If you've read any of my other threads concerning my dad.. well, he's gotten much worse. :( So much so that they've sent him home from the hospital because there's nothing else they can do for him. They have however sent him home with oxygen. His lung cancer is so advanced now that they can't even estimate on how long he has to live - anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. Yes.. out of his 70 yrs on this earth he smoked for 62 of them. Quite unbelievable isn't it? Unbelievable that his mother would even allow him to smoke at age 8!?
I've been crying most of the afternoon. I felt myself shaking from the inside out and at times thought I was going to be sick to my stomach. It was so hard to understand him on the phone... through his raspy voice, the coughing, the choking and hearing him cry, I thought I was going to die right there.
I am so sad .. You know it's going to kill him,, you know that he's so sick,, already lost one lung (surgically removed 1 1/2 yrs ago)..you know even after all of that, he got home from the hospital, sat down and went right for the cigarettes.. but still the pain of knowing that he's going to die very soon is so damn hard to take.
I was so proud of myself with my quit.. I stepped down from the 14 mg patch a week ago and was on the 7 mg. And as bad as it all is with my dad, with my stress levels -- I am not going to smoke, don't even want to.. But I did go back up to the 14 mg just as a safety net. I need to protect my quit in every way possible.
I need to take care of my husband.. as he is so very ill.. he's only 51, so I need to be healthy for him as well as for myself. What I need from you, my friends here :) is your support to help me to keep up my strength and my resolve. I've finished crying for today. Over the next several days I have to come to terms with the situation and then accept the inevitable.
I needed to come here to let out my feelings.. and also to tell a story of what the reality of smoking is and how it affects friends and family members. He always said.."It's my life and I'll do what I want with it.." I am angry with that statement... But I am sad too.
Thanks for listening....
Monica58
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 10/31/2006
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 29
[B]Ciga