I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and Anxiety due to traumatic events. In the last 6 months I have lost 2 grandparents and an Aunt. My Aunt and I were close and I was extremely close with my Gramma. She was like a mother figure to me. My Grampa passed away in June, my Aunt 5 days later and my Gramma at Christmas. I have always been the person that everyone else comes and talks to as a support system. I am always very strong and try to find the positive in things. I let my emotions out for the most part, then keep moving but for some reason this has taken its toll on me. I can't sleep, I cry uncontrollably, I have no desire to do anything, I don't want to be around anyone..I just want to be left alone to hibernate basically and I have had a couple anxiety attacks. I know I need to talk about it and I am open to talking but I just don't really know how. As I have mentioned I was always the one helping never the reverse. When my dad passed away years ago I felt the same way and turned to partying and alcohol to numb everything and I don't think I have truly dealt with that to this day...24 years later. I am not willing to go down that road again. I use to meditate on a regular basis but now I am afraid to for whatever reason ( I can't figure that out) maybe afraid to let everything come to the surface?! I come from a family that when things like this are brought up you must be just looking for attention, to smarten up and get over it. I am looking for tools to help me release what needs to come out so I can be myself again and get out an enjoy the things I like and go back to being the person I was, and how to cope in the future.

I started doing the steps and using the tools available to me on here. I also started a gratitude journal and did a meditation for the first time in months. It's a start. Just being able to share my story and getting it off my chest felt like a little bit of relief. I'm up for putting in the work as I want to feel better and be able to move forward with the tools for the future. Thanks for sharing your story and offering advice, best of luck on your journey as well.

Thank you Ashley.

Yes ,I had done a few meditations now and every time I just end up with tears rolling down my face. I don't try to stop them like in the past. I just go with it as I know it needs to be released. Aside from being on here I have opened up to 2 friends about what is going on. It was hard to let them in but I'm glad I did. I think the more people I talk to, the better I'll feel getting things off my chest. It will be baby steps since I am a private person with emotional walls built so high and thick it will take a while to break them down..but i'm up to working on it.

As I am trying to work through my issues I still have a person reaching out to me for support and I don't have it in me to tell them no. She is my cousin. Her mom was my aunt that passed away. I talked with her the other day and after we were done I had a panic attack. That's when I did a meditation and basically wept like a baby. This is going to be a long process for me I feel because I never had time to deal with one thing before the next hit and so on. The good thing is I am reading a book about grief and usually crying when I do, but my grief is directed in the right direction instead of all over the place like before. I literally went to the fridge to get an apple two weeks ago, didn't have any, and stood with the door open having a melt down. I don't feel I'm in that place anymore but I know I am far from being where my 'normal' is.

Aside from just grief I have also found out 'family secrets' that have been playing on my mind. My doctor is shocked with the amount of stuff I have told him about what has been going on. I seen him at the beginning of Feb and again 3 weeks later and he said he is impressed with the approach I am taking and acknowledging the need help. I told him about starting the CBT on here and he said it sounds like a great tool. He has also prescribed me medication to 'take the edge off'. I plan on working through and doing the homework, talking and reading as much as possible. I am still on the fence as to sitting down and talking face to face with someone. I want to try doing the above things first and if I find I get to a point where I don't feel a difference or I hit a stale point then I will absolutely consider it but just not yet.

I have found out that someone is going to join just so that they can read ( be nosy) others issues. I have chosen to no longer write on the message boards due to this. I know this person and have opened up about my situation, but I tell them what I want, when I want, and at my own pace. I feel like if I open up on here I am being ' spied' on in some way and I don't like that. I feel like this is taking away from chatting with others and not the point of this at all. I will continue to do the program as I am finding it helpful but will not participate in conversations. It's unreal to me that a person would disrupt someone's help for their own pleasure and nosiness.