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Characteristics of alcoholic or dysfunctional householdsI thought it might be a point of discussion

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Characteristics of alcoholic or dysfunctional householdsI thought it might be a point of discussion

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 51

Having had both parents alcoholics and died directly and indirectly in their 60's as a result of Alcohol, I can associate with Dave's sharing, as a result of this dysfunctional home life, 3 out of the 5 children with the jury out on 1 more have issues around Alcohol.

A few years ago after personal therapy and reaching the age of 40+ I decided to stop holding on to and blaming my parents, started to look at what their lives were like and where they originally came from, it really helped, for example my father at the age of 12 who also had a father who was also an Alcoholic was sent to work in a different part of the country as a store boy, he slept in the store, with rats for company and was never invited to sit and eat with the family even on Christmas Day, it took him 2 days to get home out of his 1 week holiday per year, he got the opportunity to buy the business when the owners died, but never dealt with the issues of, anger, low self esteem etc., which he projected on to us kids and his wife, who went on to drink herself to survive. Realising all this and trying to put myself in his shoes helped me understand him better and have sympathy

SO Folks its time to break this vicious cycle!! work on our self esteem, our anxieties, depression and our addictions.

Therapy can be very useful to understand how we are 'wired', recognise our triggers and why we react the way we do. Mindfulness helps to lessen our anxiety, deal with stressful situations.

This site, and for others support groups such as AA helps us with our addictions and all that comes with it.

Thanks Dave for reminding me that we dont have to stay stuck, release the pause button and move forward to what i hope will be a more meaningful life and break this family tradition and create new ones for the next generation

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Thanks for sharing Dave!

Just a tip - when posting from a word processor or other site first paste it into a notepad program. Copy it again and then paste it here. This process removes any coding that you may have copied along with the text. This coding can mess up the formatting of your post and the site. I cleared your coding for this post. :)

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

When we look at the characteristics it becomes easy to see how holes in the make up of our character and missing or maladaptive coping skills and dysfunctional thinking habits developed from an upbringing in such an environment can lead to the stresses we try to control through alcohol consumption.

Example:

-We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.......(We need to develop the positive skill of assertiveness and establish boundaries and eliminate this)

- We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem....... (Black and White thinking.....a dysfunctional thinking pattern leading to stress and fear)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

(From http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Problem.s)

A description of the problem....

" Many of us found that we had several characteristics in common as a result of being brought up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional household. We had come to feel isolated and uneasy with other people, especially authority figures. To protect ourselves, we became people-pleasers, even though we lost our own identities in the process. All the same we would mistake any personal criticism as a threat. We either became alcoholics (or practiced other addictive behavior) ourselves, or married them, or both. Failing that, we found other compulsive personalities, such as a workaholic, to fulfill our sick need for abandonment.

We lived life from the standpoint of victims. Having an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, we preferred to be concerned with others rather than ourselves. We got guilt feelings when we stood up for ourselves rather than giving in to others. Thus, we became reactors, rather than actors, letting others take the initiative. We were dependent personalities, terrified of abandonment, willing to do almost anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to be abandoned emotionally. Yet we kept choosing insecure relationships because they matched our childhood relationship with alcoholic or dysfunctional parents.

These symptoms of the family disease of alcoholism or other dysfunction made us ‘co-victims’, those who take on the characteristics of the disease without necessarily ever taking a drink. We learned to keep our feelings down as children and kept them buried as adults. As a result of this conditioning, we confused love with pity, tending to love those we could rescue. Even more self-defeating, we became addicted to excitement in all our affairs, preferring constant upset to workable relationships.

This is a description, not an indictment....."

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

Cont'd...

10.          We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).

11.          We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.

12.          We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.

13.          Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.

14.          Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
(referenced from: http://www.adultchildren.org/lit/Laundry_List.php)

10 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1009

I thought it might be a point of discussion to review the common characteristics of one may pick up growing up in an alcoholic or dysfunctional home. One not be subjected to the chaos of an alcoholic home to pick up these character traits. Dysfunctional homes and parenting will suffice. These characteristics are so consistent among the children of these households and are often carried through to adulthood, leading to all sorts of problems, alcohol abuse being at the top of the list…..

    The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

    1. We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.

    2. We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.

    3. We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.

    4. We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.

    5. We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.

    6. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.

    7. We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.

    8. We became addicted to excitement.

    9. We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."

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Characteristics of alcoholic or dysfunctional householdsI thought it might be a point of discussion