Thanks Rowsie... When I first starting using the tilde, I did so because it represented my spineless, wet noodle self. After a lot of work and processing with members of the health sites... I decided to keep the tilde, but allow it to represent my flexibility... my ability to bend and flow. I learned how to turn a negative representation of my flaws... into a positive symbol of my strengths. That one thing... wow... what a difference. That one thing... worth all the angst and confusion and struggle and irritation involved in the learning process. Thank you for commenting on this. I had forgotten what a victory that change in perspective has been for me. Kewl!
Interesting question Vincenza... helpful too because I had not noted the change in feelings... duh. I started out feeling frustrated and very negative and by the end.... total turn around... I felt hopeful again. No, I don't have all the answers but just thinking about the questions sure helps bring focus and awareness of the progress I have made. So often I hesitate to post because my initial response is so negative.... but maybe I should do more of just answering without judging and let the process happen. It's just too easy to say "Oh, I'm just so negative... I can't post anything." And, stop there... not even try to think it through because ... what's the point? Hard to remember when I'm brooding within myself... sigh... gotta remember it ALWAYS helps to reach out and get other perspectives.
I spend too much time home alone and too much time on the computer playing scrabble or on the forums trying to connect with people I don't even know will show up... sometimes I don't leave the house for weeks at a time. I enjoy my time alone... but suspect it is somewhat counterproductive :/ Next week I go back to work so I will still spend most of my time at home but will have the company of a very bright 3 year old and an entertaining 1 year old. We will go to playgrounds and such but I will still be alone as far as adult company. Sometimes the kids are way more engaging than the adults in my life anyway. They are a bright beacon for me.... even with the diapers and tantrums...
Oh gosh... this is a good question. Despite the negatives in my behavior (which I've mentioned elsewhere) I have learned so much this month. Three things I've learned:
I really can only handle two drinks... even 1/2 oz over sends me to the edge to oblivion... after that, I only stop when the supply stops.
When I deny any aspect of myself (such as the addict) I set myself up for failure. When I stay attentive and aware... I can control the drinking and the anxiety and the depression. When I deny any aspect of myself... well... like I said before, I just set myself up for failure.
When I embrace myself (all of myself..... including the addict and the inner child and the responsible adult; the positive self and the negative self..... I can find balance... by staying aware. I guess I've learned that awareness and balance are so very important to living healthy and well.
I think the most memorable moment was when I decided to embrace my whole self (being aware... no denial) and suddenly found extreme freedom to just play... just enjoy myself.... no judgment... and got to paint and glue and just have fun with an art project. Amazing experience.... especially the no judgment part. Phenomenal! Why was this so great??? Because it was fresh and real and spontaneous. Very different from the usual carefully calculated sameness/safeness I hold dear... or used to anyway :) That may be about to change.
Sometimes you just have to grab hold of the concept that it is, indeed, the journey that counts... not the destination. Hang in there Alexandra... you have come to a great place for help and support. I'm glad you are here!
Ashley... your post reminds me of the KISS acronym... "Keep it simple s...". so often I do trip myself up by making things way more complicated than they need to be. Sometimes, a simple pro and con list can help tremendously. They are always both present with any decision to be made. How much pro do we need to counter the con?..... ah, life.... such a challenge. Keep posting Rowsie... it helps to walk it through and get feedback. The ultimate decision is yours, of course, but it helps to write out the conflict as you wend your way through the decision making process. We do care and are here to listen.
I met with my friend today. We had breakfast and talked and then walked around the local Farmer's Market. It was very nice and comfortable... not awkward. It was a totally pleasant and interesting morning. I'm home now and just feel so sad and down. Maybe this is that let down we were talking about before... after doing something positive and distracting then we just get to go back to being depressed. That doesn't seem fair. I had started feeling better.
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