I quit cold turkey the 9th. Figured I was going to use anger to motivate me & keep me focused. Worked great until the chemical withdrawal of unexpected surprises got me. Diarrhea - jitters & no energy with brain fog. I did not feel like myself. I could drink coffee & it would never stimulate as smokes do. Made it hard to concentrate & study my assignments. I relapsed yesterday. On the 9th, I ordered patches to help. They arrived today. I figured I'd be forgiving of my relapse & learn through this process of the old weaknesses I knew existed from 6 previous attempts & change as the new ones occur. I would have never thought 21 years of smoking did so much damage to my central nervous system processes - digestive - cardio & lungs & brain responses. It will get worse - before it gets better with all these things. I accept it now.I will allow the patch to help me break this chemical & substance addiction. I will take my recovery seriously to make it permanent using emotional tools, gaining coping skills, and using positive emotions to change the way I handle life stresses. Nicotine is as almost as powerful as ecstasy or morphine withdrawal in the physiology and science of the biology of the human body. That's deep. I don't want that poison. Smokes tastes nasty now in this relapse. I feel hopeless & know I need help to break this. My body temperature & hands & feet were regulating to stay warm while I didn't smoke. I miss that. As soon as I relapsed, they froze again. Now I freeze. I hate smokes. I don't want that. Tomorrow is a new day of no smoking. I'll put the patch on for good. I won't look back to find weaknesses to this. I'll only look forward to the strengths I will gain. I will grieve to cry out the pain of withdrawal. I will use anger to keep me focused on quitting. I will be patient on the side effects that come that I am not aware too. It does scare me in quitting because my body has been so addicted to this stuff. I have to have patience and faith that it will cleanse itself & I have to give it time. Time does heal so many wounds & traumas. I already know this. But breaking this last piece of the "hurting" I have done to myself is the final one. Toxic people are no longer in my life nor do I associate with others who manipulate & such or are constantly negative. I want to be the old granny riding my bicycle three miles to see my grandson this summer. I want my hubby & me to bicycle together as we did when we dated to fishing spots or exploring the mountains around us. I miss being physically active & being able to breathe while doing it without coughing, hacking, & being a mucus monster. These are real dreams that require change to make them happen. I hate having digestive problems & not eating healthy because my smokes compensated for food. I hate the time wasted daily to smoke. Smoking has taken enough time of my life. I want 21 years smoke free now. One day at a time. One emotion at a time. One craving at a time. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to do it already. I wish every one the best. Be forgiving of self. Be focused on your goals. This too shall pass if we let it & try to grieve it to go & make it happen. Be patient. This chemical abuse is not stronger than we are but it will take everything we got & believe in to prove it wrong. That we are stronger than this addiction.
