Thanks so much for the encouraging words! :) I have hope that I can break the self-harm habits, too. And that's what they have become - totally subconscious habits. Have you ever heard of trichotillomania? That's my main problem - pulling out hairs. It happens without me noticing when I'm anxious. I know that's no excuse, though - I have to be on my guard so that it doesn't even start happening subconsciously!
So yeah, I don't seriously self-harm like cutting or anything, and never have - but it's the trich and a few other small things that I start doing without realizing it. Sometimes even when I realize I'm doing it, I choose not to stop. But I think I might be getting stronger in that regard - very slowly, and with a lot of backsliding, but stronger!
I'm just wondering what everyone does for a living!
I've been reading some posts about work and going part-time and flexible employers and the like, and I was curious about what types of jobs you all have.
I'm a sub-contractor at a community music school, which means I teach private lessons but they generally find me the students and I do it in their space. So with teaching privately, you have as many students as you have (in my case, about 20), and I would feel quite terrible if I ever needed to go down to working less (I'm already part-time because there are no kids to take lessons during the school days, so I'm just afternoons and sometimes evenings), because it would mean passing off some of my students to other teachers, which is really disruptive for them in the middle of the year.
I was just sitting here being slightly envious of people who have flexible jobs . . . lol!
Same as jhori here - I love driving and I often want to go for a drive when I'm anxious because it calms me down, especially in the dark (or actually I should say I want to go for a "ride" because I am even more relaxed when my husband is driving and I'm being a passenger!). Middle of nowhere is great - I always want to get on a highway and just go. Sometimes wind up in the woods and just get out and smell the fresh air . . . such a help!
I'm just wondering what's up with the age thing. You can choose to show your age, but when I choose to show mine, it says on my profile that I'm 103 or something. I just looked at someone else's profile and it said they are 108! What's going on? Is it always 80 years off, and if so does whoever should know it's messed up know it's messed up?
I have one left too, my maternal grandma. My husband still has all 4 (!). Two of his live in the same city as us - perhaps we should visit them on Sunday!
My Nana is fascinating, and I always loved hearing my Grandma's stories too.
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. :( Did you get to talk to your husband yet? I hope that he becomes more understanding about the difficulties you face because of your anxiety.
I personally don't believe that divorce/separation is ever a good option (except perhaps in extreme circumstances of physical harm/life and death). I thought I would put that out there to let you know that I believe people really can work through anything - but I guess the problem is that I believe it has to be done with God's help, not on our own, and perhaps you will not share that view, I don't know. But I encourage you to try counselling and anything you can think of in order to remain faithful to the marriage vows that I assume you both took and made in the presence of each other and witnesses. Divorce should not be taken as lightly as it is in our culture.
I am by no means saying that your situation is not very difficult - only that it is not impossible, and I hope that gives you hope!! I will be thinking of you and I REALLY hope everything gets better for you soon!!!
I remember being really scared to start Celexa (citalopram) about 4 years ago because I have a vomiting phobia and of course just about every medication in existence lists nausea and vomiting as possible side effects. I finally just made sure I would be in a safe place - I popped the first pill just before my friends were coming to pick me up and I was going to stay at their house in case anything weird happened (I was living alone). As it turned out it just gave me a really bad headache and completely knocked me out, but still I had to make myself JUST DO IT!
That said, I came off it a year ago and boy that was a good idea. It did very little good. I am no longer a fan of medication for psychological problems, and since then I have become morally opposed to it too, in my own case (can't decide that for anyone else but me!). As for the sleeping pills, though, I might try that if I was desperate, as long as I made a firm decision not to use them every night or even every time I was exhausted - I'd be too afraid of getting addicted. Sleep is very important. Have you tried everything else - not eating too soon before bed, doing nothing but sleep in bed (I'm guilty of reading, computering, etc. there and they say that makes it harder to remember that bed is for sleep!), exercise, etc.?
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