

I met with my therapist today....he said I am afraid of going where I was two years ago. I lost it (started crying)....that is exactly why I am soooo upset about the whole situation. I am so afraid of going where I've been (with the depression) lying in the bed, in the dark, fighting the doctors wanting me in the hospital, waiting for someone to bring me something to eat, pay my bills, take care of my house, not bathing, not leaving the house, not driving and the onset of all these physical problems that I am juggling as a result of the onset of anxiety and depression. I am so f****** scared! I've come so far and it's been so hard.

Then I start the blame game....if that Son of ***** hadn't drank I wouldn't have these issues to start with, if I wasn't an ACOA, I wouldn't feel the need for his acceptance, approval, still seeking (even destructively) his approval, his attention.

In a work environment with people with addiction disorders I teach everyday "alcohol is a disease". But yet, It is hard to apply that concept and not see it as behavioral when it hits this close to home. I teach alcohol is a symptom of a larger problem, one of not having dealt with the resentments, anger, fear, traumatic experiences of the past. Seeking relief from emotions and thoughts. So it is behavioral right - well, the body processes alcohol differently in a person who is an alcoholic. Okay, I'm talking to myself now.....arguing is it or isn't it and it really doesn't matter....how it got this way...it just is reality and I have to figure out where to set those boundaries in this role transition, still maintain my relationship with my father, which has been better in the past two years than in my whole entire life, and not let it be a set back.

My therapist, I ask him, why do I have so much trouble being honest with my feelings, he said because cognitively you know the answers. Emotionally your not responding with what you know. (ouch, the truth hurts). Anyways, have quit chasing my tail to get all the information I need to "fix me" before I can't handle it, I'm still afraid but that is a realistic fear and possibly a healthy one (verdict is still out on that one), life is how it is and I have to accept life on life's terms (sure that sounded good, didn't it?), but I do have to establish those boundaries they have always been like the waves in the ocean - never solid, never stuck to, always waxing and waning.......

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I gotta get this done

Thanks Rose306 and Diva -

Diva, thanks so much for the hugs and just listening to me and helping me set priorities.

Rose 306, he means I've learned all the right answers (in school), but I don't have all the feelings to go with the right answers. I can't practice what I preach. It's why I'm not honest when I go to the therapist because I know a therapist that says xxxxx would anticipate a healthy response of yyyyy (not that cut and dried) so in the past I have done that. I sabotaged my own treatment, I paid to use my education and not get the benefit of theirs. This guy catches me at that....but first I had to admit that, let him know that, become aware of that. Go and have intelligent conversation and not work on the feelings - hide behind my brain (not trying to sound vain). "losing it in a therapist office is a new one for me for the most part at least over an emotion".

"CoDependence NoMore" and "Beyone CoDependence", "Al-Anon", "Boundaries: where you end and I begin" are books I've read, ACOA, Healing the child within are a couple of others I can glance and see. I think they are great and have helped me have alot of insight into who I am. I've set better boundaries this past two years since my mom died, that I think I was able to do so when she was alive. Of course, she was the boundary - she was the buffer- she took all the crap and then there I stood, when she was gone. To add to a long story, Dad had quit drinking for the first time in my life 3 months before she died, he stayed sober 4 months after her death. I had a bit of time to see it coming and throw up, I don't know which either the walls first then the boundaries or the boundaries and then the walls, but either way, I got a few boundaries in there.

I am not so frantic and I do hope (pray) and try to contain that anxiety with thoughts and actions that support what I know about me. I just wish I knew more about me, right now, in terms what emotions are behind those thoughts. I hope I can set boundaries and recognize that I need one set when I need one set.

Geez, Rose306, I hope if I have to come back that it's not with dad, cause it's gonna take him a long time to get it right!

Diva and Rose 306, thanks ever so much, I anxiously awaited a response to my post, just to know someone heard what I was saying, would understand how I felt, would tell me it'll be okay and that I can somehow, someway, do this. (this meaning handle it) not be a one man show in the care of my dad. You don't know how much it meant to read those words!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

My father... was diegnosed with heart failure

Sheba, I'm not much help with these types of issues. Know you are not alone or responsible for your father's illness. Know that I will listen and support you. Have a hug or two and know they are there are if want/need one. You and your father will be in my thoughts (and prayers).

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I gotta get this done

Rose306, Please feel free to tell me anything anytime. If all else I will lend an ear and encouragement for whatever comes your way. I have not experienced what you are going through; however, the advice you gave me stands tall in your situation as well. You can't fix it. You did the best you could as a parent and for that you cannot find fault in yourself. Don't take responsibility for your son's actions, choices, decisions and his disease of addiction! I don't really know what you mean stay out of it - but I have read about tough love, but I bet that is hard to do.

My son experimented with alcohol and got into some trouble as a teenager. I bailed him out once (literally via contacts and financially) and told him never again. He did it again and I did not, but he ask me to. He did it again and I did not and he did not ask. He hasn't done it again! I don't think that's tough love though. Anyway, my thoughts and best wishes are with you. You know what they say about plans, too.

Diva,

I am so glad that you can relate to the aaaa, bbbb, response! How do emotions catch up with thoughts?! I realized what I was doing and told him, first session, he too, calls me out on it! I haven't been seeing him long, but I think he would have figured it out, the others didn't. Another Ahhhhhhhhhh(sigh of relief).

And to both Thanks for being here for me - I need that and want it!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Diva news...

Let's write anything anytime we need to, we shouldn't hold back. We have a format, we should use it! Sometimes it just feels good to see it on paper. To know someone can read and relate, that someone out there somewhere gives a damn what we are going through and understands. We are not alone. Let's keep writing, talking, thinking, feeling and all the other good stuff we are made of.

Let's keep on, keeping on!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

My cat

Diva, I am sorry to hear you lost Oscar. I think it is good that you are having good memories. Remember grief is individual, it's not silly to hurt when you lose something you love! I don't think we ever stop missing the things we love when we lose them, but I think the good memories replace the painful hurt of missing as time goes on. (how it's been with mom). My mom was a character, always having a good time, I love to share stories about her and funny things that happened through the years. I'd like to hear a happy memory of Oscar, if you are up for telling it, if not, when you are up to telling it!

Again, I'm sorry you lost Oscar and nothing silly about remembering him, missing him and thinking about the "good times".

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Progressive Muscle Relaxation: Your Feet and Legs

Rose306,

I am like Diva, good intentions of getting back into it. Have it set as one of my goals. Not started it, still working on this nasty house - one weekend at a time. lol, by the time I get through I will have to start all over again. I love the progressive muscle relaxation though - hee hee, it's relaxation - my forte!

Congrates on your 69 days! Keep on walking!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

My marriage is in crisis...

The one I am reading right now by Deepak Chopra is "Creating Affluence". I have also read "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success" and "The Third Jesus". I like them all. I want to read more of his work, but it takes me time to read....I don't have alot of patience with myself, can y'all tell. lol

Diva, you pose some very good questions about addiction. You shouldn't feel guilty for time you have by yourself as a result of anything he does. Is that enabling.....I don't think so. You have no control over someone else's behavior. The basis of all addictions are the same. There are 12 step programs to help people who have love one's who are addicted (i.e. al-anon) and all you have to do is substitute the work gaming for alcohol. Or choose another twelve step program and do the same. You really don't have to join any kind of group - and it's googlable (is that a 21st century word?). I like emotions anonymous and their daily meditation, helps me with my depression. You have to decide for yourself if you are enabling, but that doesn't make you responsible for his behavior and you have NO control over it!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

Diva news...

klonopin is my life saver!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I gotta get this done

I went to dad's yesterday, made an excuse to borrow his truck. Anyway, got upset as I drove away. Couldn't find anyone to talk to, my son was unsympathetic and thought I was building bridges until I heard definitively from the doctor. I came home and cried and cried. Finally, I called my brother, what's the worst he could do, call me crazy again (I prepared myself for it). Anyway, he said he would come over today and see what he thought and let me know.

He called this a.m. and said he would bring lunch and to ask my son over and we did. My brother was extremely upset. I apologized for calling him and he thanked me for doing so. Knock me over with a feather! Anyway, we discussed a plan of action and it feels good to have support, support I never thought I'd get from him! He actually cried too!!!!!!! Of course, dad didn't see this. If he knows, he doesn't let on.

I got there a bit before my brother and dad said he didn't really want us all over there, I told him apparently he and his family wanted to visit, it's been a month. So dad tried his best to act like it was all okay. But he isn't a good actor! We stayed for just a short time. I am still upset because they agree with me on the outcome, but I don't feel so all alone. I also for some reason needed someone to validate how I felt. Is that related to a negative core belief?

I think the boundaries is a mute point. I'm not going to have to set any, what's in place will help with what is about to occur. I just have to pray for strength to deal with each day as it comes. However, if the need arises, I will set boundaries with my brother and son!!!!!! I'm looking at that also. The swelling that occurs with liver disease is affecting him cognitively more and more each day. He is also retaining more fluid even with two diuretics. I am calling his doctor tomorrow. I can't believe they haven't called him with the lab results!!!!!! I don't know if they will talk to me because of the HIPPA laws but I am calling anyway and at least providing them with information regarding dad's condition and then they can make a determination from there. If they won't, my brother is coming over and I think we are going to "make" dad go to the hospital. And it will be MAKE! It feels better to have a plan, than going everyday, wondering what I will find. I always call first, because if he doesn't answer the phone, I'm taking someone with me.

Obviously I am worried, but coping better and have some relief that my brother stepped up to the plate and some validation for what I thought I was seeing in the progression of the disease!

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