I agree that our individual social foibles make us more courageous over the long run. It's great that you've acquired such a perspective with respect to embarrassing moments.
You are also right that life goes on...speaking of which, what will you be doing this weekend to celebrate the fact that you faced your fear (by going to the park)?
so on Tuesday, I had another session with my therapist and we did exposure work to go to the park. I was nervous to do it, but I did! I don't remember the last time I was in a stranger's car that my support person was not driving. And my therapist's car is really small and I even felt claustophobic. it was even like a turbo engine that zoooooms the vehicle!! I was freaked out. But we got to the park, which is only a minute away and I started fidgiting and I was only able to stay for about 10 mins. My anxiety was so bad.. about a 9 on a scale from 1-10. I kept playing with my hair, taking my sweater off and on, shaking, trying to get myself comfortable, and the whole time I thought, "man, i must look like a freak!!" After we FINALLY got home... I felt so disappointed and embarrassed about myself. I cried my head off and wondered if it's all worth it. Do i even have what it takes to get better?? Do i subconciously not want to get better? But after I cried and cried, I remembered the last time I was embarrassed about myself. And I remembered how I survived that episode and after time has passed, it wasn't so bad. So i had faith that there will be a day when I can look back on this day and see it as another day. So the day after, still a bit miserable, I went for a walk by myself and I started worrying about what other people think about me. I worried if I looked like a freak again.... but I realized that who ever thinks I'm a freak is the freak. I also told myself that even if feeling embarrassed is the worst feeling in the world, by experiencing this in bits, I am learning to get used to it and learning that it's not going to kill me but rather make me stronger. I remembered all my friends who've had embarrassing moments (one blew a bubble with her snot accidentally in front of the whole class, another stutters majorly) and remembered that I never judged them to be freaks just because of their moments but rather courageous. Perhaps freakishness is like beauty and is in the eye of the beholder. It's all in the mind and thoughts are not reality (my therapist says). So, fortunately and unfortunately, nothing lasts forever. I may be on a roll for weeks and suddenly get set back again to start all over again. I may be in a set back for weeks and suddenly can get back on my feet again. My therapist said that it doesnt' have to always make sense like that either. So I've put that experience into my 'embarrassing moments' file and see how much I can add to it.. it's easier for me now if I think I'm winning them as a 'gift' instead of thinking that it's the end of the world (even if it seriously feels like it). I also sent the last apology I have to make for someone and they have not replied. I feel disappointed but again, that is life... and it will go on.
Davit, Museluver, Vincenza, & Red, thanks so much!!!
I felt wonderful after it happened because I was VERY certain that I wasn't going to make it. I was SURE that I will go back home.. but in the end I did it.. and it's fine that it doesn't make sense like that. It's changed my ideas by making me realize again at how I've been such a perfectionist and control freak on how to make the outcome come. But in the end, things will happen beyond my control and they may be good things.
I have more progress to update. I've let a friend back in my life. I was even able to tell this person I have agoraphobia and we have even talked about it and it all just went very smoothly. I've been terrified of letting people know in the past but I've accomplished another one of my big fears. And this person was really cool about it. I'm actually thinking about calling up one of my friends who I've cut out in my past because of my anger. I've realized that perhaps my anger has blinded me and I was not fair at that time.
I feel like I'm growing and progressing so much. I told my therapist how much I hate being nervous and she told me about a mentor who she looks up to, who told her how much he gets nervous every time he does his presentations. Every time. She said that you get nervous because you want to do a good job and you care about what you do. She said everyone gets nervous!
Congratulations Anerol thats a big achievement, I hope you are proud of yourself, I think the actual build up to the exposure work is worse than the work itself, and you did it on a rainy miserable day, imagine how much nicer the experience would have been if the sun had been shining & the birds singing. Keep up the amazing work, baby steps will eventually lead to huge leaps.
I debated if I should write this under my therapist thread but since it's a success story, I decided to make a new thread.
At my last session with my therapist, with the help of my therapist, I made a promise to myself to make it to the grocery market with my support person this week. We talked about how difficult it is for me to make promises after being in this condition.. and after I've failed in my marriage, but my therapist reminded me that those reasons shouldn't stop me from making promises. She stated that promise (or setting a goal) can be a motivator and help me figure out how I'll get to that goal/promise. I told her I don't want to be responsible for breaking a promise, especially when I can't see myself accomplishing it. She reminded me that disappointments are inevitable sometimes and sure I may get disappointed; which is all part of the process. So I finally made a promise and we decided the date and time when I'll do the exposure so she can walk me through it over the phone with me. Today was the appointment and I got to the grocery market!! It was even raining and I had a bad morning but I did it. My therapist helped me be distracted and keep my focus on her rather than the anxiety. I really like my therapist. I'm so glad I called her.
It’s been a while since you were active on this site. Please extend your session below
You have been logged out due to inactivity.
Please sign back in.
We use cookies to help us learn about how our platform is used and how we can improve your experience. To
learn more please see our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use.
