Hello :) My name's Amelia and I'm having a really traumatic day. My parents separated just before middle school and my two older brothers who talked to me and protected me disappeared - one to university and one to my mom's basement in her new house. Middle school was bad, I was put on Prozac because I felt like giving up. I didn't have any idea who I was because before they split I spent most of my time trying to keep my family together and happy, and my mom put me in many after school activities so I barely had time to myself. I felt like I was always on display and I had no idea where I came from or what my own context was... I had just defined myself through helping my family up until that point.
I had horrible anxiety in grades 7 and 8 and 9, I would tell myself 'I have no friends and I have no family'. I used to sweat a lot at school, I'd walk in the door into a hot flash, thinking of what other people were seeing when they looked at me and what they were thinking. I guess I made it through because the Prozac turned me into a zombie, unrecognizable to myself so I could continue on. In grade 9 I started CBT therapy and felt it was really helping my social phobia and avoidance, and my depression. A couple weeks after my 16th birthday in grade 10, I fell off my bike and got a concussion. We didn't realize what it was and my mom wanted me to keep going to school, which I did until one day I really thought my head was going to explode from the pressure of just processing the external world. Then I was sent home and didn't go to the rest of grade 10.
I still feel I lost my consciousness then, and whatever identity I had at that point. With it, I lost my athleticism (where I got confidence and endorphins from, natural therapy) and my intuition, I wasn't that smart in the conventional way but I was- or at least used to be- clever and fast. I also stopped being able to make my parents happy. I couldn't go to school, couldn't be fun or entertaining to be around, slept after school and just barely got some of my homework done. I am a perfectionist and forced myself through grade 11 on Prozac, but just barely being conscious and always so tired. This year I started grade 12, and came off of Prozac at the beginning of the year cold turkey somewhat by accident, and then I had extreme flu-like withdrawal symptoms and couldn't go to school again. I was telling myself that 12 would be different, that I'd just get it over with and do my best and then be done and move past it... But my anxiety didn't need much to completely destroy my self confidence and motivation when my body was sick. So I was overcome with guilt and depression, about how much of a disappointment I had been since my concussion. The voice of my depression tells me I should have died that day, I don't remember any of being 16 and only some of the last half of 17. I am sorry this is such a long post!!
To get to the point, now I am in an alternative school but haven't actively pursued my friends from my old school who don't have time for me now. I am extremely terrified of exams and even culminating activities, I have a paper due tomorrow and all I could do today was get caught up in my memories and abuse myself, it's like procrastination by paralyzing myself with fear and guilt and hopelessness.
Thank you. I just wanted someone to hear. <3
