Still plugging along
Here is what I came up with in my blog. I feel embarrassed that i am still so obviously hooked in. But it is what it is. I'm hoping that I will look at this a whole different way someday.
Dear Smoking Habit,
You have been my friend for many years. A deceptive and unhealthy friend, but still, a friend. You have seen me through the end of 3 significant relationships. You have been there for me when I was alone, when I had no one to turn to and no one to talk to. It is certainly hard to let you go.
You've bonded me with strangers. You have also drawn in some strangers that I didn't want...Others who shared the habit and wanted to bum a cigarette from me.
When I was younger, you gave me a sense of power. I felt as if I were a fire-breathing dragon that no one could touch. As I've gotten older, I find you a source of weakness. A craving when I'm trying to focus, a cough and a wheeze that I don't like, a reason for people to not want to touch me. I'll never know how many potential friends of relationships have been thwarted by you. People don't say. They just stay away.
You've always been a reliable excuse to leave the room when things got to be too much. I became aware of that soon after I started to eliminate you. No more excuses to take a walk outside and breathe. Now, I will simply have to...take a walk and breathe.. without you.
Logically, I know that your time is passing. It is time for you to go. I keep saying these words with a sense of denial. I write them. I say them. But I don't quite believe them. Like dealing with the passing of any old friend, I need to deny my feelings for a bit in order to function. When will I finally feel it and cry? I'm not sure. I am only sure that it will happen, and I am afraid of the powerful feelings that will spill forth.
Without you, who am I? What am I? Just a person alone on this earth, without my protection from the old god of fire. It will be just me. Will people like me just the same? Will I like myself, with all my fears, anxieties, insecurities, and frustrations...and no veil of smoke to hide behind?
Soon, we shall know, since soon you will pass on. Fading away, like a slowly dissipating cloud of smoke. You will vanish. And someday, I will look back on this and smile with the knowledge that you have been released. And so will have I.
