hi gang,
I think I have some things to sort out so if I ramble, go on to the next post...
I spent the end of may and the begining of june in a miserable crisis.
I wanted to preform, I wanted to complete my responsibilities. There was the time running out. There was the pressure from coleagues. There was the need to have the numbers look good. I wanted to impress them on the other side of the cubicles. I saw the end coming quickly. I saw the sand spilling through my fingers and I had no way to stop it... so I used more of it to accomplish my tasks and ignored me.
I wanted the rewards. I wanted to let loose and not think of budgets and necessities. I saw overtime as a gift, and kept spending to find the reward. I wanted the acolades. I wanted the recognition of being terrific. I wanted to be "normal". I mean I wanted to be like the others; work hard today and rest tommorrow and back to normal on day three.
I wanted to prove -again- that I am worthy of affection, trust, and responsibility. I wanted to prove to myself I am like the others. I am not. I am easily distracted, I didn't get it all done. I am not. I saw their sharing of secrets, of -something- of friendship? I am not anyone's friend.
Ok. So I got past that. Why do I follow that road everytime I get stressed? Why do I automatically go to implode? Why do I feel miserable and worthless and sad that life has so little value? When I am myself and strong and rested I KNOW these are errors in thinking. I KNOW how to detour and eleminate them. But stressed, fatigued, pressed I crash. Others get tired and pull out. Others rest and come back health and ready. i crash... i hate the world ... i want to run and hide far away ... i need to abandon everything to heal. i need to leave my life, my love behind to survive. I always have had to... as a teen it was so painful to not care what my father did to my grandparents in order to heal what he did to my mind and what i did to myself. I escaped and lived alone and ignored my family to get through school. As a child I kept going back to my mother but I could not be with her for more than a year or so ... she took so much from me, attention, affection, maintenance. And eventually i ran out and needed to leave to heal. As a young adult I was self-reliant and cherished my solitude. I was lonely and yet needed to be alone.
