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13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Rebuilding Self Esteem 2

In this program It seems like we are being challenged to just be aware... a lot. And I think I'm beginning to get that because I am starting to actually hear the negative voices... I mean before the tapes would run and I didn't hear them but just felt really awful and didn't exactly know why. Now, I've started to hear the "You are a stupid, worthless, waste of space loser!" (that's the nicer version) I did not realize how much that was going on inside. Now that I can hear the negative self-talk... and as long as I remember to listen... I find I can also say "Wait a second...." and challenge those negative thoughts. Does that make any sense? Or am I just a nutcase and this is all just a bunch of BS (which is what my inner voice is saying right now, but I'm challenging it... sort of) ~m

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Rebuilding Self Esteem 2

aww shucks

Thank you for the encouragement and outside perspective. I didn't realize I was ending every post that way. There is definitely something to this "being aware" ... my tendency is to try to beat myself into behaving "rightly" ... it is really so much easier (and more productive) to sit back and observe... then move forward gently with understanding and compassion. What a concept!

For observations sake I am noticing that when you describe me as:

... intelligent, insightful, and a real trooper!

it makes me feel sick to my stomach and creepy itchy all over. I am so much more comfortable thinking of myself as a drunk, depressive nutcase. That's not very helpful

Is it? I would never think that of someone else... much less say it to them. I don't know why I do that to me, but will try to address myself in a more positive manner. Oh, cr*p! I just set another goal. <sigh>

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Loss

Hey J... thanks so much for coming back to continue this "conversation". You are definitely in a very difficult time and situation in your life. You show such awareness of what is happening (for you and ppl close to you) and how you are feeling and thinking and even what you need to do for yourself... then it seems to me like you just totally disregard all that insight and awareness. And not just disregard it, but stomp on it and tamp it down to invalidate everything you feel and want and need. What purpose does that serve? Sure, I know... this is what high functioning depressives do best... take care of everyone else and disregard ourselves.

You wrote:

i wish i could just push a pause button on my life and just take a break for a while, let myself just be for a while, then get back into the grind after i have had some time...

Can you set aside judging yourself for wanting (needing) that and look for ways to make it happen? Or maybe just start with the idea that it would be OK to take time to just BE... and then watch for ways it might be possible. I am finally learning that when we change our perspective it is amazing what we can suddenly see.

You say you can't take "more" time off, but being a personal caregiver to a dieing loved one is no "time off". It just isn't. There is nothing more difficult, time consuming, emotionally and physically draining. Please, please if you do nothing else, acknowledge that you are worn out and depressed for a very legitimate reason.

One last thought for now... I too spent my life trying to do everything "right". I've finally come to see that there is no one right way to do anything. All of us do the best that we can in the moment. And that is just the way it is. Life presents us with many roads and many alternative routes...

The DC is one route we are fortunate to have found. There are many brave and amazing people here. Hopefully we can encourage each other and be encouraged on our way. Keep coming back. Keep posting. It helps so much to be heard and not judged. Yes?

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Depressed people can´t have relationships.

In my experience, it is very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone else unless you give yourself the time and attention you need to find your balance, your center, your value to you ... first.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Rebuilding Self Esteem 2

Jacques... maybe what is important is not the why but how we make it better for ourselves now.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Depression and Own Business

yup, I hear you Jacques... I definitely could "out run" my depression when I was younger. I guess we just have more energy to start with or something. It does get harder as we age, but in some ways it gets better because we sort of learn on what not to waste our limited energies. A lot of stuff isn't nearly as crucial (or as much in our control) as we think when we are younger.

As for where to go for help.... seems to me like you are already seeking and finding some help. You are here. Yes? And posting even... Give yourself credit for that.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Rebuilding Self Esteem 2

Daylight, thanks so much for posting how you are feeling. I am working on the negative thoughts section of the CBT session and thinking how will I ever recognize all the negative thoughts I have and then when I read your post it dawned on me that members here can help each other recognize such thoughts. It is hard for me to see my own, but I read your post and want to reach out and say wait a second... you point out all your "bad" characteristics... but underneath the despair I don't see a bad or irresponsible person... you are here looking for help. Is that irresponsible? You indicate that you rarely make your own decisions and when you do they are "not the right" ones... Did you learn anything from the decisions you did make?

Just some examples from what you wrote. Similar to examples from my own life that I'm trying to "see" differently. Trying to "listen" to my thoughts better. You want to be taken seriously. Me too. Here at DC we are taken seriously. Not too much chit-chat going on... we are talking about real problems in our thinking and have the desire to change our thoughts and behaviors.

I hope you will continue to post more of your process. It has helped me to do that and really helps me to hear how other members are processing the homework and their journey toward wellness.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Weekend

Samantha,

Thanks for the reminder to use the mood tracker. I have fallen back into thinking I will remember what I was feeling days later. Ha. Sometimes, I can't remember 10 minutes ago.

One of the things that I did learned from successfully completing a mood tracker for each day ... was that early mornings are my best time of day (when I get up)... so now I try to remember that and make myself get up early (even if it is just to have coffee and sit on the couch) instead of staying in bed until later. I also noticed that early afternoon is my very worst time of day.

This sounds like a stupid little thing to write about, but it has helped me. Now I notice how prone I am to negative thoughts in the afternoons and am a little better about challenging those thoughts. I also know that the high energy in the morning won't last all day so I need to be more realistic about what I can accomplish with my day.

I've gotten lazy about the written homework, so I appreciate the reminder to keep these darn trackers and charts and things. (I always reserve the right to whine in the direction toward which I will, indeed, eventually, go.)

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Hoping this will help

Welcome Serenity. I'm glad you are here. This is a great place to find support and a community that really cares and understands.

13 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1022

Rebuilding Self Esteem 2

Jacques,

I like your technique of framing letters of recognition. I throw away such things too... or keep them hidden. Great idea. Thanks for sharing this.

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