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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks Sheba,

I appreciate your perspectives since you were so recently in that position. I will keep your points in mind when I am dealing with her and try to put myself in her shoes when we talk. Hopefully this will help. However, where your rebellion stems from being able to do the things in life that you want stems from wanting to be your own person, you are still constructive in your efforts. What you are doing may not suit your parents but you are still being responsible. My daughter makes some of the worst choices and clings to them like they're the only solution, then she is hurt by them. It is a repeating cycle. Also, unlike you my daughter's lies are part of her personality. She lies for no reason, and is very well practiced. If you sit down with her and talk she will swear to the lie and if you have undisputable proof she will often still lie or twist things around. Her father is exactly like this and it makes you feel crazy after awhile. They always make you second guess yourself. It is difficult for me to deal with.

You are right I need to be better to myself about it than I have been to date. I can't do any more for her until she decides to help herself.

Thanks again Sheba, you're a very special person and I really value your thoughts. Take Care

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

As for the lies... I lied for 4 whole years to my mom and dad... They wanted to make an economist as they were. Maybe a great manager etc...

Instead I studied informatics and I'm the black sheep of the family (in many ways). I stopped lieing when I grew up. For this you cannot do anything. Is your daughter that needs to grow up and you can't do anything to speed up the process.

I think that your daughter doesn't feel very well with her decision but want to show you that she can decide by herself. But also she wants your help because is confused.

As the other told you don't be too hard on yourself. Now is your daughter that has to decide to grow. And for the persons that are not happy with their life is a very hard thing to grow. You need to be patient.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks Wildcat,

I'm glad I found this place to vent. I don't know where I'd be right now if it wasn't for this site and the caring people I found here. It's nice to have people to talk to who understand.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

hi mom of 3.

so challenge away ... you have the gang's attention

we are all here for you ma cherie.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks Diva,

I appreciate your post. I am continuing to keep my hopes up that she will decide to change her life to one that is more productive. I really don't expect her to be me like she thinks, I just want her to do things that are truly good for her. So much of what she has done in the past has not been helpful or good for her. She continues on the same path and it is a worry for me.

I am trying to challenge my thoughts on this issue to determine the truth in them. I think that the fact that I love her and tried to do good things for her was in some ways enabling, the biggest enabler has been my doormat personality. I am desperately seeking to change that.

Thanks for your reply

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 538

Hello Mom of 3,

Well I have no kids so not sure how valid my point of view is but it seems to me like you love your daughter and have done your best with her. The rest is up to her. She cannot expect to live off you for the rest of your life. I could understand her wanting help if she was trying to accomplish something big like a University degree or starting a new business or something. But it is not up to you to be the Bank of Mom. And in the long run it would just enable her not to grow up. So set your limits and help her within the limits of what is acceptable to you. Most important is that you love her and that she knows.

Don't be so hard on yourzself. Be kind and patient to yourself.

-Diva

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Thanks Sheba for giving me some insight on how she might be feeling. My biggest problem with her is trying to find out where the lie ends and the truth begins. If there wasn't always the lie it would be easier to support her that way. So often I find that she's not being upfront with me or she is just lying.

I do understand what you are saying but there are also things that are outside of my range of moral ethics that I don't agree with and can't support. She knows this. She is free to do them but I can't support her anymore than acknowledge her free will. I also try to make sure that she knows I am here and if she needs anything to call.

My daughter also lacks respect and doesn't accept anyone's advice. She often does the opposite of good sound advice. It's like she can't think correctly.

I hear you and understand everything you're saying, however, you do have goals and a realistic dream that you're making great efforts in. She does not have goals and is not doing things to make her life better at this point.

I also hear what you're saying about your situation, but don't be too hard on your Mom. It would have been better if she had been able to give you what you needed, but she is human and may not have been able or even understood your situation.

She was in a way trying to protect you from what she may have perceived as harm - Having your own buisiness. Yes, it would have been nice for her to have share her feelinga a little more in depth and it might have made you understand where her weakness lies .

Thank you again for bringing up the issues you did. I will now try to keep them in mind whem dealing with my daughter

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 185

I am on the other side of the equation. I'm the daughter and I had and still have a really hard time with my mother that doesn't support me (for real). Support for me means to give me the freedom to make my own mistakes and take my own decisions even if they are wrong.

I also had a period like your daughter... I was angry with the world because I hadn't have the courage to follow my dreams. and every time that my mother told me that I can do anything I wanted I didn't belived her. Because I couldn't see any real support only words. I wanted to start my own company and I needed their experience bue since they were not happy with this all the help I got were words...

The only thing you could do is to make her understand that you will be there for her even if she can't manage by her own. and that you intend to help her for real.

Be there doesn't mean money but simply support and understanding. She needs protection but another kind of protection than a child. She needs a mother friend that helps her annalize the problems and helps her find the wright answer. Like an experienced friend that understands her.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Wildcat,

I understand what you are saying and I have incorporated some tough love into my relationship with her. I am ready to stop being a doormat and have been trying. It is a slow process and there are even occassions where I recognize that I'm doing it - it's difficult to get away from the old habits.

No I don't think my daughter will end up on the street, but I am fearful of what situation she may end up in. You're right that she is the one who must make up her mind and determine what is best for her. I'm trying my best to be supportive where I can but not let myself be drawn into her drama.

My husband, her stepfather, is of course ready for tough love. He does not have quite the same bond as I do, but he's been more help than her biological father. I have real issues with her biological father that are hard to leave in the past. If nothing really changes then there not in the past. My daughter operates just like him in many ways. This makes it difficult, I am never really sure that anything ever really sinks in. They are both pathological liars and chamelions. They say or do something they know you want to hear and see to keep you unbalanced as to who or what they really are. It creates for such huge trust issies that I am unable to think of anything to do that doesn't completely exhaust me. So I tend to shut down and hope the problem resolves itself or that I get enough correct information to determine what is going on.

I am sure there are many parents out there in the same circumstances and have had very positive feedback from most on how I've been trying to push her into adulthood. If I was a bird and had a child that I wasn't sure could fly when it was time to push them from the nest, I'm not sure I could do it. I understand that this is holding back because at some point the bird has to fly, delaying isn't exactly feasible.

Thanks Wildcat for the eye opener. I'm feeling a little less burdened now. Feom what everyone has been saying she'll come around, so I'll just have to be patient and stick to the boundaries I've set.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Mom - 3

yes it is your fault and of course you could have done better !!! it is the wish of EVERY PARENT on this planet.

Now the reality of being human...

You did the best you could with the tools and knowledge you had at the moment! You had a wonderful little baby in your arms one day, many moons ago. And because of you, your husband, your parents and his parents, the schools - teachers, students, support staff, and friends, and the neighbours, and the TV and the Internet ... you have a young woman before you today that is very different. She has her thoughts and needs and desires. And she is old enough to satisfy them on her own.

that tooks months for me to understand...

The need for love, compassion, understanding and acceptance you are the only one to give. These are still the basic needs of your baby. The world's material aspects are for the woman to discover and aquire. And of course she will buck and resist you, all children do. It appears strange to us who have these model types of adult vs infant reactions but if you see it in the more Buddhist view of Ego there is a better understanding. She is in a temper tantrum and is an adult so you cannot punish her by sending her to her room ... But you have other parent tools. You can withhold your attention, and praise. You can nag and let her brood for a while. You can reward.

She is not a bad person. She is taking her own path. She cannot follow the road you paved, there are no life lessons there. And nothing is obvious! You are stuck between your daughter's strong reactions and the males in you life pushing you towards the role of solo-parent. You were not alone to bring this child in to the world ... invitro-fert still needs two cells! Each person needs to assume some responsibility including the choice of letting you raise her and the choice to involve the little girl in the adult's distintigate on their relationship. So will you let her take out her frustrations with the world on you or will you gentlly push her into her room to calm down and out more "civilized"?

Mom-3

never mind the past ... the I did, they did, we could haves... it is a lot of verb conjugations but not much comfort. If papa blames you for everything and has given up making an effort it is not an issue with you. it is his defeat and weeknesses that have come to the surface. You probably want your daughter to have the "and they lived happily ever after..." All Parents Do. You probably feel the shame? and disappointment? of Papa and want to fix everything for him. You have your own expectaations in the mix as well that don't follow the models of the rest of the family -because you are the Maman- so there is a lot of confusion.

So first thing. You. What do you really think? Is she a hopeless utter faileur that will end her days on the street ? No. You said she is able to work. She is not ambitious and wants to be well paid for doing nothing ... but we all expect that

You want her to know you love her. You want her to be more mature and moderate her unease with the world. You want her to show more effort in satisfying her own desires. You want her to respect the person you are and appreciate the extra care you are giving her.

You. Your husband has moved on to the last steps and is ready for "tough-love". are you? You do not have to be. Your desires and needs are your own and right now dep

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