Breanne, I am both...I am retired from the job with the toxic working conditions(disability retirement through private resource) and I am working at a job that is a much more positive environment. The onset of the depression occurred while I was in the toxic work environment. Today, I work at a mental health facility but not in the capacity of a counselor anymore. I am not able to handle that yet. I started working 2 days a week, then three but not more than two in a row, then four but not more than two in a row, then 3 in row, then 4 in a row....I've worked my way up to full-time, then applied for a different job still not counseling. This is all after two years of "staying in the bed" depression. It has taken me two years to get back to this. I am happy with my progress. My psychiatrist monitors and is aware of my advancements and endorses them or I don't do it. I am in talk therapy. The thing that "got me out of bed" was exercise. I got my treadmill out and walked three minutes the first day....I was upset and disappointed that I couldn't walk more, but I walked 3 minutes more later that day. Today I walk 45 minutes one time a day. It is not a weight loss thing, it is a stimulation thing for me. I also started doing my tai chi again and this helped me. After I did that I started back to work about 11 months later. I am 4 years post-retirement. I still have horrible days, but what a great place to work when they occur as they do understand and are most accommodating. I was on Family and Medical Leave Act the last year I worked in the toxic environment. I worked just enough to pay my bills until the retirement came through.
I still have a great deal of resentment toward my former boss (the toxicity in my former work environment). He was verbally regularly and physically abusive on one occasion. I filed a complaint against him and he was not allowed to speak to me the last two years I worked there. All communication had to go through a third party as a result of mediation. After I retired, he was forced to retire and I learned that 7 people had sued him through his career for comparable behavior. Though I was not emotionally stable enough to purse that. The PTSD type anxiety occurs when I make a mistake at my current job site. I have never had an unkind word spoken to me as a result of any mistake there but I still get anxious and have alot of negative thoughts toward myself when this occurs. I have had to leave work due to the overwhelming anxiety. I do feel like I fake it to work 8 hours 5 days a week. Sometimes I am successful and most weeks on Thursday and Friday I sleep except the 8 hours I am at work.
I live alone and my son is grown and self-sufficient. He is my Power of Attorney and assists me with making sure I keep up with my bills, take care of the house and other type routine daily things. I still can't function at work and at home, but working is better than being at home. I do want to get better, be able to handle things. I have difficulty accepting who I am today.
May be more than you wanted to know Breanne, but it felt good to get it out and see it in print. Thanks again.
Goofy
