Dumped all nicotine; going for detox now
Although April 30 was my declared quit date, it was only the quit of smoking. According to my little incremental plan which has been going on for several months, I was going to keep using the nicotine lozenges, while gradually decreasing the dosages.
But something funny happened when I let go of the "last cigarette." The whole quit process took on its own momentum. All of a sudden, I didn't want to do anything but read about addiction and quitting. Got a hold of the book from the WhyQuit website, and started reading over the weekend. In one weekend, I just gained a huge amount of information about the nature of nicotine addiction, cravings, and quitting. At the same time, my body was kind of starting to reject nicotine, even from the lozenges. I was wanting less and less. Got down to a lozenge and a half on Saturday and one lozenge on Sunday. (These were broken into halves and quarters and taken a little at a time.) By Monday, I figured, "Ah, what the h---" and just kept on going. Total of 1/2 lozenge (2 quarters at different times) on Monday.
And that's when detox began. I finally figured out what I've been avoiding all these years. My inner addict is a conniving, manipulative, demanding, screaming, violent b----. I spent all day Monday feeling like I was on some weird drug, feeling like a total junkie, listening to this inner voice con, beg, cajole, taunt, scream, rationalize, etc to the point where I don't know how I got through a single thought about anything other than nicotine. Went home and laid in bed, sweating and cramping like a heroin addict for several hours. My upper abdomen is still sore from all the muscle cramps/ spasms. That is one symptom that I wasn't prepared for. I was also raging mad. I literally told an old friend to hang up and call me later this week, since he called in the middle of high freaked-out-ness for me.
And today, I woke up much calmer. It's like something broke through in the night. That huge anxiety state has left me. The anger is a kind of a foggy memory right now. I had a sense of freedom. I've still had many thoughts about nicotine today, but without all the intensity. I've laughed out loud several times today at my screaming inner addict. I'm guessing that I'm detoxed now, aside from getting some of the underlying muck out and readjusting my senses.
So this is what it is like on the other side, eh? If I had known quitting was like this, I might have quit a long time ago. If I had known quitting was like this, I might not have ever started. I need to remind myself of these thoughts, frequently.
I have however, gained several realizations and resisted many urges. 
Somehow, holding on to them was a security blanket for me; the knowledge that they were there somehow allowed me to say "no." For some reason, after I detoxed, I didn't want them in my room anymore. The roommate was all gleeful about the "gift," and kept asking me if I was serious. I said, "Well, my intention is to not smoke again, so these really have no more value to me," and "thanks for taking them off my hands." 
(OK, I can do this. Breathe. Breathe. 
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