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Can't beat the depression

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi. Diva,

Thank you for your kind words. They really made me feel better. I suppose I would have gotten through somehow and you're right the constant mixed signals were part of why I couldn't get things together. It was hard but now I'm glad.

I'm really hoping that all works out.

How are you and you're husband doing? From what I've been reading it sounds like things are going well. I read he came home to eat lunch with you today and it made me smile. It must have made you smile too. It's weird how we seem to think the most negative thoughts but they end up being so wrong. I know I've learned alot lately and I just hope I can remember it when I get into another downward spiral.

Thank you for being there for me Diva, I appreciate it tremendously.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Mom of 3,

I am just catching up on some posts. Sorry for the late reply!

First, I am happy for you that your husband came around. I am happy that you will try and work things out. As you said, there is stuff to work on. But if you love each other it is worth the hard work. I once was about to give up and you reminded me of that. At the moment, me and my hubby are having a good period and it feels good! I wish you the same!

I just wanted to say, don't underestimate yourself. Of course you had a downward spiral of depression that felt never ending and horrible. You were grieving a very important relationship. And on top of it you were getting mixed signals non-stop form the hubby! And on top of that you had work stress! It is normal that you felt the way you felt. But the important thing is you got through it. You were strong enough to get through it. So pat yourself on the back! Plus, had you had more time to pick yourself up I bet you would have realized you could do it! You did good, so celebrate. I remember me and my hubby separated for 9 months! The first six months were horrible... But I started coming around! I am sure you would have to! Anyway, just wanted to say, don't sell yourself short!

I hope to get news of you soon hun!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 1693

Mom of 3,

It sounds like you are already well on your way to learning from your experiences and from others. You have made huge progress, and have identified this yourself. That is something to be proud of, and hopefully you will be able to think about this when you are feeling like there is not a light at the end of the tunnel.

As you know, we're always here for you

Breanne, Bilingual Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Sarah,

I know I am very lucky to have my depressive mood lifted by the miracle I've been praying for. I really didn't think he would decide to work things out. It taught me that you can't be sure or something based on your observations and guesses. Yes things were bad, he blamed me for a while, and we were very close to calling it quits. But it's not turning out like that. Time and reflection have helped us both to see that we really do want to be together. I am so thankful to be having this incredible chance.

There's still alot of things to work out and I know it will take some time to work out the mess we've created over the years. I also know that my depression is still lurking and I have to deal with it. My depression made this UNBEARABLE! The downward spiral that is this thing had a grip on me and I could not seem to break it. This scares me because I really wanted to find a way to beat it. If things weren't working out where would I be? Would I have found a way to live without my husband? It does not seem that I was headed in that direction. I was in fact a sinking ship, I had lost hope.

Now I feel silly, everything I wrote just last week has been suddenly changed and perhaps I should have been able to find a little light at the end of the tunnel when I saw nothing. I have never been this bad and don't ever want to be again. I am taking medicine and going to counseling. I want to avoid having this bad of an experience again but I know that depression lurks.

I just hope that I can remember that even though something looks really bad to not give up hope. I also have to remember to reach out to others and be able to share more than I have in the past. I tend to keep things so inside and people can't really know me. Even my husband said that.

So I'm here, hoping to learn some things and hoping to continue to have a place to battle my depression

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Mom of 3, Thank you for keeping us updated. It really sounds like you have been making some great progress recently. The fact that you were able to stay calm when your husband sent you that text and rationalize the situation is a huge step in the right direction. Although there are still things to be worked out, having that hope and determination to make positive changes within your life is fundamental to your success. From this experience and your conversations with your husband, what will you take away from this? How can you apply what you have learned so far to other situations in your life? Please continue to post and let us know how things continue to go with your marriage and your own successes. We will be here for you whenever you need us. Sarah, Health Educator

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi everyone and thank you for taking the time to encourage me. I really felt like there was no hope. Sunday my son and I went to the movie and we had a really nice time. It helped to get out of the house and away from everything. I was still upset that I didn't know how I was really going to continue on and I still hurt but the time spent with my son meant alot to me.

My mom and sister also called and we talked about some of the things going on. They were very supportive and it was nice to finally say how much I was hurting.

Then on Tuesday I got a text from my husband asking me when I thought I'd get home from work. He said he wanted to talk to me. This worried me somewhat because I didn't know what I'd be hearing. I decided that it couldn't be worse than I had imagined so I was able to stay calm.

When we were able to talk alone he told me that he was ready to do whatever it took to work out our problems and that he loves me. I was truly shocked. We talked and have been talking since. He has agreed to go to counseling and I am hopeful that my therapist will return soon so that I can schedule us. We still have things to work on and work out. I am not blind to this fact but at least I have hope now. I think we've both done alot of thinking and soul searching during our time apart. I now understand where the mixed signals were coming from and that he was having trouble sorting out his issues.

What worries me most is my depression and how deep it had become. I still feel it there although not to the depths it was. I realize that I have much work to do and will continue working on it as much as working on our marriage. I do have to admit that knowing my husband wants to work out our problems has improved my outlook considerably. It does concern me that I was unable to rise above the thought of losing my husband. There's a part of me that feels failure over that. On the other hand I don't ever want to be faced with that again.

I guess what I've learned through this is not to give up hope. It would be a real accomplishment for me to keep this in the forefront of my thoughts. Thank you all for trying to get that through to me in your posts, it does help to have people to encourage you.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Mom of 3,

I agree with WildCat about things in your life being stressful and that it is normal that you feel the way you feel at the moment. Also, going to the movies is a great accomplishment for a Sunday! Plus, taking the time to post here is an accomplishment too, something you did for yourself.

I also agree that it would be important for you to get more support. Having a place to vent and a shoulder to cry on is important even if it is just a diary!

There seems to be periods in life where each moment of life takes energy and effort. I have had days where just keeping breathing from one hour to the next was my accomplishment for the day. And then, slowly it got better. Sometimes the spark to a better period was, for me, something as simple as enjoying my morning coffee for once and realizing I could still enjoy something! Just hang in there, it will come and as Ashley put it, we are here to help you find that light at the end of the tunnel!

I think WildCat has the gist of it. Just focus on little mini-goals and celebrate each success. One baby step at a time!

Anyway, I will stop repeating what WildCat had to say :) I just wanted to let you know that I am here for you and that you are in my thoughts!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

MO3,

I have done the exact things you are now doing for differnt reasons. Living an empty existance. Just pushing the shell around. And All That.

And you know the stituation is stagnant so of course you feel trapped. This nowhere no resolution to the problems with your marriage are STRESSFUL. Doing a job that has only a 1/4 of your heart and has you jumping at shadows is STRESSFUL. And the Fear of not having the emotional resourses to face tomorrow ... is extremely Stressful. So you are Normal!!!

Now, do you have support? someone outside the situation who says nothing and just listens - so that you can talk out all the nastiness - or can you use this forum? since you have trust issues? You need to hear/read outside what is going on inside... even a good journal will do you a world of good. Do you still have a therapist or a shoulder to cry on? or a good moment alone in the tub to release the physical effects of the stress?

You know that getting throught this a L-O-N-G term goal and not what you need to focus on now. Short term and mini-short term is more important. Mini-short term is one task. Short term is one...

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11216

Hi Mom of three,

Thank you for continueing to post. Just know you are not alone in this.

You say you are afriad to be alone. Many people have similar fears. But what exactly do you fear about being alone? What would be better or worse if you were "alone". Be specific in your answers.

What are the things you have tried to help yourself? Make a list, your list may help others but it will also help us to understand exactly what you are going through.

Please post often. There is a light at the end of this tunnel....we just have to find it together.

Keep staying strong.

Ashley

p.s. Seeing a movie on a Sunday seems to me like more then enough of accomplishment! Don't forget you also posted on here also.

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi everyone and thank you again for your suggestions.

Wildcat you are right I do want to have my marriage back, not exactly as it was but certainly not like it is. I would like that magic wand Diva but realize that life doesn't work that way.

I do realize that I need to do something for myself but don't know what that could be. I am afraid - of being alone. I am afraid I can't handle it. I can barely get up in the morning much less keeping track of everything. I feel like my life is over and there's only pain left. This has gone on for so long that I can hardly stand it anymore.

I don't trust anyone and so there is no real outlet for my feelings and fears. When people ask I just say I'm ok when really I am not. Nothing works to make me feel better even when I try. It is all hard and not worth the effort. I'd say if it wasn't for my son I don't know what I'd do. I want to live but I don't want to go on as I have been. I am not making any headway but everyone keeps telling me I'll get through this. I don't know how that will happen since it's been a year now and I'm worse now than ever. I guess it's time to just give up on the hope that we'll work things out.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I am so hurt and see no future that is without the pain that I've lived with for this past year.

How does person find something that creates that spark they need to get them out of the downward spiral? I've tried so many things and just when I think something is working I crash again.

Today I am just trying to motivate enough to take my son to a movie he wants to see. I would rather not go but it is important to him. I feel bad because I am just a shell of a person and he has to put up with it. How do I get out of this???

I'm going to go now and get ready for the movie. It may be the only thing I accomplish today but it will be something.

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Can't beat the depression