Where do I start.
I waited and waited until I made it to the BEACH. I had a party to celebrate my arriving, but then it hit....depression. SO WHAT.
I was tired of fighting the still almost constant thoughts. Craves...not really...until today.
As you may know, my husband did not quit with me, and I had to battle with that issue, which I thought I did. But throughout the week while I was wallowing in my depressive thoughts, I was becomming more and more saddened and confused about my unfulfilling marriage and just how quitting smoking was going to make it better. Yeah thats one part of it, and I was happier, but I am tired of fighting. I kept telling myself to hold on, that it would get better, but when. I know, I know Tuesday. Anyway, I know I'm rambling and not making much sense, as seems to be my tone this week.
I started having craves this morning. Tried and tried to fight back, but said to hell with it. I'm smoking for today and I am smoking for spite, and I don't know if I want to stay quit. I went through all the reasons and all the Junkie talk back. It's a choice!!! Right.
I'm just choosing not to be happy right now....my old way of handling things.
It's a choice!!! You bet it is....either way.
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 12/8/2005
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 107
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 2,692
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1230.5
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 10 [B]Hrs:[/B] 11 [B]Mins:[/B] 27 [B]Seconds:[/B] 27
No smoking for me this spring like weekend in Winnipeg. No camping for me till May though. Enjoy.
It's a choice!
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 12/8/2005
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 106
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 2,665
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1219
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 10 [B]Hrs:[/B] 8 [B]Mins:[/B] 56 [B]Seconds:[/B] 40
Hi Ronko
You can do this!!! Take some deep breaths for one whole minute.
You have gone 12 days. That's fantastic. You are not going to let this Nicodemon win. Whatever the reason for you difficulties today, Smoking is not going to help....it will just make it worse.
You can work your way through this. It is worth it...being FREE. Just one minute at a time. Do something nice for yourself today, even if it means hiding out. He will not win as long as you do not smoke.
Do what you have to do to see the glory of what is on the other side.
FREEDOM.
and remember
It's a choice!
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 12/8/2005
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 106
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 2,660
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1219
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 10 [B]Hrs:[/B] 8 [B]Mins:[/B] 32 [B]Seconds:[/B] 45
Hi Ronko
I replied to your other post in the other forum, but here is a repeat.
You can do this!!! Take some deep breaths for one whole minute.
You have gone 12 days. That's fantastic. You are not going to let this Nicodemon win. Whatever the reason for you difficulties today, Smoking is not going to help....it will just make it worse.
You can work your way through this. It is worth it...being FREE. Just one minute at a time. Do something nice for yourself today, even if it means hiding out. He will not win as long as you do not smoke.
Do what you have to do to see the glory of what is on the other side.
FREEDOM.
and remember
It's a choice!
[B]My Milage:[/B]
[B]My Quit Date: [/B] 12/8/2005
[B]Smoke-Free Days:[/B] 106
[B]Cigarettes Not Smoked:[/B] 2,660
[B]Amount Saved:[/B] $1219
[B]Life Gained:[/B]
[B]Days:[/B] 10 [B]Hrs:[/B] 8 [B]Mins:[/B] 33 [B]Seconds:[/B] 54
Over the weekend, I let my addictive thinking get the best of me and after 107 smoke-free days, I went back to smoking. I made that choice, however stupid it was, and now I am choosing to return to my quit.
I am not sure how many I smoked over the last 3 days, but I will tell you that I had to force myself to smoke just about everyone of them. It was awful...the smell, the taste, the nausea (that got so bad I nearly vomitted), the unrelenting headache, and yes the guilt.
And just about every minute of the day I said, I want to quit, but it wasn't until today that I am able to say that I want to quit more than I want to smoke. Nicotine started to make me feel bad physically very quickly and that is one thing I refuse to give up is how great I was feeling before I chose to smoke that first one.
So I have reset my meter and I will start at Day 1 tomorrow - cold turkey. I haven't lost those 107 days. That is what allows me to believe that quitting is doable, because I did it. I also know that the SSC is another reason why I had been successful and I will likely be using it more than before. I will do more ranting and raving, especially when the blues hit.
Thanks to everyone for their support.
Penguin
Hi Riverdale
Sounds like the Junkie thinking is working overtime in you head. Slow down and Breathe.
I started smoking when I was a teenager, and what I have learned through quitting is how to Grow Up. I never really learned proper coping skills, I just smoked. That's how I coped. We don't grow up over night.
Yes, quitting does take a lot of effort, but I said from the beginning that I was going to do whatever it is I had to do, to be successful...even if I had to think about it constantly for a year, that's what I will do.
Throughout this journey, I have brought up a lot of my "failures" and poor choices. I allowed myself to review and then said, "That is in the past. I can not changed it. I accept that I made a poor choice. I will move on now and not make that choice next time." This has really helped by not allowing the Junkie to get ahold of those excuses and use them against me.
You are doing so well. This is a difficult time. The 30 day pit. You will get throught it. Keep posting.
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