Ashley, thanks for the question and the chance to reflect on what has brought me here, a good reinforcement at this point.
In my previous attempt at quitting, it was with the end point of moderating in mind. I really felt that if I quit for a while, I would no longer rely on alcohol in the same way. After all, I could take it or leave it now right? Although I did control things for a while, eventually I felt the pull back to just one more and more; until I was back where I was before, except now trying to hide the fact from others so they wouldn't be disappointed.
I tried to moderate, with my husband's support several times more and it always worked at first but then I felt the pull and need for one more glass. Such negative feelings and guilt the next day! Eventually both my daughters and husband voiced their concern and even that was not enough. The last straw was an embarrassing evening with friends when for the first time I overindulged in front of people I did not know well. They are light drinkers and they left early because I was getting bombed. Everyone else had none or several glasses of wine only.
For some reason, this was my wake up call about the reality of my situation and where I was headed. I am newly retired and I was settling in to drinking every night with no work restraint for the next day. I was feeling sad and unmoored. My husband and I has a talk the next day after the dinner party. It was the day of our 28th wedding anniversary. He said that he wanted many more happy years ahead. He said he didn't understand why I needed ever more alcohol but he had noticed the amount I was drinking now. (He is a moderate drinker and usually has one or two drinks, occasionally more but never overindulges). He asked what I wanted to do and I said that I needed to quit drinking and asked for his support.
That was two weeks ago. It has not been easy and I struggle with thoughts of going back. Alcohol is such a part of every celebration and just life in general. It was certainly an integral part of my life. I have been telling people close to me as it comes up naturally. Most say but you don't need to quit completely. They don't know how I felt and what I was capable of drinking; but I do know now and I have faced the reality of my situation.
Do I feel sad that I can't drink like others? Yes I do wish I could continue to drink and do so moderately. But I know that I am not like others and I can't. I have tried and it simply did not work. I also know that these past two weeks of abstinence have begun to give me back my self confidence and optimism. I am now fully hopeful that there are good things ahead, that I have the strength to handle what life throws at me with a developing belief in my wisdom. I am setting goals for the first time in a long time.
I don't miss that constant sense of shame and guilt. I don't miss waking up hungover and beating myself for failing again. I don't miss any of that and I know that alcohol never really made anything better. I will keep reminding myself of all this; I like waking up with a clear head and I will continue to do so for my own sense well-being.
