Kama
You don't want to live in the past but nor do you want to fear it. Because both of these keep it alive and affecting your life. The thing to aim for is using the past to protect the future. If you don't use memory to prevent the same mistakes then you will make them again and again because all you will have is core beliefs to dictate your decisions, and if they are negative or wrong then you will make mistakes. Healthy mental growth calls for knowing right from wrong and you can only know this by visiting the past to know what was wrong and not doing it again. This decision will then recycle back to memory superseding the memory you don't want and making it less accessible and less harmful. It will also make the new thought more likely to be used next time a decision needs to be made. And this too will recycle back to memory and in time get rid of the old destructive thoughts. Time is the factor here, Time and repetition make it happen.
This is CBT, this is changing thought patterns, this is changing negative to positive, and it works.
You don't have to actually replay the trauma. The mind works at incredible speed, it can use the thought that there was trauma without actually replaying it. It can use the knowledge that it happened and the knowledge that it is wrong to make the right decision that is going to affect the future. People can read the expression on your face but they can't read what caused it. The trauma is yours alone if you want it so.
When and if you talk to a therapist about the past what they are looking for is core beliefs it has built. You can do this yourself but it is easier for someone outside to spot than yourself. They can also if they are any good nudge you in the right direction so you change the unwanted ones. You have to change them, they can't, they can only tell you how.
Davit.
Ps. There is hope, there is always hope. People like me are proof that there is more than hope. There is happiness also.
