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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 73

Hi Athena. I'm 55 and, like you, grew up in a time and place where girls were being told they could be anything they wanted to me. It wasn't until I left school and hit the real world that I got a little dose of reality. Still and all, the idea that I could be anything I wanted to be gave me a kind of strength I'm happy to have. I'm older and more realistic, and the flip side is I get really frustrated and depressed when people or events get in the way of my goals, but I also have a self-confidence my mother didn't have. I think you do too. Sounds that way, anyway. I choose my battles carefully--or try to. Like not drinking. That's a worthy battle. At 50, I went back to school and got an MFA in English. That's when I started teaching. Don't give up on your dreams. You never know...

Hang in there. These early days are the hardest. One day at a time. You can do it!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 40

It is great that you have connected with more people and joined a bookclub, that is what I am trying to do but I am still searching for something that will interest me enough that I can commit to. I definitely need to start a hobby/activity to keep my mind focused on something positive.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Thanks Vincenza.

I have tried to reach out to connect more with people - I joined a bookclub with some old friends that I had lost contact with and I have a colleague at work who is incredibly people oriented and perceptive so she knows when I am having a bad day and will be quite direct about asking me if everything is okay. I find it very threatening because I feel that I can't pretend around her - and interestingly - she once made a comment about liking people more when she has seen them cry or lose their composure because it makes them more real. I have often thought about opening up to her a bit more - but she is also someone who acts as if anxiety and depression are weaknesses or character flaws.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1853

Hi Athena,

As other members have said on other posts, there is no judgement here. We are here to help you each step of the way. It seems like you are working through a lot of things through self-reflection and are figuring out where you need to start making change. You are right about depending on others. It requires vulnerability and that is a place that so many of us are not comfortable in. But that will open up the opportunity to allow others to see the real you. You may be surprised at what can come of that.

How do you plan on reaching that point? What is an example of a situation where you can ask for support from someone else?

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 171

Hi Thinking and Hepsie,

Thank you for acknowledging my presence (I'm not being sarcastic - I really mean it - sometimes I think that I am either invisible or that others who think they know me don't believe that I struggle).

I'm not sure how old either of you are, But sometimes, I wonder if I am a product of my times. I was born in 1963. I grew up in the seventies when feminism was strong and schools in Canada were sending very strong messages to girls that they could be whatever they wanted to be. For me - with parents who had extremely high expectations and the ability to do well at school and pick up new things easily - somehow I interpreted that as meaning I should be something extraordinary. At the same time, my mother - a stay-at-home mother - was depressed, miserable and completely submissive to my father. Not a great role model for motherhood - no wonder I waited until I was 37 to have my first child.

I remember very early on dismissing the idea of becoming a teacher because it was a traditional female occupation - and yet now, I deeply regret that I didn't become a teacher. I would be a school principal by now and I would have been able to spend summers with my children. I was an excellent student and yet somehow, because my fathers expectations were so high (because I had been blessed with his genes) I did not think I could succeed at university. I went to community college, and then painfully slowly, I completed my degrees part time over many years.

I have never felt that I have lived up to other people's expectations of me. I have even had a former employer tell me exactly that.

I know that healing and making the best of the rest of my life means accepting who I am, not being afraid to fail and learning how to think more positively. But still I struggle - do I need to stop drinking in order to do this? (I know that the answer is yes, I am just having trouble accepting this at a deep enough level that I can remain motivated an focussed throughout each day.

It is extremely difficult for me to depend on others for support. But I truly believe that unless I can learn to do that and I can allow others to see the "real me", I will be stuck here forever. Thanks for listening and not judging.

Athena

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 73

Hi Thinking, and welcome to the forums. I was pondering this very issue today. I think our culture puts a lot of pressure on us to succeed and be amazing when in fact these are impossible goals. We delude ourselves into believing we're in control, but are we? All too often outside forces having nothing to do with us make it impossible to achieve what we'd like to achieve. No one among us is a superhero. We're all just...human. And that's okay. Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we're amazing, and sometimes we aren't. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference...

I'd like to add that I'm pretty sure you really are a smart, amazing person. Thanks for posting. I think I'm writing to me as much as to you

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 2

Wow, Athena, I could have written your list! (The bulimia one is the only one that doesn't fit me, but that was an issue in high school, so it could be an issue again if I'm not careful, too) It brought me to tears to actually KNOW I'm not the only person who feels that way, so I decided I had to join this group. Although I knew I wasn't alone, seeing others with identical problems who are willing to ask for help makes me feel stronger.

I think part of my problem is that I used to see myself as a smart, amazing person. If others aren't going to see me that way, I subconciously want to be able to blame it on something else--alcoholism--instead of that I'm not amazing. Do you feel that way? I should add that I truly don't think I am perfect/amazing--I'm horrible at housekeeping, don't cook for my family, etc. It just seems that there is less and less in the "amazing about me" column over the last several years--which actually coincides with the drinking more and more...I wonder which came first...although it doesn't matter because it's become a cycle.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1562

How do we make it stop?

Have you sincerely asked for help? It should come deep down from your soul. Listen to the inner voice not the mind. When you look beyond your mind, you will be led to a solution. Thats what happened to me one afternoon when I experienced the hopelessness and sincerely asked for help. That led me to a shrink who recommended AA and then came all the resources for me that helped me first to quit and then stay stopped for good.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 57

Athena, do you think that is what it is? We are afraid to succeed because we are so used to failure? Is that what our attempts to quit are? Failure? I don't think so. I think we are human beings. I too, am a "functioning alcoholic". EVERY DAY I wake up and think " I don't want to get drunk tonight". Do you ever get worn down, EXHAUSTED, with just arguing with yourself whether or not you are going to drink? I do. Every day. I get so tired of thinking about it I could scream and/or throw something . How do we make it stop? I don't know. I haven't figured it out yet. In the meantime, I don't think we are failing, I think we are paving the way for ourselves to becoming stronger. I'm not a failure. I have failures as well as successes in my everyday life. Don't be afraid, Athena, keep your courage and keep fighting you are not a failure. God will give you his grace.