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12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Back again...and again...

Hello all,

I've been here before under many other names and accounts. (Sorry about that researchers, I know I am messing up data). I change my e-mail regularly and my passwords often. I couldn't remember under which e-mail or password I was signed in lat time and I think that e-mail doesn't exist anymore, even. Also, I kinda wanted to start fresh, or over as it was. so here goes.

I am a new mom. I had my first child late in life. Kiddo is the greatest baby in the world. I have a great husband. I also think I have postpartum depression.

Of course I am going to do all the medical checking like I always do like get my thyroid checked...again and such things but at this point in my life I recognize the signs of depression.

I have had several depressions in my life. I have also struggled with anxiety disorders. I'Ve been in the mental health care system for more than half my life. I have so many different diagnosis to my name I can'T even keep track of them anymore. Seriously, I don't know what the general consensus is bout me anymore when it comes to doctors and psychiatrists and therapists. But oh well, I am me.

I've done the Dep. C. program before and the Panic C. program before and they helped. But I am dealing with a relapse so here I am again. Hmmm...I am repeating myself aren't I? I have trouble keeping track of my thoughts lately.

Anyway, I had my amazing baby in the past year. Kiddo was born prematurely and was in the hospital for weeks. It was tough but we got through it. I thought I was doing fine.

But the last few months, I have been exhausted, anxious, weepy, sad, uninterested, gaining weight, sleeping too much, I have no get up and go, I have trouble just bathing everyday, in fact, I don't anymore. I have trouble taking care of the house. It's a good thing Hubby is here. I feel bad about myself a lot. Sometimes I feel downright subhuman. I feel guilty al the time. Despite Hubby assuring me that I am a great mom I feel like the worse mom in the world. In short, I think I have postpartum.

So hello all, nice to meet you!

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Back again...and again...

Hello Ashley,

Thank you for the welcome. My goals this week is to manage to go for a walk at least once. I am hoping to do a bit of housework. Finally I want to bather everyday. I haven't had the get up and go to bathe daily. That bugs me.

I use every ounces of energy I have to make sure Kiddo is well cared for. By the time I am done with that, I have nothing left. I mean once he falls asleep for the night or a nap or something, I am just burned out.

Anyway, those are my goals this week. That and to set-up my homework for session 1.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Scared out of my mind.

Hi guys, this is one of my many alternate accounts. (Again, sorry to the researchers.). I am not sure which email or password this was under. But since someone reopened this thread I thought I may as well let you know I am back. It's funny, I had forgotten I had written this. I thought I had been dealing really well with this until now. I guess I hadn't been. Wow, denial is a powerful thing. It seems I have ben struggling longer than I thought.

So, the news is, Kiddo is home. He is wonderful. I am the one who is doing not so well. Thanks all for your warmth and support.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Scared out of my mind.

I would say right now my most difficult symptoms are exhaustion/fatigue/sleepiness, complete lack of motivation, low self-worth and guilt. Sometimes anxiety kicks in too.

I can't seem to do anything or want to do anything. And when I do feel like doing something I am too tired for it. I feel like I am drowning in my own lameness.

Anyway, today was okay but I am having a rough moment now so I will sign off. Thanks for asking :)

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Scared out of my mind.

I am not doing well at all. I think hormones are part of the issue. I feel like nobody cares. Anyway, I should go to bed. I wrote more in my blog...

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Parenting

Wasn't sure where to post this discussion but here goes.

I've been driving myself nuts wanting to be the perfect mom, the perfect parent.

-Make sure the baby doesn't see me on the computer or watching television, I don't want to teach him to be a couch potato or that happiness comes from a screen.

- Try to make sure he doesn't see Daddy on the computer or watching tv.

-Try not to expose baby to the television or the computer, don'twant to make him ADHD or a gamer or a couch potato.

- Make sure baby listens to music but not so much as to overload him

- Make sure baby gets quiet time so he learns to amuse himself quietly.

-Make sure baby get plenty of activities, so he learns to like moving and learning.

- Make sure baby get the right stimulus in the right amounts.

-Exersaucer, play mats, books, etc, all in the right proportions...

-Homemade baby food

I have been freaking out, reading up on stuff, overanalyzing this. What am I trying to do? What do I hope to do? Make sure I don't screw up my baby. Now that I am actively trying to be a good mom, a super mom and raise a well-balanced, intelligent, active, happy child, I am now exhausted as rarely before, anxious, more anxious than I have been in a long time and taking more meds than I have in a while. I am anxious and exhausted and I have been enjoying my time with baby a lot less. I can't seem to figure this out. When is a mom too mellow or not mellow enough? I just want to do right by him but I am either stressed and not enjoying him enough or mellow but he doesn't get the stimulation he needs and sees the television too much and stuff. I just can't manage to be both happy and mellow with him and give him what he needs, what the experts say is better....I feel like I am failing him.

12 years ago 0 +0 / -0 7

Parenting

Thank you all for the advice, the support and for the hugs. Yes the hugs are okay :)

I've written in my blog. Kinda long so I won't rewrite here. But I have to admit I have been struggling a lot. And I feel like a failure. I feel like I am failing as a wife and mother. Heck some days I feel just plain like a waste of space.

Most days, I just do what I can to survive and maintain the status quo. But the status quo ain't that great you know? Anyway, I pretend like I am okay. I do my best not to be a burden. But really, I am not doing that well.

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