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Can't beat the depression

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Mom of 3,

I am feeling so sad for you. I can see the pain in your words and how tired you are. I wish I had great words of wisdom for you. Heck, I wish I had a magic wand to make all of it better. All I can say is that I am here to listen, that I am here for you.

I think it is unfair what your husband does to you and it is confusing. And I know how hard it is to take care of oneself when the relationships are difficult. But do try to be kind to yourself through all of this. You matter and you deserve it.

Anyway, sorry I have no great advice for you. But I am here to listen. Hang in there!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

I feel for you mom of 3.

I had a hard time reading this post as I can feel your pain as I read your words. I know this is so hard for you. But you will get through it. It may not seem like it now but you will. As you know the perspective you have of your work will get better as your depression does. I know you want to focus on your relationship with your husband but right now I think it is best to focus on you. Once you are well you can tackle that issue. You cannot make smart choices when you are depressed.

What will you do for yourself today? And for tomorrow? Try not to dwell on the pain of your relationship. You need to get healthy for you. That's the most important thing right now. Everything else can wait. Let us know how you will begin focusing on yourself; a journal, meditation, exercise, get creative do simply anything you enjoy. Let us know.

We are all here for you.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

hi MO.

a question,

could it be that you want this relationship like it was ... so the boundery is way back there --

and what is confusing is your husband who called it over and is the one trying to set the boundery right here... and forgetting it is here, sometimes?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi everyone and thank you for your replies. This may be the only place that I can come to find understanding since my counselor isn't available and explaining to someone new is more of a chore than I can face.

My husband is a major source of my continuing depression, I am keenly aware of that. I am hurt and unsure how much I can continue to deal with from him. His signals are mixed so it is very confusing. I know that I must ultimately decide how much I can take and set boundaries. My problem is that I don't know where I want to set them. Maybe I just don't know how to set them. Maybe I just would like this to work out and I'm trying to avoid conflict by not setting boundaries and letting him hang around. All of these must be true in some way but I'm having trouble sorting it all out. Really I think that I am just a lonely sad person right now.

As far as work goes I am trying to do my best not to mess up. It's been really stressful and I feel like every thing I do is judged. Like Dragonfly said this makes it harder because it does feed into a negative core value that I have. They are aware that I'm having issues due to my separation and that I'm on medication but I don't think that they are aware that I have MDD. I don't know that it would really help to tell them either. I really feel like I've had to divulge too much personal information already and don't think I want to let them know that I suffer from depression that goes beyond the separation. They didn't know I had it until now. I gave them the information I did to spare me from having to be under a microscope but that didn't work. I feel like all it did was magnify things more.

I really don't function well any more and I understand that my work is not what it used to be. I used to really enjoy it but not any more. I don't enjoy much of anything. I do understand that I am having a major depressive episode and that it's not a good thing. I just wish I could find a way out of this but I really don't know how.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 20

Hi Mom of 3 --

I can relate to your work situation - feeling like you're under a microscope is extremely stressful. I too started making mistakes, one of which could have led to a serious situation (but didn't) but wasn't believed when I said I honestly thought that I'd done what I was supposed to do. I ended up off work for 6 months. My back to work meeting started out being disciplinary & focused on this mistake, until I told my boss how her actions and attitudes towards me were feeding into one of my irrational core beliefs. Since then she has been somewhat better. Moral of this story is that I had to teach her how I needed to be treated in order to function well at work.

Would that work for you? Can you teach your co-workers how to treat you? I wrote out what I needed to say to my boss and practiced it with my therapist before the back to work meeting. I took the note with me, put it on the table and ended up being able to speak from my heart - a very empowering moment for me. Shortly after I went back to work one of my co-workers came to me and said she had seen a special on TV about depression that really opened her eyes - she said she didn't realize how debilitating depression can be, not only emotionally but physically as well. Would your co-workers be open to learning more about depression? The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health has on online resource called Depressive Illness: An Information Guide - it is a great resource

Hang in there.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Mom of 3,

Wow sounds like you really have it rough lately! I am so sorry to hear that. You are one tough lady because that is one messed up situation. And confusing too. I think it is normal that you still have feelings for him. Those don't go away over night. but don't let him use you, you deserve better hun. I guess you two will need to rediscuss the boundaries of your relationship? I wish I had wisdom to impart but all I can say Is I empathize with you

As for work, well I have no place saying anything on that. but I am here to listen if you need to vent!

Hang in there, and know that we are here for you!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Hi MO3.

I guess it can be confusing... falling into old habits. trying to create a new relationship with new boundries.

I really have no idea what you are going though ! I am sorry ! I can be sympathetic with the job though. I have been advised that my lates will no longer be excused nor tolerated (which is tought when I need meds that would knock over a horse to get to sleep). I was also advised in a department meeting to make sure i was sufficiently humiliated !!! And at my forgotten birthday make-up lunch I was told that i was going to be considered no different from the rest of the team and needed to keep up at all times... which is tough when I am depressed or hypomanic and slightly paranoid...

I am hoping the bank will approve my project so I can afford to get out and work at my pace. We will see Thursday if my husband can get my business plan together...

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Hello Mom, Although being there for your husband to care for him after his accident and surgery is a generous and noble thing to do, it does make for a confusing situation. Try not to be so hard on yourself............after all you both shared many years and a family together............not to mention deep feelings. What is concerning is the fact that you feel "used". This needs to be addressed otherwise you will end up with hurt feelings all over again. Desiring his company is understandable. Everyone needs love and warmth and affection. However, you need to be valued and honoured as well. Do you feel your relationship with him provides this? What are your stress-coping mechanisms? It seems that the stress is piling on with no outlet to release it. Can you think of some ways to help you alleviate your stress? It is important to take a few minutes daily for down time..........do you think you can incorporate this into your daily routine? Please keep us posted on how things work out for you this week, both personally and with respect to work. Faryal - Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi again,

Thanks for your replies they mean alot to me even if I can't seem to say so often enough.

Rose it was so nice of you to open up about where you've been and how you feel you arrived in this crazy place. I feel less alone but still wish it wasn't so for either of us.

I've been trying to figure a way out of all this and haven't come up with any good answers. I recognize that I don't have a really good coping mechanism and that keeps me unbalanced. I changed medication because I had a really bad depressive episode and my doctor didn't think the Celexa was working. Now I'm taking Effexor XR and things are a little better. I am frankly stuck. I don't have what I feel is alot of choice right now either.

My husband is here right now and napping on my couch. He broke his femur, had surgery and is now recovering. He stayed with me initally then went back to his house but is still here nearly every day. He's doing well but it is keeping me in such a crazy situation that I continue to be confused. He's here, he's not. He gives me a kiss, he does not. And I realize that even with all the hurt I do love him and so I continue to let him use me. And use is what it feels like. I do not have hope but I can't seem to turn him away. I need a backbone I'm sure, but there is part of me that must still want him around.

I'm also having trouble with work. It is hard because everyone wants me to "snap out of it" and they don't understand that it doesn't work that way. I have made a few mistakes but nothing earth shattering just uncommon for me to do. I feel like I am under a microscope and it only adds to the stress I already have. It also makes me irritated that after all the years I have faithfully put in that there's not more understanding for my situation than this. Still I don't want to be unfocused on the job either so I am making efforts to do my best even with the issues I'm dealing with.

Then there's the issues that are simply mine - the depression, the coping, the anxiety. I scare myself because I don't know a way out of this and spending the amount of time I have to trying to figure it out takes time from other things I feel I should be doing. I feel like I'm failing miserably and I need to grab onto some sort of control but it seems to elude me.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

hello mom of 3 - been a long time, i've been gone, too, and not because i'm all better.....boo hoo.....i was told to read that book too and did years ago. i just found it and will start rereading, i remember alot of it really hit home for me. i sure can relate to your being angry. why wouldn't you be? me too and for alot of different reasons. i guess it's true what they say though that all that anger just corrodes the vessel and the objects of our anger just go about their merry way. i've been thinking alot (obsessing?) about how i got to be this depressed weirdo. it starts at the beginning, right? my mom had me when she was 23 and didn't know who the father was, she goes home and for 2 years i am basically raised by my grandparents, then she (my mom but maybe i feel more like sister) marries mr. mcgruff and i am "unspoiled". remember that kid's book "are you my mother?" so cute. i also have an aunt whom i look just like?! the thoughts i have had. who is my mother? how warped is all this? am i over reacting yet again? my grandmother (?) was histronic, terrifed of sex (she was raped) and i think she subtly infected me over the years. my mother is the queen of denial. so here i am told all my life that i ask too many questions!!!

then i marry the first man that asks me and i am out of the frying pan and into the fire for 15 years! hard to shake it all off, even when some things improve. i'm still on the lexapro and klonpin, don't think it really helps but i've gone off before and gotten worse - seen psychologists and it seems to me now that they don't really help either. this forum made me feel better than anything else and i don't know why i was gone for so long.....just felt stupid and what is the point....aaarrggghhh, haven't even been walking, just dragging myself through the day. i really feel for you mom, we had some good conversations in the past, i really think i know how you feel. stuck and useless. where to we go from here? i understand big time about not wanting to be alone - we are both raging codependents! i started out codependent on my grandmother - i worshipped her, she could do no wrong and it carried over into my adult life. the need to have someone else love you unconditionally. then reality hits us in the face and we see it ain't that way at all in the real world. there are always conditions! anyways, hang in there and let's talk

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Can't beat the depression