Sorry you had to go through all that in your life. Is there anyone you are capable to speak to about this stuff? If not does journaling help? Anyway, I think you are vwery brave and strong to have come through it.
he again wildcat, the only way out is through - you can't go around it or bury it or forget it. your subconscience is your ID and it will not be ignored! did you see "forbidden planet", a great old movie, well the big black monster that kept trying to break through the astronauts force field was the brainiacs id or his subconscience. you shouldn't have to go numb just to deal with your feelings! that bastard should have had his hands cut off - i'm serious, child abusers, one strike and you're out
No. Somehow writing about this pain all I can do. I have forgiven my mother and my family. My mother because of what she is will never really understand what she did to me. And dispite the daily strapping and the spankings I learned something important ... that ALWAYS comes through my moods ! To be careful of my family. I think before opening my mouth and to be sure the punishment is understood and fits the behavior. I Remember it all and promised myself to never subject others to my past.
Also, I had to forgive my family. They had no idea what was going on and at that time ... there were little resources available. There were no teachers to talk to, no Safe adults, no anyone to take responsibility of me. So I hid my pain. We all were in a catch-22. THey could not help me. THey had no idea.
My mother never did anything except brush me away when she was upset. It was her boyfriend who enjoyed the spanking and the strapping and touchy-feely... Maybe I have buried this under so much "it does not matter" "it was not her fault" "there is nothing to be done" "I am over it" that by now all its influence is subconscious and that is why I automatically cry and feel nul.
Funny that this sbject is titled how to handle ... and I am talking about buring the past and forgetting it.
Have you been able to address these issues with your therapist at all? Is there anyone else you are able to talk to about your experiences with your mother?
You sound like you have a strong grasp on what you are going through and this is commendable! It can be very hard to understand why some people will hurt others but by talking through these experiences, you will gain a larger understanding on how the future can still become a bright and positive one.
i really feel for you wildcat - if my mother had beaten me (with more than words) i think i may have turned out to be a serial killer or something. the anger would overwhelm me. you seem to have forgiven and accepted. you're a better person than me
I know that all the posts are open ... that was just my polite throat mmerrggrr, may I join you? Since the discussion had started.
Rose
You know I pretty much know the limits of my Mom. I just turn into that 3 yr old that did not want to get beaten when she and her boyfriend had a lover's spat... I hang on and plead for protection and know there is no hope. You learn to reason quickly but never lose the hope.
So with the on going discussion ... i know that there are those who have such power to hurt and damage us. We do not volutairly give them that capacity it is almost genetically programmed !! And try as we might to negate or ignore the comentary it hurts. It cuts worse that cardboard - the rough open wound that will not shut and bleeds all over, and hurts for what seems like forever.
I agree that bed is the warm safe heaven. It was where I dried my silent tears and hit my scars. Asleep, I could not be accused of attitude or disrespect or any of the rest ... then. Today, it is still an escape from reality.
hang in there wildcat - i know you're never too old to need a mom. you have one but you have to keep your expectations real low. it probably hurts to see/talk to her. sorry your in-law is not much better. you're not stupid! i understand you're wanting to keep trying to make a connection. you just may not be able to - not like you want anyway. you seem really down - get some sleep........that's the mom in me talking, i mean it, get some sleep
I do not know if I could join in this discussion ... but I was reading the posts and it got me to thinking. My mother is legally blind now and is metally-retarded (she functions like an 11 to 16 yr old). So I never really had a mother. My Father's mother was more my mothering parent.
But there have been times when I have tried to take to her. I wanted to cry on her shoulder. I wanted to be held and hugged. It started when I was 3 and ... I guess I am stupid or something because in 2005 when I crashed again, I tried again. I see her, and I talk and ... It is like I was talking another language. Then she goes on to describe her hurts, her cares, her friends, her worries, and asks about my 1/2 sister and her children.
My mother-in-law is one of those who speaks but the words forget to pass by any thinking function...
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!! And try as we might to negate or ignore the comentary it hurts. It cuts worse that cardboard - the rough open wound that will not shut and bleeds all over, and hurts for what seems like forever. 
