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15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Ok so where am I right now...

Well first, sorry to disappear again. I fell off the face of the world again. After that high I crashed pretty hard. But in a way, it helped me put some things in perspective and figure some things out for myself so it wasn't all bad. I also have trouble sticking to anything lately.

Well, I have been obsessing about organizing, purging and cleaning my house. I have little energy to do it though so it is painfully slow going...I work in little pathetic spurts if I work at all... Hubby helps though when he has time and energy for it after work. When he is helping things get going though! The master bedroom is 99% done! When I am not cleaning or organizing it is hard for me to rest and relax and not feel guilty or obsess about what I should be doing. I guess I just really need my house organized and functional for me. My house has always been a mess and so my life is messy. I need some peace of mind and some functionality to my life! So hubby is humoring me and helping out. My mom and him say I am nesting lol. In a way I guess I am. I am making myself a home of my own for the very first time in my life. Before I always left it up to chance or others... So hubby let me spend a ton of money we don't actually have on new furniture! And it is so pretty too and functional with lots of storage! He didn't get mad or anything. He even said we can repaint and he will let me pick all the colors I want, however I want it! And next year we might have new flooring put in. In the meantime he said he will shampoo our carpets! I can't wait for this house to be done! Bags of things have already left the house, whole bags! And more will be going! The paperwork is what I am dreading most. But once it is done, ah the freedom. So that is one of the things I have been up to.

Also my cat has been sick. And let me tell you he is not easy to care for. Giving him his pills is a nightmare, I am covered in scratches! But he is better now and back to being sweet so all is well. The several hundred dollars in vet fees were harsh though!

I have also been dealing with biological clock issues. I have always thought I do not want children and would not have any and my hubby was perfectly happy with that as he is not sure he wants some either. I always felt I am too neurotic and messed up to have a kid. I am just afraid I would make him as screwed up as me! Plus kids terrify me. I am always afraid to break them or mess them up. That and the fact they feel like weird little aliens I don't quite get... Half the time I don't even understand what they say if they are like 6 years old and under... SO, I always figured that Diva as a mom was just a BAD idea...!!! BUT, lately it seems my ovaries have been sending my brain crank calls...I am hormonal and teary and baby oriented... and completely terrified. I have lost my mind! I don'T even want kids so why do I want kids?

Plus, I am on tons of meds which I am stating to think I should not get off of. So isn't it irresponsible to even consider pregnancy? On top of it, I AM being irresponsible. I am not on contraceptives and my hubby seems to be in a "risk-taking" mood... Wow, I feel like I am losing my mind and don't know what to do about all this. On top of it I am starting a doctorates in September what am I thinking? I have been acting nuts over this and going back and forth and crying and wow, I feel like a mess! I am feeling even more neurotic then usual!

On top of it, I have been dealing with issues of another sensitive nature. I am not even sure I dare discuss it here as I am afraid of being judged... I have been dealing with issues of sexual identity, not to be confused with issues of gender identity. I am female and happy to female and intend to stay female. Not that tr

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Rose!

Long time! Glad to see you, how are you? Aww thanks for the compliments and right back at you :) Thanks for stopping in and replying :) Why don't you write that book? I bet it would be great! I know abject fear and low self-esteem and anxiety is not helping me with the book thing. But I am slowly but surely working on it.And yes, me and the hubby are doing better. It is far from perfect but it is so much better! He has been great and caring lately. Some fights but nothing to nuclear lol. So yeah, one less issue to deal with! Hope to get news from you!

Hey WildCat,

No need to apologize! I still appreciate "les pistes de recherches"! How are you btw?

Hey Sarah,

Yeah, starting my own book is overwhelming lol! I am even having trouble setting my ideas down. But I will and eventually I will write it out! I think low self-esteem comes into play here as I keep thinking I am not good enough or worthy of this dream. And that gives me complete writers block... But I am working on it. The thing is I can write papers no problem. Once wrote a whole paper for school in one day and got an A+ for it too! I wrote a paper with my boss and it is getting published. When it comes to the intellectual stuff, the nerdy stuff I feel competent and well-equipped to deal with things (well most of the time anyway lol). But when it comes to artistic endeavors I am not very self-assured. But I have this need inside me. This very deep-seeded need to express myself creatively and to be heard. I have so many stories and characters and worlds in my head. They follow me everywhere I go! I have had this since I can remember as a child! I love telling stories! It is like a second life a world in my head. I have old friends and I care about them. And yes, I do realize it is my imagination not reality lol. But to me, it is so important. So writing this book is very personal and frightening to me. And yet, I really feel I want to and need to. I am scared though and feel unworthy. But I dream of this and will make it happen!

As for my sleep patterns, well they have been screwed up since childhood! My mom used to put me to bed early and by the time she went to bed after the 10-11 o'clock news I was still awake, I was 6... My mom always said I was an "oiseau de nuit" night owl I guess is the translation. I've always had trouble with sleep. I either sleep too much or not enough, fall asleep when I want to be alert or have insomnia when I want to sleep, sleep too deeply or too lightly...

I have a bad sleeping routine and I know it. I don'T really have a steady sleeping place. Sometimes I sleep in the master bedroom (when hubby doesn't snore...), sometimes I sleep on the couch (I feel safer there for some odd reason) and sometimes in the guest bedroom. It depends where I feel comfortable safe and where there is less noise. Although sometimes music helps me sleep. It is like it helps me not think so much. I try to not intake too much caffeine and I try to not intake caffeine after 6 (sometime sI cheat though ...). I just am not sure what to do about all this. I once spent 4 days with no sleep! I have been like this since I can remember! But I will figure it out lol. I do want to bring myself back to a sleep cycle that is less unusual. I am aiming for sleeping somewhere between 11 and 11. I still sleep up to 12 hours some day but others only 8 so between 11-11 sounds reasonable to me. What do you think?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 201

hi diva, stop that you sound like me what with all the fat and stupid stuff.......stop beating yourself up! you're such a good and caring person, it's true! that's been my dream, too, to write a book. i've sure read enough of them and thought when i was finished, i couldv'e done better

from the sound of things you and hubby are doing ok...i'm glad for you. that's one big issue you don't have to deal with......

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

hi diva,

I have read somewhere ... that by RESETTING the body's clock (the car*?%$?? clock or whatever they call it

)...

From what I understood ... the doctors exposed depressed people to light and kept them awake for unreasonable hours -like military training with 4 hours of rest and 4 hours sleep-

I was more or less interested in the study... sorry diva. I did not read the study specifics. I could try to find then on the weekend....

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 955

Diva,

Although the idea of starting your own book can seem a bit overwhelming, you are taking the right steps to start it all off! Writing down your thoughts and ideas for your book can be a really beneficial way to reflect on your own progress and future. You can do this Diva, just stick to it!

Sleeping patterns can really take a toll on your well-being. Was there a change in your daily routine that has made it difficult to sleep at typical hours? Has anything else changed in your life that could affect your sleep? Start to think about your sleeping patterns now and what stops you from sleeping typical hours at night. Do you find it harder to fall asleep? Harder to wake up in the morning? If you have the tendency to complete other activities in your bedroom (such as book-keeping or exercise), this could affect your difficulties falling asleep at night.

Members, what other advice can you offer Diva on sleeping patterns? What have you found helpful for you?

Sarah, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Wildcat,

Thanks for the info. I did not remember that fact about bipo and add etc. That explains a lot for me. Thanks so much for the information! And yes, poor kids that have to deal with that all the time. I can't imagine...Phew.

As for the sugar Daemon, The Carb Witch and the Caffeine Junkie, I have been trying to visit them less often but I am having trouble staying away for good lol! But yeah, I hear what you are saying about them!

Hi Faryal,

Yes, love around me is a beautiful thing. Thanks for the compliments

. Sometimes it does feel like a miracle to have that kind of love in my life! I guess love is always a miracle!

As for living my dreams I am trying. I just find myself feeling blocked as I am riddled with self-doubt and self-defeating thoughts. I had started writing down ideas for my book in a journal but I stopped. I can't seem to get back to it as a nasty little voice in my head tells me it is pointless and silly and stupid and who am I to think I can write a book!

Same thing is happening for the piano thing...

Hey guys,

Since I crashed I have been having another issue. I mean besides the exhaustion, sadness, etc. My sleep patterns are completely upside down from the world now! I got to bed in the morning and wake up in the evening! I am not sure how to get back on track! Any suggestions?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 823

Diva,

Despite the overwhelming feelings and exhaustion, you have managed to find the silver lining and having love around you is a beautiful thing!

It is not a miracle that the people in your life love you.............you have a lot to offer and are a very caring and genuine person.

Don't sell yourself short and live your dreams because that is what keeps you motivated.

Hope the rest of the week is more uplifting for you.

Faryal, Health Educator

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 456

Diva,

I do not know if you came across this little bit of info in you studies but ADD, ADHD, Bipolarity, and the other disorders in this spectrum...

when we have an "episode" the motor skills are shot for a while. So it is entirely normal to be exhausted with normal efforts of walking, writing and typing .... and the herculean task of learing to play piano! POOR ADD and ADHD kids who have to live continuously with the problem ... like my son who at 11 yr still cannot tie a shoe lace (it only took 2.5 years to lear to ride a 2 wheel bike).

You are going to have to stay away from the Sugar Daemon, the Carb Witch, and the Caffine Junkie. THese three will push you further into those bad thought habits.

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey guys,

Well, I crashed. I have been sleeping a lot! I guess I needed it. Today I slept all day. Then I went shopping with my hubby for shoes for him. Ended up getting a much needed vacuum.

I feel fat and lazy and lame. I feel tired to no end. I can't stop eating! I cry at nothing. I have gained 15 pounds recently and I don't fit in most of my clothes. I can't seem to sleep at night and can't get up all day.

I still want to write a book but I feel scared and stupid about it like I am reaching for a dream that is out of reach for someone like me.

I am still learning to play the piano but feel frustrated stumbling about songs like "This Old Man". But hey, it is a learning process, right?

I also realize that with all the mental health issues I have had, the people who can actually be called close to me can be counted on my fingers easily. I do not have a lot of people in my life.

All my paperwork and administration is in disarray. It is a mess!

My house is a mess. Well, that is not true, it is beyond messy! And I am too tired to clean it!

Basically I am depressed and feeling overwhelmed... So what's new?

The funny thing is, that despite all this, I feel hopeful. I realize that there are some very good things and some very good people in my life. I feel grateful for that. I realize that the people in my life may not be many but they are wonderful. I love them. And the miracle is they love me. I am deeply loved! How about that?

15 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Wildcat,

That is very good advice!

Hey guys,

After slightly over four days of great moods and happy days and fun activities, I seem to have come down hard enough. So yeah, party is over for now. Let's just say the landing was not as soft as I wanted it to be.

Since yesterday I have been tired and cranky and sad. I cry at nothing and sleep non-stop. And the minute I am awake I want to stuff my face with all sort of junk... I had a fight with hubby. It is settled now. I feel like I weigh a ton and my bones are rubber and I am heavy and tired and lack energy. I just want to lie down and sleep or cry...

I feel lame and stupid. And now I feel ashamed for all my delusions of grandeur. What made me think I could learn piano at my age? And what made me think I could write a book?

I mean who would be interested in any ideas that come for me? Who would be interested in what I have to say...

I feel so lame and stupid and fat! Man, I don't feel good since last night.

I know this will pass. It will get better. And I will get back on the program and challenge my thoughts and feel better. This too shall pass. In the meantime though I feel so sad and bad, argh!

Reading this thread:

Evolution Health is not a healthcare provider and does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you are currently thinking about or planning to harm yourself or someone else please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.

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