I don't know where it started, but I can't help but think that my depression is the cause. When I had my first bad depressive episode, my husband and I were dating. I remember him staying up all night while I cried and spending hours just holding me. This attention was too much, but greatly appreciated. I felt like he really wanted to understand how I was feeling and make me feel better. Now, 14 years later, the trying to understand has become trying to hide his annoyance when I start to feel down. I cannot help but feel I have put a huge wedge between us with my depression and I do not know how to remove it.
I feel like in order to really explain my feelings, I need to tell you the whole story, so I apoligize for the long-winded post. Recently, my life has turned a bit upside down. I had reconstructive surgery on my ankle and was on bedrest/crutches for 7 weeks. During this time, my children went across the country to spend a month with their grandparents, leaving just myself and my husband at home. I could not do much, as I could not move easily, so I felt I had to rely on my husband for everything. I really struggled during this time, as I was completely bored and lonely. When my children returned, my parents came to spend a week with us. This is always very stressful for my husband, but this time it felt like it was too much.
My parents left the same day I got off crutches, and I began to feel much better with mobility. Less than a week later, my husband told me he does not think he is still in love with me and is uncertain if our relationship is worth hanging onto. This is the most hurtful thing that he has ever said to me. I feel like I have been cut off at the knees. The large step away from depression I took with mobility was pushed back with this conversation. I cannot help but think that my recent down feelings when I was basically confined to my home is the cause of his lack of interest in me. I do know that he is in a very stressful job at the moment, and I wonder if he is feeling a bit depressed himself. I got very angry with him after he told me all of this and I could just watch him shut down. I feel he is cutting me out of his life and I don't know how to handle this. He has not left, nor has he said that he wanted to.
Quite frankly, I am scared. I am scared to be on my own. I am scared of how my children will feel if we break up. And I am scared that I will not be able to pull myself out of the depression that I feel myself spiraling into. I am having horrible thoughts about the future and can't stop thinking that I have ruined everything good in my life because of my depression. I just don't know how much longer I can feel like this.
