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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hiya Ashley,

Thank you for the reply!

First I want to clear up that my therapist said no such thing. It was a psychiatrist a long time ago and I dismissed him off hand. I don't tend to trust psychiatrists as I have had well, poor luck with them.

My current therapist is very good and would not suggest such things.

And I agree with you it is a very suggestive comment. Seeing as I have studied in the field of mental health I am also aware of the problem with "recovered memories" or dreams... And this is why I am treading very carefully on this path. I actually think his comment made me want to ignore things or deny things more then anything else.

Second, one way or another I intend to accuse no one. I am not in a bad situation right now, I have good relationships with my parents and my family and see no point in dredging old crap up with everyone. This is for my personnal knowledge and understanding only. One way or another I intend to accuse no one and blame no one.

Third, I know for sure I was neither physically abused or sexually abused and no amount of dreams or suggestive comments would make me think otherwise ever. My memory is very very good and accurate, especially when it comes to situations with high emotinnal contents. So no worries, I am not about to reinvent my past or accuse anyone falsely.

But I do appreciate you raising a red flag here and explaining all this to me. I agree with you completely! I was already aware of this but a refresher is always good. And as I said I agree. Ooops abuot to get cut off the PC!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Diva,

I was a little surprised to hear that your therapist told you, you display the symptoms of an abused person. It seems to be quite suggestive. I can totally understand why you would be questioning things now but I don't want you to jump to conclusions. There has been many cases where individuals accuse their family of abuse when the allegations are simply untrue. They remember a dream or due to the questioning of their therapists they eventually believe they were abused. Normally therapists are trained to ask a lot of open ended, non suggestive questions to prevent this type of error from occurring. There is a chance that you were abused and you do not remember but I think it is fairly unlikely. Do you remember any incident when you felt mentally or emotionally abused? Keep in mind, all parents are imperfect and may have insulted their kids or have been rude to them. This is not ideal or course and it can hurt the child's self esteem but it does not mean they are abusers; it simply means the made poor parenting choices at that moment and acted in an abusive way.

You may display the symptoms of an abused person but that doesn't mean you were abused. Tread carefully when trying to remember your past. Please let us know any further insight you have in the future.

Glad to see you back!

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hi!

Thank you so much for answering me! You both have actualy answered many of my questions and have helped me progress in my reflections a great deal.

But if I have worried you, I am so sorry. Lately I am in an introspective mood which leads me to think about the reasons I have the beliefs and triggers and fears etc that I do have. So, although I usually find thinking about the past totally unproductive, that is what I am doing now.

I want to reassure you that at the present I am in a safe and loving relationship. My husband has his faults and sometimes it gets tough. He is a gamer and it can be tough to deal with for me but he is loving and he tells me I am pretty and intelligent and I can do this. He really is a sweet man. And I have my mom around a lot and she wonderful. So I am loved and well surrounded at the present. But thanks for your concern and for giving me tips and info and everything. You are the best.

The reason I asked these questions is I keep coming back to the central question of was I abused when younger...

I mean I know I wasn't beaten or sexually abused. That I know. I have a great memory and memories from the age of 2 at least. And yet, ...

That is why I asked if abuse could be more subtle, harder to pinpoint. That is why I asked if it could be abuse even though it was not obvious. I have met with many therapists and many psychiatrists and one thing that often came out was them asking about me being abused. Not in the I am just being thourough way. In a more "you can tell me , you are safe here kinda way" and repetitively... And I always said no, I would remember being beaten or molested. One day I got sick of that line of questioning and asked the psychiatrist why he kept asking. He finally admitted to me that I have behaviors and symptoms etc that many associate with people who were abused. I was shocked! And yet, I wasn't...Does that make sense?

In a way, I figure who cares if I was abused when younger. Who cares if I know for sure or not. What does it change?Nothing. Right? And yet I feel the need to know. I almost think if I can understand where some of my beliefs about myself and some of my thought patterns come from, it would help me in the present to undo them. Am I being delusional?

Bleh! Sorry for the long post. I feel like I have been hit with a giant case of logorhea.

Does it just do more damage to try and figure out the past? Can it help? Should I just stick to my present and ignore the rest?

I am thinking in circles right now and that infuriates me. Sorry for the long post.

I just wanted to reassure you I am in a great environment at the present. I am sorry if I worried you.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

In my opinion if you are having to ask what is abuse and it's in relation to you and a relationship you are having, then you are being abused. You are questioning things which indicate you at least have a need for concern. The subtle abuse is just as damaging as the overt. You nor anyone else deserves to be in an abusive situation or one in which you must ask yourself, "am I being abused?". It's too close to call and err on the side of caution (is my opinion).

Yes, abuse can be so subtle that you don't see it. I've experienced that in my first marriage. He would say something over and over again in the course of days and weeks until it became a part of the beliefs I had about myself (one of those negative core beliefs I'm ridding myself of).

There is no need to apologize, I suggest you contact an abuse hotline or a local facility that deals with abuse and talk to them about it. Again, I think if you are asking this questions in regards to a relationship you are in, it is cause for concern.

You know me, Diva, I'm full of opinions. I hope you check it out further with a professional in this area. Better safe than sorry!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Diva,

You have asked some very important questions in your post.

As you know, the definition of abuse can be extremely difficult to outline or even define. Some abuse happens and can be very clearcut, while other forms may be more subtle and undetectable to those around. With that being said, it can also be hard to give you a 'yes' or 'no' answer to these questions. Abuse has a number of underlying factors that contribute to its prevalence in relationships or in any given situation.

You asked in your post if carelessness or cluelessness can be considered to be abuse. If carelessness of someone leads to a person's needs being ignored, then that could be defined as neglect, which is a component of abuse. Although neglect is sometimes considered one of the most prominent forms of abuse, it is often the hardest to identify. This makes it very hard to know if what you are referring to, can be defined as abuse.

Perhaps other members here could share their own ideas? What are your thoughts on abuse?

Diva, please know that if you or someone you know may be experiencing abuse, there are people out there who can help. There are many agencies out there that offer services specifically for women and the issues that you have mentioned above. A quick search on the internet will produce a number of results in your area. Perhaps these agencies also offer telephone services in which you can call and talk to someone who could help you define abuse further.

Stay close to the boards and let us know how you are doing Diva. Be well.

Sarah, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

I had no idea where to put this post so I put it here. Feel free to move it or whatever.

I have so many questions and thoughts swirling in my head I don<t even know where to start. I guess I should start with the beginning, the obvious...

What is abuse?

I mean, I know the black and white of it. Hitting, sexual abuse, beating, etc.IS ABUSE!!!

But what are the shades of grey? When does carelessness and cluelessness become abuse? Where does "abuse" start and end? What are the limits of the concept?

Can abuse be very subtle? Can abuse be so subtle as to affect and damage a person wiothout them knowing?

Can one be a victim of abuse and be unaware of it or unsure of it?

Oh, I am sorry, I don't know where I am going with this. I know this is a toughm horrible subject and I am sorry. I just really really really need answers to this. Sorry.

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Abuse?