Loss
Hi J... welcome to the DC forums.
I've been hanging out for a while working through the lessons but not posting anything ... until now. Your story touches my heart. Probably because some of it feels so familiar to me. I totally agree with what Ashley said. There is no "right way" to grieve.
I lost my step-son 4 years ago and people tell me I shouldn't feel so much pain over it still. My father passed this summer and people tell me I should be feeling/expressing more grief. I've given up on family validating my feelings. But do feel it is extremely helpful to have someone, somewhere who does allow you to grieve as you need and not how society proscribes.
My hope, for both of us, is that this will prove to be one of the places where we can honestly share where we are in our grief process (as well as the depression) and not be judged for it one way or the other.
Finally, I just want to say that what you have been dealing with this year is huge... really, truly huge. At times like these (to offer a crude analogy from a horse person) it has been my saving grace to just hunker down and wait for the sh*t to stop falling before I try digging out. It saves all my energy for the basics, like breathing and surviving and ignoring what other people want or expect from me. If they truly want to help me... they can bring a shovel and start lightening the load by digging and not by adding more! Most, especially family, don't want to get themselves dirty in that way which is sad, but also can be good when they finally just leave me be.
Anyway... that's kind of where I am and why your story resonates with me. Welcome & thank you for being willing to share your story with us here at the Depression Center. I think we have come to the right place.
She uses me anyway because I offer my services dirt cheap and when I'm healthy.... I'm really, really good. I provide daycare for my working daughter and in this I am very fortunate. 
