Hey Jacques... it is really good to hear from you. I've been worried about you and wondering what is happening. I am so very sorry you are feeling such discouragement. Have you been back to your doctor to see about adjusting your meds? Your previous low dose is clearly not helping much if at all. It sometimes takes real persistence to get the right meds at the right dosages. Please, if you do nothing else... go see your doctor. That is the most important thing. Go. Go now.
And, a favor please ... keep us posted as to how you are doing. Where you are in the program. Even if you are stuck. I know it is hard when the depression descends but even if you can only write one word... I urge you to do so. As hopeless as things feel, you must remember that it is the disease "talking" and things can get better... For reals.
I don't believe in the bottoming out thing. I just think we do the best that we can and try not to judge ourselves. What session are you on in the program?
Thank you Jacques and Nothingleft for checking in today. I'm really glad to see you both posting. With regard to trying everything to get better, I once told my pdoc that i was so desperate for some relief that I would walk down the middle of the street, turning circles and throwing ice water if it meant an end to the horrible abyss I was in. He didn't think it was funny.
He upped my meds and asked if I needed to go to the hospital. These guys have no sense of humor. Anyway, I just mention this time in my life to maybe give you a snicker and also some hope. Cuz I saw no end in sight and had already lost most everything in my life... but, here I am... and I am definitely better.
Welcome. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time right now. I think we have come to the right place to help with our depression. This site provides real tools to make a change in how we think and behave and feel. It is no quick fix, but if you give yourself time to work through the sessions it really seems to provide an avenue of relief.
As for the medications, all I can offer is what my experience has been. Upping or lowering meds causes all kinds of emotional and physical changes... best undertaken with a doctor's supervision. I can't tell you how many times I decided to go off my meds.... for many different reasons.... feeling better, feeling worse, cost, side effects, didn't want to be a "crazy". About a month into my quit I would be wondering why I was so depressed and headed for a hospitalization. Since the effects did not wear off immediately, by the time they did, I'd forgotten I'd gone off the meds!
I don't go off my meds anymore and I've learned to check with my doctor (used to have a pdoc but now just see my gp) before making any changes. Life works better for me when I do. It was hard to come to the realization that I need to stay on them probably for the rest of my life... I am hoping doing the CBT will maybe mean I can eventually take a lower dosage. This messed up brain chemistry stuff is no myth... it can be really, truly debilitating.
Thanks for coming to check us out... I hope you will find the support you are looking for.
Really good points Jacques. I sure wish I had known all this when I quit an absolutely wonderful job because I felt too depressed to function. My employer was very willing to help out in whatever way I needed, but I just felt like such a loser. Such a slacker. So I quit. They had to hire 4 people to replace me. Four! Talk about skewed perceptions.
I have long held that it was the best thing for the employer.... but I never thought about those things you wrote.
I feel really sad... I left 10 years ago and haven't worked outside the home since. I don't think I ever grieved that loss because I'm sitting here feeling weepy and my reaction ... well... i just wasn't expecting it.
Jacques, in two paragraphs you have helped alleviate 10 years of guilt and shame. I actually felt real feelings, they came and went taking so much pain. I'm not exaggerating. I didn't curl in on myself. I didn't drink. I didn't freak out. Your words... actually I don't know how to explain, except that this is a really big deal to be able to use your thoughts on the matter to change 10 years of negative thoughts. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
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