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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 85

Hey Diva

Sounds like you are doing well! Laughing and smiling?!

Keep well and keep us posted. Really great to hear you are feeling so much better. You 'signature', this too shall pass, is getting me through every hard day. Thanks for being an inspiration!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Diva,

I am really happy that you are finally letting your body heal, rest, medications, and pleasant activites ... and all that!

Eventually you will be ready for CBT

. :lol:

I am happy that you have a good realtionship with the doctor, no need to impress or perform. It really helps.

I tried the baladie many years ago but the tendons that rub on the hips do not let me "danse" for more than 15 mins at a time. I still appreciate a good show. I really like the yoga because it is a strength and stretching exercise and makes me feel so good ... i really have to sign up again for classes soon!!! (before you ladies make me have a jealous fit).

I hope that the university stuff goes well. You were so put out by it a short while ago. i do not want to remind you of all that stress and negativity you had to deal with ... so ... I will just tell you that I will say a quick prayer that your paper work goes through smoothly and your responses are positive!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Great news Diva

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey WildCat,

That is a good question. First, I think part of it comes from the fact I have had really bad experiences in the past both with general practicionners and with specialists..The worse on I would say was with a psychiatrist. Phew, that guy needed to be put on meds

The weird thing is my current doctor is a complete sweetheart, so what I am afraid of? I guess I am afraid she will get sick of me, that she will find me difficult... etc.

But, my appointment went well actually. My doctor was nice and supportive. She gave me my medical paper so I can get time off of work. She was encouraged by how I was reacting to my new medication. Heck, she was happy I had started it at all lol. She gets how hard new medication is for me!

So yeah, it was a good appointment and I have a follow-up appointment with her next in the next few months.

As for me, well I haven't been around much. At first, I was dealing with getting things set up with work for my time off. Then I was dealing with writting out all my admissions paper for next year at university. Also, I sleep a lot lately... So that kept me busy.

But the good news is the admissions stuff is done with! yay! I have started walking a bit more again and intend to increase back to my usual hour a day. I intend to sign up to a belly dancing class and to go back to yoga!

My husband says he finds me more cheery overall when I am awake. He says I laugh more and smile more. I agree with him. The rest has been doing me a wolrd of good. So I sleep 12-16 hours a day, I guess I need it atm. But when I am awake, I do feel a bit better most of the time. I have moments when I just feel like myself again which is great. Hadn't had that in a while.

Well so that is me. I hope this post finds you all well. This too shall pass!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

How did you appointment go Diva?

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

diva,

have you thought about why you are afraid of your doctor?

Yes, we have been taught to be good children and listen to the authority. Just do as they say and you will be all better. And with this illness, we questions and fight against ourself and against the authority. We just want to hide, not just do it!

Yes, we want to appear co-operative and motivated. But this is the oposite of the symptomes of depression. And there are so many other contraditions that are confusing so that fear that the doctor will give up on us and no longer Take-care of us is very real. The doctor has a list of Other patients with physical illnesses that are "easier" to treat, than my un-numbered un-test-able mental illness.

You know... I am still afraid of my doctor and a specialist gets my anxiety-motor-mouth.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hi guys,

Today I feel tired and sad and scared. I just want to get the work thing over with and it is getting dragged out. I am afraid my doctor will dissaprove. I go see her tomorrow. I guess I am just feeling tired. I will go read.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hi guys,

I realized tonight that I feel really overwhelmed with this burn-out or depression or whatever you wanna cal it. I still have trouble saying I have depression sometimes. It scares me to no end.

In the past I have had some pretty severe depressions. But in a way, they were almost due or symptoms of severe anxiety disorders. So in the past, when I managed to control the anxiety, the depression went away on its own.

This time around, my anxiety is much more under control. It does not feel like I have depression because of my anxiety but like I have anxiety because of my depression.

Some of you might think this pointless and like I am doing the "chicken or the egg" thing. But it makes a difference. A key difference. I know how to get over an anxiety relapse. I have tools to deal with my anxiety. I have done it before! I feel confident in my ability to get better from it. But in this case, I have to get over the depression. It won't just go away when I solve the anxiety thing! But I am not sure I know how to get over depression per say!

Am I just scaring myself? Am I making any sense?

Anyway, I guess this is what this program is for. To give me tools to get over my depression! And I will. but I needed to say this. That right now, I am feeling scared of this thing called depression and that I am feeling overwhelmed. But I am challenging the fear, I know how to do that! But how do I get over the overwhelmed part?

I have had a tough few days. I have been sleeping 14 hours a day. I have missed work and gotten nothing done. Sometimes, I feel like I am living inside myself instead of outside. I have trouble admitting I am sick. I hate letting anyone (even you guys) know how far I have fallen. I feel like myself and yet not like myself. I sometimes feel beyond crying, too exhausted or empty. When I cry at least I get release. I have trouble bathing everyday. I feel ugly. I feel dumb. I feel tired. I feel fat. I feel trapped at work. I don't know why I feel like hiding. I guess I am ashamed. I feel like I have everything so why am I depressed?

Anyway, sorry for the rant. Goodnight all and sweet dreams.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hello Sarah,

I did have a great day with my family saturday. And I have a lot of pretty artwork to show for it since the final artworks were given to me! A piece of art from the people I love. Nice thing to have in one's house!

As for confronting my fears or thoughts, well I don't know I well I did. I kinda just hid in my room all afternoon. No panic attacks or major anxiety while I was in there though which I guess is progress for me. Usually even if I don't have to see them, I feel anxious just knowing a stranger is in the house. So I guess that was a step up! But I do know this is something to face and challenge. I am glad my husband got to invite his friend over though, even though his friend must of thought I was a bit anti-social. But he came and knocked at the door and I did say hello to him and I did not melt or burst into flames or panic so that is good. I guess I should be happy even with little successes!

Once he left though, I did have a nice lazy Sunday. I think giving myself the right to sleep more, take naps and just laze about is helping. Not sure yet but I think so. It is hard for me not to feel guilty though. But my husband has been helping. He keeps reminding me that I am sick and I need it and that it is the smart thing to do. And he says I deserve it. And my mom has been helping too. She helps me clean once or twice a week lately. I love her so much, she is so good to me. she really is the best mom ever. I tend to feel guilty about all the help though. But she says she likes helping me and that she likes my company and that I am one of her favorite people and that I am one of the good things in her life. So I guess I should stop tormenting myself over this!

Wow, I digress easily it seems. Sorry for the rambling! Anyway, thank you for the support! It means a lot!

Hiya Wildcat,

Well, once again you have great insight. You are so right. Meeting strangers on neutral ground is way different then having them in my lair! And I do need a sanctuary with my anxiety issues and everything. And when strangers come in my air I feel insecure and trapped and invaded! I do not like sharing my space. Thanks for helping me put words on this! It helps me a lot!

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

hi diva,

remember that strangers on neutral territory is nor the same as invading your sanctuary.

if you have anxiety issues, you need a private sandbox to your self to resource and find your security. To share this space is a difficult consession for many.

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