CBT Day- Part III- Problematic Communication Patterns
Welcome to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Day (CBT) on the forums!
Two days a week will now be known as CBT day.
This month we have discussed anger & communication skills. This week we will explore specific problematic communication patterns...
Blaming Blaming is what happens when you try hard to convince yourself and the other person that the problem is the other person’s fault. Unless you’re trapped in an abusive relationship, start with the assumption that you’re 50% responsible for the problem and the other person is 50% responsible.
Self-Blame Sometimes, when people have a problem in a relationship they often believe that the problem is entirely their fault. Instead of trying to solve the problem in the relationship they spend a lot of time thinking about what a terrible, miserable and rotten person they are. As you might guess, instead of getting the problem solved, such thinking can lead to sadness.
Another possibility is to use the Responsibility Pie technique.
The technique is pretty simple. First, write down a list of all the factors that are responsible for creating the situation that makes you feel ashamed or guilty, including you. Next, record how much responsibility you want to give to each factor as a percentage out of the total of 100%. Next, draw a circle on a piece of paper. Finally start assigning each factor that is responsible for the situation a slice of the Responsibility Pie. The best way to do this is to make the size of each slice proportional to the responsibility that you assign to that factor. For example, if you assign yourself 50% responsibility, then give yourself half of the Responsibility Pie.
Denying Your Needs People who communicate with a very passive style often deny their own feelings and needs. They feel sad, angry, or hurt but they deny their feelings and needs, even when asked directly. As a result, they get frustrated and angry because they feel unheard and disrespected. Other people get frustrated and angry because they have to guess what the passive person is feeling and needing. The answer to this problem is to adopt a more assertive communication style. More about that a little bit later…
Yes Butting People who communicate in a passive or passive-aggressive way can do a lot of “yes butting.” In response to any suggestion from the other person for how to solve a problem or make a decision they say “yes, but…” Usually people who “yes but” don’t come up with any solutions of their own, they just reject all of the solutions of the other person. If you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone who is a “yes, butter” you know how frustrating it can be. No matter what you try to suggest, it isn’t quite good enough. So, what happens? That’s right, eventually you respond to the constant rejection by giving up and withdrawing. The solution to “yes, butting” is to recognize the symptoms, inhibit the impulse to criticize, assert what you really need and want, and be prepared to compromise.
Timing Timing IS everything. Sometimes we assert our needs and wants at the wrong time. As a result, we don’t get what we need or want. We get an argument. The secret to timing is to get better at taking the other person’s perspective and understanding what they need and want. More about this a bit later…
This week we challenge you to keep count. How many times have you fallen into these problematic communication patterns? Who was there? What happened? Where did it happen? And why did it happen?
Don’t forget to share your results here and to tune in later.
