So after my horrible relapse Wednesday night I am going to do an alcohol free-weekend. 2 days was a good goal, but I tricked myself into thinking it meant I had more control. Even though I talked it out with my husband on Wednesday I still feel this morning, a sense of impending doom. Full story: Wednesday I was off work and a busy bee doing housework. I was feeling good and in control and felt like it was a new start. I found an empty vodka bottle that I had polished off in the previous weeks and felt kinda bad. Wanting to undo it perhaps, I grabbed another when I was at the grocery store. I filled the old bottle up most of the way, and had some left. Like an idiot I of course finished it off (almost) myself. My tispy self went into the garage thinking I would do some yard work, and I took the bottle with and stored it under some bags. My husband came out and (very kindly) directed me back inside and into bed, where I bawled and apologized and showed him this site. He was very sweet and said that if this was bothering me, and it was something I felt I needed to do, we would do it together. The next morning he left for a business trip until Saturday. Before he left (I'm sure you can already tell he is awesome) he put out the garbage and recycling. When I got up I immediately went out to add the stupid bottle to the bin. It was gone. I can't remember if I put it in the bin the night before, or if he found it. It doesn't make it any better or worse really if he did or didn't find it. I just feel like he would be mad(der) if he saw it. He has been very normal over text, even teasing me about what he was sure was an excellent headache the next day. I even brought my regret and apologies up again and he lol'd and said all is well, don't worry. But I can't shake this horrible feeling. I'm sure it is equal parts my anxiety, guilt and shame.
I know that was all just rambling but it feels good to just get it out. Plus it will help me be motivated. I am hoping to turn this weekend into a week-long, then month-long dry spell. Since my original goal was to only drink on weekends, and then only moderately, I think it's a good challenge to not drink at all Friday or Saturday. Wish me luck, and don't be too disgusted with me :p I know I am.
