Magenta Dahlia, you write so eloquently and honestly about the mysterious allure of alcohol, how it seduces us into thinking we need it and can't live without it, and then abandons us to sickness and pain. And then comes back again, tricking us into remembering how happy we were in the beginning, promising even more happiness, than abandoning us all over again. It's an endless downward spiral. Guilt and hope. I'm glad you have hope. You should. Welcome to our forum. We're here to help.