Hi All,
I'm not really sure where to start. Alcohol has been in my life in so many ways for such a long time. Both my parents have consumed at least a bottle of wine a day, each, for as long as I can remember. Wine and cocktails were how they managed to co-exist while hating each other. My grandma was an alcoholic, my aunt is an alcoholic, and my brother-in-law is an alcoholic.
I've always managed to (sort of) assure myself that my drinking isn't problematic. I've never been arrested, or lost my job, I own a house, and a car, and have a wonderful relationship. I don't get sad or angry when I drink, and I've repeatedly had people tell me they can't even tell when I've been drinking.
Then I think about the fact that I had 6 pints last weekend and drove home (and had 2 more), and there have been dozens of nights like that. I think about the fact that "I only drink on weekends," and that means about 24 beers between Friday night and Sunday night, with other cocktails thrown in. I think about the fact that I always find an excuse on Wednesday or Thursday to reward myself with 5 beers for working so hard. I think about the fact I won't go to a social event without thinking about how I will get enough booze to keep me buzzed while I'm there, and wondering how I can secretly supplement with my own I bring along. I'll pack a tall can for a drive out in the country, and I'll bring beers to the movie theater. There is no grief, loneliness, celebration, or party in my life that isn't accompanied by booze.
I've tried to control or limit my drinking in past, and I always cut my goal short for any number of reasons. I'm so tired of the cycle, tired from dedicating so much brain power to thinking about alcohol. I don't know if I need to abstain forever, or just for a time while I learn better methods to control my drinking. I need a change, a big one.
