Today I am taking a day off from work because I woke up this morning too depressed to face it. Work is probably the main cause of my depression because I used to be a pretty happy person...before I started this job. I have had this job for two years, but last year was ok because there were a lot of things I could blame for my depression - the loss of a close friend (grief), having to deal with a suicidally depressed friend and kind of be her only support person, a suspected cancerous tumour, and going from a job I loved that ended to a job I didn't like so much and was harder, just due to circumstances.
It's so much harder without adversity, which is what I find weird. Now it's just me and the job I'm supposed to have gotten used to and be good at. I have totally run out of motivation. I was so bored at work the first few months this year that I frittered away lots of days. Now I am in danger of being fired because I may not make my sales quotas for the year - there just isn't time left. I really desperately need a vacation but feel like I can't afford to take it. There are days where I do almost nothing even though it is mission critical for me to get things done just because I am paralyzed with hopelessness. I am constantly guilty when not working but I can't bring myself to work. I feel so undeserving of my pay that I give tons of it away.
I hate this job a lot, but it isn't as easy as simply quitting as my friends keep hounding me to do. The job market is terrible and it would take 6 months to get a new job at least. And to be honest I'd rather turn myself around and be motivated and positive by the time I get a new job or the same thing is going to happen again.
Anyways, a lot of ranting to explain why I'm here.
Welcome to the group! I just joined this website yesterday but I already feel better starting my cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT, because I'm lazy...).
From what I see, it focuses on getting you to change what you do, which will then help you to feel better about yourself. The problem with at least my depression is that it causes me to think I'm a loser, and not want to do anything, and then when I do nothing I feel more like a loser because I didn't do anything...and so on! CBT seems to try and help you break that spiral and get you doing the things you want to do.
I'm sorry to hear you lost everything you wanted in life. *HUG*
There's a silver lining though, the fact that you still want things in life is a great start - at my worst, I didn't actually want anything because I hated everything. So I really hope CBT helps you *get* those things you want, or something like them, back again.
Thank you Ashley! A fellow Canadian - it seems like there are a lot of us on here. :)
I think what my goal is (now that I have worked through the goal sheet) is to turn things around and although I really hate what I'm doing, at least become more the worker I want to be before I move on, so that I can actually be honest in selling myself to a new place where I can get a fresh start and (hopefully) be enthused. Because otherwise I'll just be unproductive and guilty there too.
This may prove impossible, but I'm going to take a few months (with CBT) and see if I can make any progress.
You might not be able to help with this but I'll ask you anyway: do you have any tips for how to enjoy a vacation? Some people get really stressed out with the mountain of work waiting for them at the end that they don't take vacation or may as well not have had a vacation - I may be turning into one of those people, particularly since I'll be even farther behind on my quotas when I get back. I want to be able to enjoy my holiday and relax as much as possible so that I have replenished energy to tackle that mountain at the end of the holiday. Any tips for that?
Many thanks, Ashley. I have encountered mindfulness but only insofar as it is forced on us in the business world as a New Agey way of becoming "less stressed" and more productive. So I certainly associate it with work stress and the workplace. I am not sure it will be easy to disassociate it. Perhaps the underlying idea would be good for me but once the word "mindfulness" is said, the spell is broken.
I will, however, try the worry section of this website! :)
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