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14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11218

Talking to your mother and husband about this is great Diva!

What will be your next steps?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hi guys,

Well I hope the information I put on here can help someone!

Thanks for the replies everyone. This is become one big conversation!

And thanks Goofy for sharing more of your experiences with us!

As for: "Working in and alcohol/drug treatment center, I came to believe that a person is not responsible for what they did/do, under the influence but they are accountable. Do you agree? " I agree.

I find that in mine and Goofy's and Tofeliz' input there really are some strong commonalities. Ok, for sure there are some differences. But I find hearing everyone elses experiences with this and with dealing with the aftermath of this incredibly helpful.

It is hard for me to write to this day, even now, that I was a victim of abuse: emotional/verbal, financial and neglect. And to this day I have to deal with the sequelea of this. But I will. I think this thread and me admitting I suffered abuse was the first step for me to get over it. Now I can start figuring out what happened to me inside and how I can fix it. Now I can look for solutions! so thank you all for helping me with this incredibly importnat first step!

Btw, I started talking to my mom about this today. We got interrupted but it was a start! I knew she wouldn<t be mad or anything but I thought she might not agree with me or minimalize my experience. and she did neither. I really think she believed me and is ready to listen to me. Of course no actions will be taken. It is all in the past. I mean I will take action to do the cognitive work I need to feel better but I mean I won't start pointing fingers and neither will she....But it is nice to see there is someone who believes me. I also spoke to my husband and he matter of fact told me he always had realized I had been a victim of abuse. So he beleives and supports me too. so that is great!

Anyway, this is all I have to say for now. Thanks again for sharing here with me. It helped me a lot! I hope I can in turn help you too!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1044

I used to have alot of resentment toward my dad for the emotional abuse and for making me the scapegoat. Though never physically abuse, he was emotionally abusive when he got mad at anyone and I would be the object of his verbal assaults. I also resented my mother for "allowing" this to happen. There were other things that occurred that was a brick in the level of my resentment toward both of them. I also resented my brother and was jealous because he did not have to deal with this. He was like an ostrich with his head in the sand (which I've learned was/is his way of dealing with it).

I had to work through that resentment. It was a tough job. Not blaming I think was the hardest part for me. I also learned to set boundaries with my dad. He was an alcoholic until he died in November '08. Some of the boundaries were as simple as what time I would go visit him (after 6:00 p.m. he was drunk). I made sure to go earlier in the evening. When he spoke to me in an unacceptable manner, I ask him not to and if he continued, I left.

I, as a parent, made mistakes too. I don't blame them. I think we do the best we can at the time. My brother nor I are alcoholics. I think we are both literally afraid to drink for fear that we will too be an alcoholic. I also come from a long line of family members with alcoholism.

I know sometimes things come up like "you are not pretty when you cry" and I realize where it came from, why I have it, but now, through this program recognize it as a negative core belief.

I think working through resentment which is a complex emotion was very difficult. I am fortunate that I have never had the anger issues. I had to learn to accept them for who they were (and did so before they died).

I think we sometimes get caught up in the cause and effect and don't look for a solution to the problem (I know I did). I tend to overanalyze.

Working in and alcohol/drug treatment center, I came to believe that a person is not responsible for what they did/do, under the influence but they are accountable. Do you agree?

I have a hard time expressing my emotions and do a better job at expressing what I think. But I guess y'all figured that out already. I'm working on it though and getting better all the time.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11218

Great information Diva!

OK a lot has been written today. This is become a big discussion and that's great.

First of all I think it is important to highlight some of the information Diva has found. Everyone deals with the abuse differently and is affected by it differently. There is no right or wrong way of coping. Diva you are doing an excellent job at addressing your feelings. I think you are very brave for being so open about what happened and for facing these memories.

Tofeliz, I am very sorry for everything you have had to go through. You did not deserve that. You are a very strong person to be able to say that you have forgiven your father. It is amazing really. The fact that you were able to come to terms with what happened will only help you. To let go of the anger of what happened is important.

I find it interesting that Diva and Tofeliz, although had very different upbringings, have some key similarities. Both were treated differently then their siblings and both were the families scapegoat. Unfair treatment between siblings can cause major issues. Diva, it seems for you it may manifest in your emotions such as sadness. Whereas Tofeliz, your feelings seem to manifest in your emotions such as anger.

Diva, you are already off to a great start in examining your past and that's great. Tofeliz, you have mentioned you have forgiven your father and that is fantastic but have you ever talked openly about what has happened to you? Rehashing the past may not be the right choice for you but it is always important to talk. Never feel that talking makes you any less strong; if anything addressing your feelings is a very adaptive way of coping.

Tofeliz, you say you have problems with anger, other than joining this site how are you addressing you anger?

Both of you keep discussing your feelings.

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 14

I have come here and read posts a lot - - But today for whatever reason....I decided to join and post.....

I was abused when I was younger. My father was not an alcoholic he was simply was not raised well and had a bad temper. I was a hyper kid I would always accidently break things, I did not want to work on our farm but he always told me men need to work hard. If I ever made a mistake he would beat me horribly sometimes having to go to the hospital. The worst thing is not the abuse but that he single me out. Sometimes my older stronger brother would fight with me and beat me for no good reason and then I would get beat by my father for making my brother angry. There is a lot more to it then that but I think you get the idea.

I do not want to make people feel bad for me but I have to say I have major anger issues now. One time my father chocked me till unconcousness and when I awoke I was so angry I told him I would kill him. After that he stopped. This has taught me that I need to be agresive. I know this is unhealthy but I find it very hard to not act angry.

Although I know I have a lot to work on I am not mad at my father. In fact I am sad that it happened but I do not blame him/. He had a terrible upbringing and he did not know any better. Also, he is a good smart man. I have forgiven him. I beleive if I did not go through that I would not be the strong person I am today. Yes I have things I need to work on but that is ok. Many people are raised horribly and still succeed in life. I am going to be one of those people. I feel like feeling sorry for myself will not help at all. If anything it will make me dwell on it.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

I find this thread tough to deal with. I don't want to accuse anyone of anything. I don't want to dredge up old crap and make things bad. I keep being afraid somebody will stumble onto this site and recognize me. I am afraid my family will hear of this and just hate me and ostracize me (My mom and husband wuld stand my me, I know). I am afraid.

I am an adult child of an alcoholic, descendant of a long line of adult children of alcoholics. I was also victim of abuse as a child. I was victim of verbal/emotional abuse and in some ways of neglect and financial abuse. I don't know think of the people who hurt me as abusers. I don't think they wanted to abuse me in any way shape or form. I think they were sad, anxious, misguided clueless people who did their best in their own way. But the results are the same. Some of their behaviors were abusive and I suffered and am now dealing with the sequelae of this. They had issues to solves (i.e. control issues, anxiety issues, alcohol issues...) but it does not excuse in any way the way they made me feel. OH my, this is so hard, I feel like crying, like I am choking....I feel afraid.

I was made to feel insufficent, not good enough, to fat, too ugly, not graceful, like I could never do enough. I was made to feel like I was bad, like I was alone and helpless and small. I was screamed at, insulted. Sometimes it was more sublte but it always made me feel like I was somehow less. Then I was made to feel bad and ridiculized for feeling sad after being insulted... Most of the time it was so subtle. No screaming, nothing that looks or sound suspect and yet... it cut like a knife. and it was constant.

I won't go into details or examples. First I feel foolish and guilty just for writting this. Second, I am afraid to be recognized.

What if I am just making this up or faking or what if it is my fault, me who is just too sensitive?

The abuse was so subtle that even to this day, armed with the knowledge and tools I have, I still doubt I was abused. I still doubt and blame myself. I feel guilty for having problems at all, like I made it all up and it is my fault. But I feel I was in an abusive situation. That is my gut feeling. And I am dealing with this and what it did to me and my self-esteem and my core beliefs. and I will get over this like everything else. I am strong, I am a survivor. This too shall pass!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Goofy,

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me! You are so sweet and helpful. And I agree with you that being in the family of an alcoholic can lead to weird family dynamics without it being abused! So thanks for bringing that subtlety into my thinking! And thanks for the examples from your life.

My dad was a functionning alcoholic too btw! Thanks for bringing up the distinction. As for my family, it is hard to define as my parents got divorced when I was little so I have more then one! My family has been in a constant state of evolution if you consider all the marriages and the divorces lol!I am glad you felt your family was very loving and caring. That is very important. And yes, I agree with you that family dynamics play a role but our predispositions play a role too!

As for the book adult children of alcoholics, I really should read it. My mother is an adult child of an alcoholic. Her mother was an alcoholic. My dad is an adult child of an alcoholic. His father was alcoholic and I recently discovered his mom might have been an alcoholic and "pill taker". And now I am an adult child of an alcoholic.So thanks so much for the books. I will try and find them ASAP!

As for you not liking crying. It is weird how the mind works. And you are right, you are no less pretty one way or another.

And thank again, I did find your input helpful. And you are right, this process may help me find perspectives and figure things out for myself. I just thought I was done delving into my past and was at the step of dealing with the present. I guess I still have a bit of "past" work to do!

And yes, you made sense and hey let's talk in circles together!

Thanks again hun!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Ashley,

Well I am glad to give positive feedback where it is deserved

And thanks for caring. Yes the situation from when I was a child was not optimal. I am still struggling with the consequences of it all.

I don't know that I feel the need to label what I went through as neglect or abuse. What I do know is that I need to understand, make sense of things. I have spent my life denying having suffered abuse. I don't know it is a label I want in my life. But I need to make sense of it all.

As for me having resentment, yes I do. I was mistreated and made to feel little and helpless and insufficient and unworthy and just plain bad. I was made to feel I was one too many. It was all subtle , most of the time, but it was there.

As for looking further into it, I guess that this thread is about that for me. And yes, this is a reoccuring issue.

And yes, I know I am no longer alone. I have my husband and my mother. And my father who has been sober for a long time now, is much better. We have a much better relationship now. I also have siblings who love me. Plus, on one of my trips I realized I also have my extended family who loves me a lot. I am not alone. But in a way I am alone with the knowledge. I am alone with the feelings and the memories and the resentment. But I will deal with it.

And yes, I know the reasons why things were the way they were. And no it doesn't mnake it right. And I am ANGRY!

I did not deserve what I got or what I am dealing with now. And knowing why things were like that means I won'T make a mess of things and talk about it with anyone (that would not go over well...) but it excuses nothing!!!

I keep feeling guilty about feeling the way I feel. I feel crazy and as if nobody beleives me or will beleive me...

Thank you for encouraging me in my thinking. This process often makes me feel ashamedor foolish.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Ok so there you go. sorry for it being all in a funny order and cut into several posts, it is the best I could do! That is my evenings cut and paste work! As I said before, if this violates this forums rules in any way shape or form. Please feel free to erase it without contacting me, I get it! I hope this helps somebody though!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Sequelae

It is important to keep in mind that each individual will have a different response to abuse. Each person experiences abuse differently, and is able to cope with abuse in different ways depending on their circumstances. While one person may suffer greater consequences as a result of abuse than another, there should be no shame involved in how little or much impact is suffered.

People have little control over whether they are abused, and little control over how that abuse impacts them. What people do have control over is their choice to seek help, and to make the commitments necessary to help themselves recover.

While some abuse victims develop diagnosable mental health or medical disorders, the majority of abuse survivors will end up with less severe outcomes that might be best described as sub-clinical (e.g., not sufficient to meet criteria for a disorder) post-abuse issues. These issues may include:

· Difficulty developing or sustaining healthy, long-term intimate relationships

· Sexual dysfunction or discomfort with sexual intimacy

· Low self-esteem

· A tendency towards self-blame.

· Difficulty expressing anger appropriately; a tendency to have a bad temper

· A tendency to put everyone else's needs before your own

· Anxious, panicked, or depressed feelings

· Suicidal thoughts

· Disordered eating habits

· Problems with alcohol and/or illicit drugs

· Promiscuity

· Troubling memories about past abuse

· Moments of dissociation (where you mentally "space out" for a while)

· Difficulty trusting others

· Chronic pain in specific parts of your body

· Self-inflicted harm, such as cutting or burning yourself

· Involvement in a relationship as an adult with someone who abuses you

· Abusing your own children

Though such issues may not qualify for a formal diagnosis, they are still troubling and can make life quite miserable. It is very much worth working with a trained mental health therapist or other counsellor to help resolve such issues

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