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Exploring thoughts on family relationships

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 3043

Hi Diva,

I just read your latest post and I think all your reflection on this has paid off. Bravo for being upfront with your Dad about these issues. It should serve to strengthen your relationship. It will make it easier for both of you since these things are in the open.

It is your Stepmom's loss that she is unable to open her heart to you. It sounds like you are coming to terms with that which you cannot change. I'm glad you recognize that it's her problem, not yours. It is entirely fair that you move from a child's wish to please and be loved by her to an adult tolerance of her as your Father's wife. She has only earned that.

I'm glad to hear that you and your Stepsiblings have a good relationship and don't share their mother's problem. I hope you all are able to keep in touch.

I hope you feel peace with where you are with this, you've done a lot of work to get here.

Keep hanging in there!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Ashley,

Thanks for the reply and helping me explore all this.

The talk with my dad went well. I told him I felt like his wife did not love me and wished I did not exist. I told him I felt like I was in the way of her perfect life with him. For once he did not deny it. It is nice to finally not feel like I am a lunatic for feeling that way. I also told him I felt like he had abandoned me for her, that he had chosen her over me and that I wish he had defended me more. I told him I wish I had more time with him. He said he regretted that I felt hurt and he felt he was privileged that I still want more time with him.

So the talk went well and for once I wasn't denied my feelings or my reality.

And yes, you are right, I do not have control over others and how they react. The only power I have is over myself.

As for how I feel about these relationships:

With my dad I feel there is still more I can do. I feel like we can connect more and that we can taslk honestly and that our relationship can still grow.

With my step-siblings, I think if I deal with my own issues, our relationship is already very good. I don't see them often but they are lovely and wonderful and loving, so besides more time with them, all is well except for my own issues! I might even send them an e-mail and ask them to go out for coffee!

Finally, my step-mom. As I said, my stepmom is not a monster or a lunatic. she is a human being and is flawed but she has her strong points like anyone else. But her and me have a very difficult history. My relationship with her has been mostly toxic for me. It has done much harm ion my life. I am done trying to connect with her. I am done trying to have her love me. I will continue being nice and polite with her but I will be guarded with her as I am still very much scared of her and the effect she can have on me when the claws come out. I wish it could have been different. I wish she could have loved me. I was so ready to love her. But I do not think she does. Who knows, maybe in her own way she does. I guess I won't ever know. But our relationship is filled with too much drama and I can't deal with that anymore.

So that is where I am at with all this.

Anymore insights?

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Furgitit,

Well, I am working things out for myself about my family and working things out with those I can.

As for confronting your mom and dad, you will do it if and when you are ready to.

Glad to hear people realized your stepmom was a lunatic. Must be nice that people know the truth. Isn't it hard when you do love someone and they don't reciprocate?

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me!

My stepmom is NOT a lunatic thankfully! But me and her have had a tough history. She wishes I did not exist, I got that feeling early on anyway. But I loved her, I wanted her to love me back. But that is in the past. Now all I can do is accept how things are and move on. She is very good to my dad so I am thankful to her for that.

Once again thanks for sharing with me : )

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 271

Hi Diva,

It's good to hear that you are working things out with your family. I just don't think I am ready to confront my mom with my issues or my dad either. My mom is very Judgmental and bossy (that's where I get bossy from) and my dad would be hurt by what I have been told, he has gone through enough over the past 5 years to have to deal with this. Anyway it is my mother's responsibility to let me know who my bio father is and not my dad's (unless the man is mega rich then tell right now).

I also get the step relationship, thankfully I don't have to deal with it anymore since everyone finally realized I wasn't the lunatic but SHE was, and that I was perfectly justified in my dislike at the beginning. I never did anything aside from being the nicest person I could be, but she rubbed me the wrong way for 20+ years and pulled the wool over everyone's eyes till finally she was caught and confronted with the affairs, drugs and booze. I did love her and now it is hard to reconcile that she could have ever fooled everyone.

I know messed up, but then without our experiences we wouldn't be able to move forward with our lives.

Take care and have a great weekend.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11212

Hey Diva,

Sorry I think I missed a few of your last posts. That is great you had a talk with your dad! What happened? How did it go?

Good reflection on your questions. Its good to keep in mind that you do not have control over how they act or treat you but you do have 100% control over how you react and how you try to resolve situations. Keep that in mind and try to think of more ways of further reaching out to them.

As I am reading over your posts its seems to me that you feel more resolved when it comes to these relationships. Is this the case? Or do you just feel that there is nothing you can do?

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

With my dad I can be more open and honest and direct in communicating to him what I want and need from that relationship. I think he is ready to welcome that.

With my step siblings, I think if I resolve my personal issues all will be well because they are so super and nice.

With my step-mom, things are what they are. I think we have come to the best we are gonna get. We are both civil and nice to each other when we see each other. She is trying, I am trying. there is just a lot of history there.

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

I spoke to my dad tonight while we went to supper. I think it helped me settle some things in my head. I will still think on the question at hand though : ).

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

Hey Ashley!

Thanks for the reply! And thank you so much for helping me with these explorations. I will think and reflect on your questions and come back to you! Thanks again!

So...what are the steps I can take to get what you want out of the relationships?

Be back when I begin having answers! Thanks!

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 11212

Great work Diva!

You have come to very important realizations. You are right you cannot change the past but you can come to terms with it. You may not be able to change your relationships but you can try and if that doesn't work you can resolve the feelings you do have.

In the section what you want to gain from the relationships...what are the steps YOU can take to get what you want out of the relationships? This is a tough one.

Great work so far! Very impressive

Ashley, Health Educator

Here to help :)

14 years ago 0 +0 / -0 910

The thing is the only thing I can do here is figure out how to deal with this because none of this will change. I can't change the past. and I don't think any of these relationships will change in the future. So all I can do is find survival methods to deal with it all.

I think this will always be a sore spot with me.

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Exploring thoughts on family relationships