This is my first post. I am looking to significantly cut back the number of days of the week that I drink, and the number of drinks I have every day. Approximately four years ago, I got divorced (I initiated the divorce - alcohol was not a reason for the divorce or a problem in my life at that time, though I do feel quite a bit of guilt about how the divorce happened). We have a six year-old daughter, joint custody, and equally share in parenting time, though I am generally considered our daughter's primary parent. I have a very demanding job, am always pulled in a million different directions, feel constantly underwater (made worse by drinking, which I often use as an escape) and travel for work frequently.
Soon after I was divorced, I began dating my current partner, who also has a six year-old daughter half the time. We moved in together 2.5 years ago. We also work together, thus, he shares much of the same work stress I have (if not more - he is 11 years older and his position is more senior to mine). In the time we have lived together, I have tripled the amount I drink on a daily and weekly basis. I have gained 20 lbs as a result of my drinking and am depressed about it. We do not drink and drive and the bulk of our drinking occurs on the weekend, when traveling, and when our children aren't present. Cost is not really an issue, though we could certainly save a lot of money if we drank less (we like good wine!). The only other consequence of our drinking is that I am not able to work
as much in the evening as I should based on the demands of my job, and generally feel less effective than I would like.
I've asked my partner to do "detox" weeks, to abstain from drinking altogether during the week (I believe having some sober days will also reduce the number of drinks we have on the weekend), to limit the amount of alcohol we have available in the house so there is no opportunity to drink more than say, a single bottle of wine between the two of us, or for us each to purchase our own beverages so that we're better able to estimate the amount we drink and set limits on our own drinking. Each time, he agrees and then does not follow the rules we've agreed to - usually by inviting me to do something that breaks our agreement (e.g., meet for a drink after work, open another bottle of wine, partake in a really good bottle of wine he just purchased). I know I can't expect that he will change his behavior or even want to do so, but his initiating drinking and his failure to realize the amount we are drinking is a problem makes it very difficult for me to follow through with cutting back.
I'm also worried that if I start cutting back my drinking and avoiding the social situations we share where drinking is involved, he will accuse me of distancing myself in our relationship and/or seek attention from others while he is out drinking, no matter how transparent I am about the reasons for my cutting back. This pressure makes me feel stuck, without many options.
It is at the point that I have considered moving out of the house we
share so that I can take control to better protect my health and be more present.
However, that action seems very extreme, and like I am escaping the problem, rather than trying to manage it effectively. I do love my partner very much and we have created a family
together, beginning from when our daughters were very young.
I would like to find a solution that allows us to stay in a relationship under the same roof that gives me the willpower to abstain from drinking at least several days a week and drink much less when I am drinking, even if my partner is drinking or initiates it. Any advice (including "buck up and say no!") is more than appreciated!
