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Posts created by Arizona

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

My Journey Out of the Darkness

Hi everyone,

This will be a long message so you might want to grab a tasty beverage. I hope you enjoy my story.

I was diagnosed with Major Depression and Anxiety in late September. Up until this point I had been in a significant and downward spiral. I had become consumed with darkness, negativity, and virtually every symptom of depression. It was awful and I had no idea what was happening to me.

My best friend saved my life and saved me from myself. She and my mother convinced me to get help. I had been planning to drop out of society, buy a van, and never work again. It was a very very dark time.

I took a leave from my job on September 26 and I didn't return until last week. Leaving my job was the best decision for me because I had significant concentration and memory impairment and I believe I was working towards losing my job due to poor performance as a result of my depression. The process of acquiring my short term disability benefits was fairly straightforward and I was approved with little fuss. This, however, quickly changed at the 90 day mark and my benefits were terminated without notice. I've had no success in getting them back, even with the significant support of my psychiatrist. The removal of my benefits caused a great deal of stress and although my health had improved, this stress caused a complete return of my depressive symptoms. It took me an additional month to recover from this.

I've used medication (Pristiq), meditation, and yoga to treat my depression. Yoga and meditation changed me from a devout atheist to a very spiritual person. Pristiq gave me balance and showed me what it was like to be free of anxiety, something I'd never known before. I can't believe I felt anxious for most of my life and had no idea.

On the personal side, my selfish and inconsiderate behaviour has cost me two very important relationships and I'm not sure I can ever get them back. I've learned some powerful lessons and I believe I can be more considerate and much less selfish. These are my current goals. It's heartbreaking to have lost so much but it's uplifting to know that I have a fresh perspective and a fresh start.

Depression has changed my life and I think for the better. I believe my body gave me this depression so that I could slow down, re-evaluate my priorities, and become the better person I need to be.

If anyone has any questions about my experience I'm happy to share.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

My Journey Out of the Darkness

Thank you Ashley. I do the best that I can, one day at a time. Kind of a cliche but it's true for me and it works. So, who is the person I have to be? My primary focus is 'love'. I need to be love, to embody love. Everyday I have the opportunity to make the world a better place and I have the control and the choice. I try to ensure that my actions embody the spirit of love and that my personal interactions with other people give them strength. Too often in the past I was a taker. I didn't know it, of course, but I always took more from the world than I gave. Now I want to give more than I take. The second main principle of my new life is 'do no harm'. For me this means many different things. For example, when I am out walking I will pick up trash if I see it. Another example is that I've pretty much gone vegetarian as I don't want to support factory farming. Basically, I've created a moral code that is true to me and I do my best to navigate life through this lens. If I perceive something as harmful, I won't do it and if I perceive harm and I can do something about it, then I will. I figure if I embody both of these principles that the universe will give me what I need and that I will live a life without regret and with deep satisfaction that I have made a difference, even if it's only a small one. Cheers, Robyn

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

My Journey Out of the Darkness

"In what ways has living by these new principles helped you? What is the game plan for the next few weeks?"

I'm trying a new way to quote because using the quote button mangled the punctuation in my previous post ;)

Yes, the post was positive and overall life is good. I am alive! However, like everyone I have problems and I have challenges, and I have bad days. This is life.

The cool thing is that by living my values, being love and doing no harm, I am able to connect to something larger than myself and something larger than my petty problems. By focusing on giving and focusing on helping I move beyond myself. For me, this is essential because it gives meaning to my life and helps me live for something better than me.

My plan for the next week(s) is the same as my plan for the previous weeks. 1. Be grateful for being alive, it's special and it's a miracle. 2. Worship the mother earth and everything that she provides. 3. Do my best to be loving. 4. Do my best to do no harm, when and where I can. 5. Try to approach life and relationships without motive, try to give and not take.

For now, this is all I know. Meditation gives me the tools to deal with my negative emotions as best I can.

Cheers,

Robyn

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

hello

Hello Arathi,

I can feel the pain in your post. I too have loved and lost and I know it hurts.

Please use the Ceridian Lifeworks service to see a counselor ASAP. They can even do phone counseling on the first session. It will help you to talk to someone.

I can't expect to know what you're experiencing but I do know that in my life the loss of someone has always been the most painful loss.

Please tell us more about how you're doing, what's going on and how you're feeling.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

Antidepressants

I take Pristiq. First at 50mg per day and now at 100mg. I will likely be taking this for another year before my psychiatrist clear me to start weaning off of them.

I had some initial side effects including nausea, constipation, headaches, and a total loss of sex drive. All were temporary, lasting than 6 weeks. Now I'm not experiencing an sideffects and I've been on Pristiq for 5 months.

Cheers,

Robyn

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

My Journey Out of the Darkness

Thanks for the positive replies. It's nice to hear the my posts are making a difference for other people.

"From what I have read it seems that you have a good understanding of your authentic values. How did you come to these realizations?"

The universe, in my belief system, gives us what we need. We only need to be open and then we will receive it.

Let me be more specific: when I was diagnosed with depression I had been struggling to maintain a world that just wasn't working for me. My values were in deep conflict, my body knew this, and it made me depressed. This is how I have come to understand my depression. Through counseling I learned to listen to my body, to experience my emotions, even if they are unpleasant. Previously I just drank my emotions away (bad idea, eh!). Meditation built on this new emotional knowledge and I learned to quiet my mind. I didn't need to rationalize my emotions or seek to explain them, I just needed to feel them and to let them go. I have a special meditation that I do when I am feeling emotional pain and it works so well that once the meditation is completed the pain is gone. I can actually feel it lift during the mediation.

This process of feeling really helped me see what works for me and what doesn't. This is how I got in touch with my values. However, what I've found and what's really amazed me and changed me from an atheist is that once you start down this path experiences/coincidences keep happening and to me that just can't be random. Experiences and personal encounters keep happening that lead you on this journey and keep building on what you've learned. It's truly special. It's really taught me that I should not label things as good or bad. During the experience I have no way of knowing what the larger implications will be and therefore I have no way of knowing what the larger ramifications are. Case in point, my motorcycle broke down (seems bad) but this delayed my voyage and allowed me to meet some truly special people I wouldn't have met otherwise (seems good) and weeks later these people helped me get through some difficult experiences (seems very good). So, had I labeled the motorcycle experience as bad then I would have created negativity where it wasn't needed. Therefore, I believe, events just exist, we can experience them, but we should avoid labeling them.

In summary, finding your values is a process. Be open to the spirit of discovery and listen to your body. Your body, in my opinion, knows what's right for you and will help you discover your values.

Cheers,

Robyn

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

hello

Arathi,

That is a very moving letter. Thank you for sharing it.

I've had my share of relationship ups and downs and I understand the deep and awful pain that can result from an ending. Not being able to communicate with someone you love is very very very hard to deal with. I know this from personal experience.

The thing is that you cannot change the past, you cannot change the future, you can only control the present moment. That's it. So, how do you deal with this situation on a moment to moment basis. I think you should take some time to listen to your feelings, don't let you mind label them, just listen. Your body knows how to deal with toxic emotions, just keep the mind out of it. One of the biggest challenges in my depression was the recurring ruminating thoughts. On and on and on. If you can listen to your body and stop those thoughts you will feel better. It certainly made me feel better.

You are in my thoughts today and thank you so much for sharing your story with me.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

question

Hi CVDEB,

I'm not a doctor in any capacity. However, I am taking Pristiq and have been for about 5 months. My psychiatrist advised me that it can take about 6 weeks to see a noticeable and sustained effect from Pristiq. You're lucky to be taking it as it is a newer drug and I am told that it has fewer side effects then the other options.

In my depression I had days that were up and days that were down. I think it's normal to experience a variance from day-to-day and from moment to moment.

Pristiq really worked for me. Eventually we upped the dosage from 50mg to 100mg. I found that I was too susceptible to stressors and this allowed for a significant relapse. Once we changed my dose everything came together.

One other thing to note, people on Pritiq can be susceptible to mania. Your doctor and your friends should keep an eye on you as your condition improves. If you experience mania you will note a significant reduction in sleep required, ie waking totally rested after less than 4 hours sleep, excited and accelerated speech, a higher level of energy than normal etc... Not something to be worried about but a good thing to be aware of.

Re: getting back to yourself... I believe that depression will forever change you. The old self no longer exists but there is an opportunity for a new self to emerge, a better self. Depression changed my life, opened my eyes, and helped me become a more centered person. I hope it does the same for you.

Best,

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

Diva's rainy days...

Hi Diva,

It's hard to hear that you're having such a hard time. My heart goes out to you and I am sending you my best positive thoughts today.

Please be strong and follow your moto "this too shall pass". If you can, try not to be alone today. Find some company and go for a long walk. Cry if you need to and listen to you body but tell your mind to take a break. Hard to do, I know.

Best,

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 32

Cognitive Distortions & My Bad Boy Ways

Hi everyone,

So I just finished the CBT section on cognitive distortions. I am shocked, it was like a play-by-play of all my bad boy behavior.

Seriously, I've been told that I'm guilty of many of these distortions by previous girlfriends. I'm especially guilty of all-or-none thinking and mind reading. Those are the ones I do the most but honestly I think I am guilty of most of them.

This is so cool. If I hadn't discovered this resource I'd wouldn't have the chance I now have to change my behavior and continue to become the person I need to be.

Exciting and wonderful!

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